I blinked and inhaled again, but I didn't speak.
Mom watched me for a moment. "Honey, are you having second thoughts?"
Ha! Second thoughts. More like one hundredth thoughts, but I just shook my head and concentrated on my breathing.
"Did I say something that upset you?"
I blew out a slow, steady stream of air. "Not exactly. Just the idea that I may never get married again if this doesn't work out."
"Honey, that's not what I meant at all. I know you and J.J. have unusual reasons for getting married, but I said that because I hope that y'all will figure everything out and be able to make it work."
I took another breath. "It's okay. I knew you didn't mean anything by it, but it just hit me all of a sudden that this may be it. When the baby is born, if he decides that he doesn't want to be married anymore, I'll be alone."
She hugged me tightly. "No, you won't be alone. Your father and I will be here. And your brothers and their wives will help. And you know Colette will want to be involved in the baby's life. You're going to have tons of help."
That wasn't what I meant, but I didn't say anything because Whitney returned with a small bottle of cold water.
I thanked her and sipped the chilled liquid. It helped.
"Wedding jitters?" Whitney asked.
I just shrugged and she seemed to understand that I didn't want to say anything else.
I leaned back on the settee as my mother paid for my wedding dress and shoes and tried not to cry.
Today was my wedding day.
I wanted to be excited, but instead I was just nervous. And sort of miserable.
J.J. had called me every night since Monday. He hadn't come over, something about wanting to get things organized at his office so he could take the weekend off. Also, he mentioned packing his things.
Just like with marriage, J.J. was the one who brought up our living situation. He said that he was still living mostly out of boxes anyway, so it made more sense for him to move in with me.
I hadn't tried to talk him out of it because I loved my little house and I had so many wonderful memories of my grandmother and the rest of my family there. It would be a little small with the two of us, but there were two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and I had a storage shed out back that was empty except for my Christmas decorations and some of my old college textbooks.
I told him that he could bring any furniture he wanted, and we could move my flea market pieces into the shed.
Considering I'd never even seen his furniture, he seemed to appreciate the offer.
Now, it was Friday afternoon and our appointment at the courthouse was at four. We were to be married by a local judge who was a friend of the McClanes. Afterward, we were going to Crave. Cam and Sierra had insisted on closing the shop for the afternoon so we could have a reception there.
I'd tried to talk them out of it, but Sierra told me to be quiet and enjoy it because I wouldn't get another break from work until the baby was due.
Cam stood behind her shaking her head and rolling her eyes, making it clear that I was going to get days off between now and then.
I'd managed to subdue my smile, but Sierra still gave me a gimlet glare.
At the moment, I stood in front of the full-length mirror in my bedroom, staring at myself in my wedding dress and pink shoes. Colette had helped me with my hair, curling it into loose waves that framed my face and I'd added just a touch of make-up. The dress seemed better suited to a natural look, so that's how I kept it.
I placed a hand on my nervous belly and thought about the baby there.
With everything that happened this week with the wedding, I hadn't given much thought to the reason I said yes to J.J.'s proposal.
There were so many things that could go wrong with this plan and so many things that could cause my life to explode in a spectacular fashion.
But it would be worth it if my baby,ourbaby, had a beautiful childhood. I would do everything I could to make this work. Even if J.J. wanted to divorce in a year or two, I wouldn't let it make me bitter.
I glanced down at the small stack of papers on my nightstand and wondered if J.J. had gotten his copy yet. I'd sent it with Cam when she left to go help him get ready for the wedding. What kind of help J.J. needed, I didn't know, but she'd insisted he needed it. I'd given her a brown envelope with his name on it and I could see the curiosity in her eyes, but she didn't ask what it was. I was fairly sure she wouldn't open it either.
