“And I’m all out of ideas,” I say softly. “I’m sorry, Ruvan. I tried. I really did. I wasn’t trying just to save Hunter’s Hamlet. I wanted to help everyone—but especially you. Maybe this is what I get for reaching too far outside of all I was made of.” A bitter smile crosses my lips. “You’re right, you know, that you forge your own destiny… I guess I didn’t have a skilled enough hand to make it happen the way I wanted it to. And I don’t think I get any more practice runs.”
My voice wavers. The words choke in my throat.
“I’m sorry for what I said to you when we last parted. I’ve been so scared. I’ve been angry and confused—at myself, at the people who raised me.” I shake my head, and tears spill over from my eyelashes and onto the ruby casket. Ruvan continues to lie there, as still as the magic stone encasing him. “Even though I’ve known this—youare everything I wanted, I was still afraid. And that fear made me try to find every reason to say that this won’t work, that I don’t feel anything for you, or that it’s not important. I’m sorry I wasn’t better, that I wasn’t braver or stronger or smarter or more eloquent. Maybe if I had been I would have a better idea now. I would’ve figured it all out sooner.”
My nails dig into the magic, as if I’m trying to break through and reach him. It doesn’t work.
“But the truth is… The truth is, Ruvan… Even though I was scared. Even though I feel like I’ve never been enough. I still want to try. For you, me, us. Because…because you weren’t the only one developing an attachment—love. I’m not good at all this; I don’t have practice in romance. But I think…I think I would like to, if it were with you. No, IknowI want to. Because, Ruvan, I love you.”
The words hang in the air. I imagine them sinking through the magic and reaching his ears. I hope he hears me. It’s the only thing I hope for now. This is my last wish for him and me.
“I love you, Ruvan. I’m still learning what that is, means, and how to do it well. But I know it’s true. So you have to… You have to come back to me, all right? You need to wake up; you need to not be cursed. You need to lead the vampir like I know only you can do. You need to save them because I wasn’t enough.” I double over, resting my forehead on my forearms. My nose touches the smooth barrier, which quickly puddles with tears. “Ruvan, please. You said you’d never hurt me, but this is agony. So please,please…”
My words become muddled. They finally break into sobs. I weep for everything that could’ve been. For a life I could’ve had that ended before it even began.
* * *
I gothrough the motions for a few days. We all do. We’re like ghosts drifting their familiar halls, doing things by habit. We hardly say anything because there’s nothing to be said; we share nothing more than despondent glances.
Most of my time is spent in either the chapel or Ruvan’s bedroom. It’s too painful to lie there the first night. I can still smell us on the sheets so I sleep on the settee. But it’s so lonely and cold there. The second night my emotions break and I flee to the comfort of the bed we last shared. I envelop myself with the blankets. I toss and turn, fighting for sleep. It doesn’t come until morning. And when it does…
He’s not there.
I try and force myself to sleep for two full days. I hardly eat. I want to slip away into a dream world of memory. I try and summon Ruvan like I did Loretta. And just when I’ve given up hope, he comes to me. I relive our night of passion, again and again. I become so good at calling him from the recesses of my mind that the memories are there as soon as my eyes close.
One evening I’m interrupted by a particularly loud thumping on the main door. Cursing, I pull myself from the bed. All four of them are there. Winny holds a plate of food.
“I know you don’t need to eat as much as you used to, but you still need to eatsomething.”
“Thanks.” I take it and go to close the door.
Callos stops me. “I was reading through more of Loretta’s notes and there are a few things I want to go over with you. She had some interesting applications of blood magic—a ritual, well, more of a theory for drawing out one’s inherent ability. Ruvan had mentioned that was something you were curious about so I thought you might be interested in—”
“I’m not interested in Loretta or blood lore anymore.” I shake my head. “Thank you for the food.” And I close the door on them. I place the plate down in the main room, next to the vial of blood we took from Tersius.
That’s when it hits me.
These dreams…visions of the past…they started after I drank the elixir on the night of the Blood Moon. It wasn’t Ruvan, the bloodsworn, Midscape, or this castle that caused the dreams—it was the elixir.
“Blood is a canvas…” I whisper. “It records the sum of our experiences…”
There are basic magics of the blood lore, Ruvan’s voice explains to me from a distant place.Everyone can summon different abilities, do different things with it, but some are truly talented. Some have innate gifts.
I had begun to think mine was forging. But what if my innate gift is something different? What if my dreams aren’t some strange byproduct of the bloodsworn? I was using the blood to see the canvas of another’s life…but it wasn’t Ruvan’s.
I pick up the vial and race out of the room.
“Floriane?” Lavenzia calls up to me. Winny’s fiddle playing stops.
“I’m fine, don’t worry about me.” I close the door behind me loud enough that they hear. They’re going to assume that I’m going to mourn Ruvan again. They’ll give me space.
Except I don’t stop in the chapel, I continue up the stairs and across the beam. I pass through the rooms and hallways that connect to Loretta’s old quarters and down into her secret passage. I know it’s dangerous to go alone, but I have my dagger with me, and this is worth the risk.
This might fail. I don’t entirely know what it is I’m trying to do. But right now is the closest I’ve felt to hope in days. I don’t want to give it up. I have to try. Callos said that a part of blood lore is instinct. The magic is always in us. So I trust my gut and attempt to claim my power.
At the very least, I’ll see the truth of what happened to Loretta, Solos, and Tersius…through their own eyes.
I open the tap on one of the ancient kegs, and elixirplopsout. I hold my head under the spigot and take three drops into my mouth. Holding them there, I race back up the stairs to Loretta’s room. I close the secret passage and stand at the edge of the bed.
