He gave her a smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Questions hovered in the air around him as he took the seat. Eira looked out the archway as he dug into his food, not wanting to stare while he ate. But her effort to not be awkward only made her feel all the more so. Were her hands better on her lap? Or the table? If she kept swapping them he was going to notice.
“How do you feel?”
“Pardon?”
“Your stomach. It looks like you managed to eat this morning.” Cullen motioned toward Deneya’s cleaned plate. “I was worried about you.”
“Worried?” Eira folded and unfolded her hands in her lap.
“Well, yes, Levit was right…your ailments must’ve been serious for you to miss the opportunity to dine with elfin and morphi on the first night.”
“You don’t need to worry about me,” Eira said softly.
“I’ve already told you I do.”
“But—”
“You asking me not to will do no good. If I could stop worrying about you, I would’ve. Just like if I could stop thinking about you, or trying to find ways to spend time with you, or catch a word with you, or steal a smile that—” Cullen stopped himself. A scarlet flush streaked across his cheeks and he busied his mouth with a pastry as Eira looked away, fighting a blush of her own.
Steal a smile… The words were a searing hot needle, piercing the cool waters and ice she’d been trying to use to keep others away. It wasn’t enough to fracture the thick barrier…just enough to puncture, to get something warm and genuine through and remind her just how cold she had become.
“I should go,” Eira said, pushing away from the table and the uncomfortable sensations of someone being too close.
“Eira, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I’m not upset.” She stood. “I’m going upstairs to get a book on Meru.” And hopefully find Alyss. “I hoped to read a chapter before I met any elfin. I don’t want to put my foot in my mouth.”
“They’re lovely people, very understanding. I doubt you would,” Cullen said hastily.
“I want to be sure. And I should let Alyss know I’m feeling better.” Eira cursed inwardly. She’d been intending to possibly use not feeling well as an excuse later to step away at the Archives. Something about Cullen was turning her thoughts to mush.
“I’m glad you’re feeling better.” An air of disappointment was beginning to collect around him. “I really didn’t mean—”
“It’s fine, Cullen.” Eira forced a smile. “I’ll see you later.”
She retreated up the stairs, chest tight. She was avoiding him. But she didn’t fully understand why.
He’s a distraction, that’s why. No matter how she felt about him, no matter what he’d been intending to say to her, he was going to be a distraction if the current constriction of her ribs on her heart was any indication. Plus, if he got too close to her, she risked him finding out something about the Court of Shadows, or noticing what she was doing. Eira already had to navigate around Alyss. Cullen was a risk she just couldn’t take.
Still, even as she entered into the Solaris common room to find Alyss, even as she sat on Alyss’s bed while her friend got dressed and ready for the day, her mind wandered back to him. She spent every spare moment trying to scrub Cullen from her thoughts up until the Swords of Light arrived at the manor to escort them to the Archives of Yargen.
* * *
The walk through the city was filled with more of the same pregnant silence from the day before. The only sounds were the soft clanking of their guards’ swords in their scabbards and their boots on the ground. Twice, they saw patrols of queen’s knights marching through the city. There were a few couriers conducting business as well. But everyone who was out and about had a bright red ribbon pinned to their chest with a number stamped on it. Eira didn’t know the meaning, but she surmised it was some kind of permission to be out in the streets, since the knights only stopped people who weren’t wearing them.
Ambassador Cordon and the senators were in another manor, higher up the ridge from them. They joined the group without fuss, shepherded from a group of red-caped knights to the purple-sashed Swords of Light. Yemir went immediately to his son, pulled him to the edge of the group, and promptly began speaking in hushed tones that Eira found herself straining to listen to.
“How are your accommodations?” Yemir asked.
“They’re very nice; the queen is generous. And yours?” Cullen answered dutifully. It sounded almost like a script.
“Very nice as well.” Yemir glanced around as if looking for who might be listening. Eira kept her eyes forward as his gaze grazed over her. When he spoke again she could only make out every few words. “…of the remaining delegates…dinner…but I will…if you can…someone…meet…”
“You don’t have to do that,” Cullen murmured, agitation made it loud enough for Eira to hear.
“Nonsense, you should be there, not with the rabble,” Yemir hissed. Even Noelle could hear the conversation now, judging from the disapproving glare she gave the senator’s back. Luckily, she kept her mouth shut so she and Eira could both continue listening in.
“We’ll see,” Cullen said mildly.
