When we arrived at Kosta’s, it was busy, but there was a round table in the corner that seated all five of us. It started like any other dinner with our group. We ordered drinks and appetizers, chatting about the food we wanted to try or whether we wanted to split a bottle of wine.
It wasn’t until the server walked away that the part of the evening I dreaded started.
Yancy fixed her stare on me, leaning her elbows on the table. “Why didn’t you tell us about Elijah?”
I knew the question was coming, and even though I expected it, I hesitated before I answered.
Finally, I said, “At first, it was just supposed to be one night. Then, when it happened again and again, I wasn’t sure how things were going to progress. We didn’t really talk about what our expectations were.”
I paused when the waiter returned with four wine glasses and a bottle of red wine. He opened it and poured each of us, except for Tanya, a wine glass. She was sticking with water, though she did stare longingly at our glasses as the waiter poured our wine.
Once he left again, I continued without waiting for anyone to speak, “I wasn’t sure I wanted to know because I really liked him. I was afraid to hear an honest answer. I guess I knew he wasn’t serious at first and I didn’t want things to be awkward when they ended.” I laughed. “I mean, this isn’t awkward or anything.”
None of them laughed.
“That’s not what I’m talking about,” Yancy said.
It was my turn to ask a question. “Then, what did you mean?”
It was Tanya who answered this time. “Any time one of us needs help, advice, or just someone to vent to, you are the first one to step up. You always listen to us, and we all know you would do anything for us. Why won’t you let us do the same for you?”
Her question took me aback. “I…”
I honestly had no answer.
“Why won’t you let us help you?” Lucy asked. “We ask you for help all the time. Why won’t you ask us?”
I stared at all of them and realized that this was the real reason they were hurt by my secrecy. It wasn’t because I was dating someone without talking about. It was because I didn’t trust them the way they trusted me.
My eyes stung as tears filled them, and I blinked rapidly to keep them from falling. It didn’t work, but I tried.
“Don’t cry, Gigi,” Chelsea said, patting my arm. “We love you, and we know you love us. We just want to give you what you give us.”
There was no stemming the tears then. I sniffled as they trickled down my cheek and reached for my napkin. I didn’t even have it in me to bicker with them about using one of the nicknames Elijah gave me.
“I know,” I murmured. “You guys are awesome. I just…” I dabbed the tears from my face. “I just don’t know how to ask for help. Until you four, I never had anyone I could ask before.”
That was another thing to discuss with my therapist at our next session. I usually did a virtual session once a month, but maybe it was time to go back to every other week. I tended to be hyperindependent because I’d spent most of my childhood either being neglected by my mother or trying my hardest to be less of a burden to my grandparents and foster parents so they wouldn’t get rid of me. I knew it, and I thought I was doing a better job, but clearly, I had fallen back into old habits.
“All you have to do is talk to us,” Lucy said. “If you don’t want to tell us the name of the guy you’re dating, tell us that. We won’t ask too many questions then.”
I knew my answering look was disbelieving, which made her laugh.
“Okay, so we will ask questions, but we’ll understand if you don’t answer.”
“So, back to my original question,” Yancy said. “Why didn’t you tell us about Elijah?”
I blew out a breath and took a deep drink of my wine before I answered, “Because I knew I was being stupid. I knew I should talk to him about how I was feeling. But I was so afraid of what his answer would be that it was easier just not to ask. I did everything I tell y’all not to do when you ask me for advice.”
Chelsea shrugged. “You’re human, Grier. You’re going to make mistakes just like we do. We just want to be a safe place for you the way you’re a safe place for us.”
“I love y’all,” I said. “And I promise I’ll try to do better.”
“Don’t worry. We’ll remind you,” Chelsea said.
Everyone laughed, even me.
“I guess that’s fair,” I agreed.
