He hums in thought as he eases off me, lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling. “Only if it’s shameful to admit I am all the more excited by your wondering.”
To want and be wanted…it’s a good feeling. Even if it can be nothing more than carnal urges. Even if the love that’s stubbornly grown underneath it has no future.
Before I know it, I’m rolling on my side, curling against him. Ilryth shifts and I expect him to push me away, but instead his arm wraps around my shoulders and he pulls me close. I rest my head on his chest on instinct, our bodies fit together as if they were made for each other. The sound of his heartbeat is a symphony.
“I’m going to have to leave,” he says somewhat apologetically.
“I know.” I close my eyes. “I know you have to leave to keep this a secret—for their rules regarding the offering…but I need you to know something else.”
“Yes?”
“I know that doing this with you is selfish of me.”
“As it is of me,” he gets in quickly. “I’m the one who’s demanded everything of you. You have no room to apologize or feel selfish.”
I shake my head, nuzzling his neck. “You are incorrigible, Ilryth.”
“So are you, Victoria.” He kisses my forehead.
I continue on my earlier thought, “But I want you to know, I don’t need this to be love. Let’s keep things simple for us both. Physical desires only.”
Even as I say the words, I already know I am helpless to the force that’s trying to sweep me away despite myself.
That’s not something he needs to know, however. I can’t lie to myself, but I can lie to him. I can pretend none of this matters beyond crawling into his arms. Beyond the raw physical desire. I’ve seen enough women and men who can treat such as a casual affair that I can use their example.
If I fall in love, that will be my burden, my secret that I will carry to my grave. I can’t hurt him like that. Nor can my heart handle another failure in the arena of romance. I might not remember everything that surrounded my past relationship, but I do remember it failed…and, based on what scraps I can recall, and the feelings I have, I’ve a sneaking suspicion that failure was because of me.
He searches my expression as I speak, as if he somehow can see through my farce—my claims to the contrary. Ilryth’s brow furrows slightly. I almost expect him to object.
But he seems to accept my words at face value, nodding slightly. I imagine he’s taken many lovers. That’s what I choose to believe. This is easier if I think it’s nothing serious to him. If a casual fling is easy for him to have.
And, if it is more than that for him, as well…it is better for us both to pretend otherwise. If we don’t speak about any further affections, then they can die in doubt. In the unknown and unsaid.
“As you wish, my lady.”
I give him a slight smile. I expected this… He knows I am a dead woman walking. It’ll be easier for us both like this. If I tell myself that enough times, maybe I will believe it.
“You should rest,” he says softly. “There is more work to be done in the coming days and weeks in anointing you.”
“You should leave.” I choose to ignore the mention of work.
“I should, but I think I’ll stay until you fall asleep…assuming that won’t disturb you?” Ilryth’s deep voice is filled with concern at the idea.
“Not in the slightest.” I yawn. “In fact, you make me feel relaxed—safe.” I close my eyes and enjoy the feeling. Even though there are gaps in my memories, I am confident that no one has ever made me feel so wanted and protected in my life. For the first time I feel like I can rest my head somewhere and not have to keep one eye open, or worry about anyone or anything else.
Sighing softly, I bid a silent, final goodbye to my family and the few friends I had back across the Fade and above the sea. They will be fine without me; they have to be. I cannot return now and there’s nothing more I can do for them than be a worthy sacrifice to an old god. So I let them go.
For the next few days, and weeks, or however much time remains, for the first time in my life I will live solely for myself.
CHAPTER31
When I rouse,I’m alone, just as he told me I would be. I prop myself up and push away from the bed, my hands sinking into the soft sponge. Sure enough, there’s no sign of him, making the whole affair feel like a sumptuous dream rather than a reality.
Likely for the best, I think as I collapse back onto the bed with an internal sigh. It’ll be easier to pretend all of this means nothing if we don’t spend the morning lounging in the embrace of each other like the lovers we aren’t. Yet, I close my eyes. I imagine what it might feel like to rouse with the dawn, his warmth still enveloping me.
I snap open my eyes, banishing the dangerous daydream. These wereexactlythe emotions I couldn’t allow to happen. But ignoring them isn’t made any easier when mere hours ago I fell asleep in his arms.
It was the best sleep I’ve had in a long time, yet instead of waking well rested, I am tired.
