Chapter Thirteen
Ihated workingout. Unfortunately, at twenty-nine, I knew it was only a matter of time before my love of food translated itself on my hips and thighs.
So I compromised.
Two or three times a week, Grier and I would meet for a long walk after work. Three or four miles seemed a lot less daunting when I had someone to talk to.
With my schedule being nuts last week, Grier and I had skipped our walks, but now it was Tuesday and we wouldn’t have many more days to meet this week. Especially since it was supposed to rain on Thursday. When she texted me last night, I knew it was time to get back in the saddle. The knowledge that Landen would possibly see me naked very soon was added motivation.
Then there was the fact that Grier had been noticeably preoccupied at brunch on Sunday. I hadn’t been able to chat with her that day, or Monday, and an hour-long walk was the perfect opportunity to see if I could find out what was bothering her.
That was the thing about Grier. She always listened. Always. And she gave great advice. Despite the fact that she was several years younger than me, I often felt like she was the older sister I’d never had. Grier never sugarcoated things but she also wasn’t as blunt as I was. She was steel clad in velvet. She had the ability to tell you what you needed to hear but in a way that didn’t hurt.
I really could learn from her. I tended to speak my mind first and regret it later, especially if my words unintentionally hurt someone I loved. For whatever reason, I had difficulty tempering my thoughts.
After work, I quickly changed into a pair of yoga pants, sports bra, baggy t-shirt, and a pair of worn cross trainers. I carried my things to my car in the parking garage and drove to a nearby park. A walking path wound its way through the trees and picnic areas, providing a pretty scenic view while we chatted. I arrived at five-thirty on the dot to find Grier already parked and waiting for me.
I pulled into the spot next to hers and climbed out of my car. She smiled at me, but it was hazy and distracted, as though she couldn’t quite work up the energy for the expression. That worried me even more.
As we started off, I wracked my brain for the words I needed. I knew that if I didn’t figure out how to handle this delicately that Grier would shut down. For all her willingness to help her friends with their problems, she was an extremely private person. She rarely talked about her childhood and I don’t think I’d ever heard her mention her parents at all. It took some getting used to when we first became friends, but now it was just how she was.
However, I did consider her a close friend and I wanted to help her the way that she helped me time and time again. It was clear that something was bothering her and she wasn’t talking about it with me. And I doubted that she was discussing it with anyone else.
After we walked in silence for a good three minutes, Grier finally spoke, “What are you thinking about?”
I glanced at her, seeing that her eyes were more focused as they met mine, and decided to be honest. “You.”
She blinked rapidly then asked, “What?”
I sighed and decided that my usual way would be the best. I didn’t want her to shut down but Grier was too perceptive by half. She would immediately see through my attempts to tone down my bluntness and she wouldn’t hesitate to call me on it.
“I’m worried about you,” I answered. “And I want to talk to you about it, but I’m also worried that you’ll shut me down instead of sharing what’s on your mind.”
Once again Grier just blinked at me. Then she queried, “You’re worried about me? Why?”
My eyebrows lifted. Had she thought that none of us would notice that something was going on with her? “Grier, you’re not yourself. You seem distracted and,” I paused, looking for the right words. “Tired. No, not tired, exhausted. I know something is going on and I want to help, but I can’t do that if you don’t talk to me.” She opened her mouth, but before she could speak, I continued on. “Or if you don’t want to talk to me about it, maybe talk to Tanya. Or Yancy. Lucy. Hell, anyone if it will help you. It doesn’t have to be me.”
Grier’s steps slowed so I dropped my pace to match hers until we were strolling rather than taking the brisk strides we usually kept.
“It’s complicated,” she murmured, rubbing her forehead. “I don’t even know where to start.”
I laid a hand on her arm. “You can start wherever you want. At the beginning, in the middle. It doesn’t matter. I’m here to listen.”
“It’s nothing specific,” she began. “Just…I feel like I’m stuck. Like I’m moving through life without long-term goals or plans for my future. I go to work, I take walks with you, I have lunch with you and the rest of our friends, and I go home. I’m—” she trailed off, her eyes now focused on the path ahead of us. “Drifting and I’m ready for something more than that.”
It broke my heart a little to hear her say that. Grier was an amazing person and the fact that she felt lost, well, it hurt me to hear it. There had been so many times that she was the rock of our group. She kept us grounded, made us think. She had an innate understanding of people and what made them tick.
“You don’t have plans for your future?” I asked.
Her eyes moved from the path in front of us to me, but they were sad. Almost bleak. She was killing me because I’d never seen her look so lost. “For a long time, the only thing I worried about was surviving. Making it through school, getting a job, building a life. I wanted a home so badly, but now that I have one, I just feel like there’s something missing.” She laughed but it was a harsh sound. “And I feel like an asshole for wanting more, especially since I don’t know exactly what I want. I have a wonderful life, you and my other friends. I have more than I ever dreamed I would have when I was bouncing from place to place as a kid.”
Grier rarely talked about her childhood but I knew that she spent time in foster care. It was obvious that she didn’t like talking about it, so I never pushed.
“It’s okay to want more out of your life, Grier. It’s okay to have dreams and goals. To want everything.” I stopped walking and faced her. “And, honestly, it isn’t like you were justgivenwhat you have. You earned every bit of it through hard work. If you want more, you can have it. No one is going to tell you otherwise. Or if they do, they’re an asshole.”
A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. “All valid points.”
I nodded. “I know. I’m actually pretty smart sometimes.”
