Chapter Twenty-Three
Jordan lay sprawledon my couch, one hand thrown above his head and the other resting on his stomach. He slept so soundly he didn’t even move when I shut the door and locked it behind me.
Though I was tempted to let him sleep and go take a shower, I didn’t want him to wake up and think I was avoiding him. I was also concerned my courage would desert me if I put off the conversation.
I dropped my keys in the dish on the table beside the front door and walked over to the couch. As soon as I sat down beside his hip, his eyes cracked open.
“Tanya?” he asked, blinking several times until he focused on my face. “You’re back.”
The shield that slammed down between us last night was completely gone as he stared up at me, relief stark in his face.
Hesitantly, I placed my hand on his chest. He covered my fingers with his immediately, pressing my palm closer to his heart. I closed my eyes and let my head drop forward.
“I’m so sorry, Jordan,” I apologized. “What happened last night…it had to do with me and how messed up my head is. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.”
He pushed himself up into a sitting position. “Are you ready to tell me what happened?” he asked. His voice was rough from sleep and I loved the sound of it.
“Yes, I’m ready to talk about it,” I said. “Do you want me to make you a cup of coffee first?”
Jordan shook his head and took my hand. “No, I want you to tell me what upset you so badly.”
He didn’t seem angry or even frustrated. He looked concerned.
“I don’t think I could survive it if you left me,” I admitted. “I’m almost certain it would kill me.”
“Then it’s a good thing I don’t plan to leave you,” he replied.
I swallowed hard. “You may not plan it and I may not plan it, but it can happen anyway,” I pointed out. “You could die in a car wreck, a plane crash, or a freak accident where a piano falls on your head. It may not be your choice.”
“You’ve been stewing on this since Milton’s funeral, haven’t you?” he asked.
“Yes. I have no idea why I lost it like I did last night,” I confessed. “I felt like it was all too much and I couldn’t face it anymore. I just couldn’t get the image of Lucille’s face at the funeral out of my head. Then I kept remembering my father and how he walked around our house like a zombie for months after my mother died. He would get up and go to work. He functioned on the most basic level, but everything that made him who he was seemed to be gone. He was like the walking dead. His body moved and he spoke, but his mind wasn’t engaged.” I shrugged. “Then I kept having those dreams, only it wasn’t Lucille standing over the open grave, watching the casket descend, it was me. Even knowing it was a dream, it hurt so badly when I woke up that I just wanted it to stop.”
“You’re not the only one with those types of fears, Tanya,” Jordan stated. “I lost both of my parents at the same time and my entire life was turned upside down.”
In that moment, I realized that I’d been too locked up in my own worries to even consider for a moment that Jordan could be as afraid as I was. And I was ashamed. “Oh God, Jordan. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I was so self-centered.”
“Don’t beat yourself up too much. It took me two years to deal with my issues. You realized you made a mistake within twenty-four hours and you came back to me.”
“That’s why you left the first time?” I asked. “Because you were afraid?”
“I realized you were going to break my heart, Tanya, and I cut my losses before we got to that point.”
“So you’re saying that we’re both a mess?” I asked.
“Basically,” he replied. “But whatever happens, I think we can figure it out if we talk about it. How many divorces do we deal with where the couple could have worked it out if they just talked to each other?”
“A lot,” I answered.
“You and I have had the chance to see why so many marriages fail and the mistakes that people make. I would hope that we wouldn’t go down the same path.”
“Are you telling me that I made a rookie mistake?” I asked.
“I wouldn’t have put it that way, but it’s fitting.”
I closed my eyes and laughed under my breath. “Well, this is the first time I’ve ever truly been in love, so do you think you could cut me some slack for now?”
He tugged on my hand. “I can. But only if you promise not to leave me like that again. Whatever is going on in your head, whether it seems trivial or overwhelming, you can tell me. The only way we can work it out is if we share it.”
