“The next time you run off, please take me with you?” He looked at her through his lashes. Had that small act really caused all this unease in him?
“If I can. But we’re not as close as we once were.”
“I know.” Cullen almost hid the wince of pain. “But I don’t trust him—anyone else to sacrifice everything if that’s what it took to keep you safe.” He corrected himself so quickly Eira almost missed it. Almost.
“Him?” Judging from his past comments, she didn’t think Cullen was talking about Ducot.
“I’ve been watching him. He has an aura of secrets around him.”
“So do I,so do you,” Eira countered.
Cullen seemed startled that she would even suggest anything about his past; it transformed into a wounded expression. “But you know there is no sacrifice I wouldn’t make to keep you safe.”
If only you had made those same sacrifices for the sake of my heart, Eira thought bitterly, but kept it to herself.
“I can keep myself safe.” Eira squeezed his hands with a slight smile. “Besides, you’re right. Olivin, Ducot, me…we all have an aura of secrets. But secrets aren’t bad by nature. We’re just not like you, Cullen. We aren’t noble born with good families to tend to. We’re the ones who have to work from the shadows to do what must be done.”
Without warning, he leaned forward, pressing his forehead against hers. Eira was too stunned to speak. Cullen did nothing but breathe for a moment.
“It’s more than that…I can’t stand to see you with him.”
Eira pulled her hands from his and stepped away. “Cullen, I have so many other things to focus on than you, or Olivin, or anything dealing with matters of the heart. In fact, I’ve sworn them off.”Or, I’m trying to. For now, at least.
“Then why do I always turn and see him by you?”
“We are working together.”
Cullen glanced askance.
Eira shook her head. She had been trying to be nice, but her patience was wearing thin. “And even if we weren’t, frankly, you have no right to say anything.Ihurtyou? How do you think I feel when I see you and Lavette?”
“But that’s—”
“What you’ve chosen,” she finished firmly for him. “Which is all right. I’ve come to terms with it. But you can’t hold it against me when I do what I want.” Eira moved to go inside.
He caught her wrist and leaned in. For a moment, she thought he was about to kiss her. But he stopped a breath away. So close that she could practically feel the warmth of his lips on hers. Cullen’s eyes looked down to her mouth, and then back up to meet hers. The mask was gone. They were filled with fire andlonging. Passion. Everything she had been aching to see from him even though she knew better and had said otherwise.
“It’s not what I chose. It’s what was chosen for me.”
“But you didn’t fight it.”
His grip tightened some. His other hand twitched as though he was barely refraining from reaching for her. “Iwasfighting it. Just not in the way you wanted—not in a way that was good enough for you.”
“Cullen—”
“So then I tried to do as you asked. To forget you—even if you consume my every waking thought. To fall out of love with you. And yet, you still chastise me for not fighting? How can I win, Eira? How can I be the man you want me to be? Tell me and I’ll do it, because all I want is your joy.”
“I want you to do what will makeyouhappy!” She had to struggle to keep her voice down. Anger was waltzing with passion. “You’re so busy pleasing everyone else that you don’t bother to please yourself and you let everyone else down in the process because it’s impossible to be everything for everyone, Cullen.” His eyes widened, as if he had never considered that. “The least you can do, is be everything for yourself. Figure out what you want, fight for that, and let the cards fall on the rest.”
He shifted, releasing her wrist. She untwisted. His right hand fell on her hip. His left was on her cheek. Caressing up to tangle with her hair. Her lids grew heavy and her heart hammered.
“What I want,” he whispered, voice low and gravelly, “isyou. But I don’t know how to have you. What I must do to win back your trust.” His hand smoothed up her side, stopping at the base of her ribs and sending shivers across her back. “And I fear I’m going to lose you forever if I can’t figure that out.”
“I’ll always be your friend,” she whispered, not thinking about the words before they were said. Could she be? It felt likethey were everything or nothing. That he was passion incarnate, or a void of pain.
“Then you will always be my torture.” Cullen leaned in, his nose brushing against hers. Eira’s breath hitched. His shuddered. “I’m going to figure it out, I swear to you, how to be the man you deserve. There are times it might not look like it because maybe you are right—maybe we are from different worlds that speak different languages—but know that it is my only goal. If you want me to pursue my happiness, then know I am pursuing you.”
She searched his intense expression. As usual, there was no hint of a lie on him. He meant everything he said and she wanted to melt into him for it.
