Ilryth bites my shoulder. I can hear the smirk in his words without having to see it. “That was only the beginning.”
CHAPTER36
We dress in silence,the air between us thick with the lingering intensity of our passion. It’s not uncomfortable or awkward in the slightest. If anything, it’s a pleasant intimacy. We share small glances and knowing smiles underneath flushed cheeks. Every look underscores that we now share a dangerous secret.
We share a lot more than that.
I can feel him on me—deeper than the markings inked upon my skin. He doesn’t need to touch me. A mere look is all I need to feel the phantom outlines of his hands smoothing across my breasts, grabbing at my hips, or his mouth on my neck. The memories make me shiver; phantom sensations of him are almost too much. And yet I want more. If we could do it all over again I would in an instant. I would give myself over to those heady passions without remorse.
Even though what we shared was intense, I can’t help wishing we had more time…not just today, but months, or years, to get to know each other. A lifetime to explore everything we could, and couldn’t be—to see if these budding affections could blossom into something truly profound.
And yet I also want everything all at once. Damn moving slowly, I want it all, now. The idea of us doesn’t have the hard-earned instincts in my gut twisting. There are no warnings or concerns rising in my mind when it comes to Ilryth. Maybe, if the seas weren’t rotting and an old god wasn’t raging, and everything didn’t hinge on my life being sacrificed…we might have a genuine chance at somethingreal.
It’s a bittersweet thought. But not bitter enough for me to push it away. I think, if I had the chance to do it all over again, I’d try harder at love. Even though there’s this odd sense in me telling me to avoid it at all costs.
You’re not worthy of love.
I pause at the errant thought. It was said in a voice that didn’t entirely feel like my own.
“What’s wrong?” Ilryth rests his palm on my shoulder.
I shake my head. “I had an odd notion.”
“About us?”
“No.” I smile up at him. Reassuring.
“Anything you want to talk about?”
“I don’t think so.” I take his hand and lace my fingers with his, kissing his knuckles. “Do you ever just have a rogue or intrusive notion cross your mind without warning?”
“Sometimes,” he admits. “Though they’re usually tied to something. Are you sure you don’t want to discuss anything?”
“I feel incredible, Ilryth. It was a passing thought that deserves no credence.”
“Right, then.” He lets the matter drop with a smile.
Hand in mine, he guides me back through the basket-weave of roots to the beach of passion, releasing me when we’re out in the open once more. It’s mostly empty now. There’s only one couple at the ocean’s edge, leaning up against a root where it meets the water. I don’t know if they were there when we arrived or not. But I don’t pay them any mind. I’m still too caught up in what we just shared. Focused on his magic, which is still sizzling across my skin.
I glance at him and I wonder if we will speak of this ever again. Once more, the idea of love crosses through my mind. It would’ve been nice to be able to fall in love with him. To feel that anxious flutter of excitement. To be able to look at him, at the ridge of his nose, the strong line of his jaw, the slight pout to his lips—to admire him as shamelessly as I am now, but have the opportunity for it to become something more.
But what we shared can’t grow into love. At least…not a love we will ever acknowledge. We must let whatever is budding die on the vine. All today can be is an afternoon of forbidden pleasure. Of finally satiating ourselves and alleviating growing tension.It will be alright if I must pretend this didn’t happen, I tell myself. I don’t need to speak about it, or tell anyone, for me to know that it was real. I can find peace in that. At least IthinkI can.
Yet a different part of my mind is already wondering when, or if, we might find an excuse to return here. If he might sneak into my room in the night and whisk me away by moonlight. I can’t help but hope he will and that it will be soon, but I do not have the courage to ask.
We come to a stop in the tunnel just before the beach where we first arrived. The guards that escorted us here are no doubt still waiting beneath the water’s surface. While out of eye shot, Ilryth takes a moment to give me an apologetic look.
“I’m sorry,” Ilryth says. I blink, trying to think just what he could be apologizing for. He picks up on my confusion and continues, “When we arrive back, I will have to pretend that—”
“Nothing happened,” I finish for him with a small, and hopefully reassuring smile. “I know. I didn’t expect it to be any different. We made our choices knowing our circumstances.” When he still seems hesitant, I emphasize, “Really, it’s all right.”
“It doesn’t feel ‘all right.’” He sighs. “It feels as though I am betraying you—as though I have used you.”
“If anything, I used you.” I shake my head before he has a chance to get in another word. “I am a woman grown, in control of my own wants, and have done what I desire. You’ve done the same. There’s no slight. We both knew our circumstances. Truly, Ilryth, think nothing of it.”
“I suspect I will spend many, many delicious hours thinking of this afternoon.” He leans just a bit closer to me as he says it. I bite my lip and his eyes fall to the motion. In my periphery, I can almost see him reaching up to touch my face.
But he is stronger than the temptation. Which is good, because if he crossed the line again, I doubt I could be the better of the two of us. Risks be damned. I would take another chance. Ilryth starts to move again and I do as well. But he stops once more without warning and looks at me with renewed purpose.
