“I’m not shutting you out,” I denied.
“You’re having nightmares, Tanya,” he pointed out. “You wake up shaking and crying at night, but you won’t talk to me about it.”
“It’s nothing,” I argued. “It’s just my way of processing the death of someone I care about.”
For the first time since I’d met Jordan, he lost his cool. “That’s bullshit!” he barked.
I flinched at the harsh tone and volume of his voice. I had never heard him yell before. Ever. When he was displeased with someone, his voice tended to grow quieter, colder, until it felt like an icy Arctic wind against your skin. Even that hadn’t been turned my way before.
Jordan took a deep breath, blowing it out slowly. “I’m sorry, Tanya. I shouldn’t have yelled like that.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him about the horrible fears that had been consuming me since Milton’s funeral, to tell him that I would never survive losing him like that. To beg him to hold me until the fear was gone.
Instead, I said, “I can’t do this anymore.”
“What?” he asked, his eyes growing wide.
“I can’t be what you want me to be, Jordan.”
“What are you talking about?” He looked genuinely confused.
“Marriage. Children. I thought that I could do it. That I wanted those things, but I don’t. I don’t think I ever will.”
The words were tumbling from my mouth. Not words. Lies. I was lying to him and I was lying to myself. It would be much easier this way. If I ended things now, I wouldn’t have to experience what Lucille endured. What my father suffered when Mom died.What I suffered.
It was better to hurt now when I could recover. There would be no surviving the pain if I let Jordan become an integral part of my life’s foundation.
It wasn’t a risk I was willing to take.
I shoved my chair back and got to my feet, moving toward the living room. I had to get some space, to breathe. Jordan followed me.
“Tanya, wait. Let’s sit down and talk about this,” he stated, reaching for my hand.
“Don’t touch me!” I cried, pulling out of his reach.
Jordan froze. I could see it in his eyes. I’d hurt him. Then it faded and I watched as his shield came down. The shield he’d abandoned weeks ago. The shield he wore to protect him from the people around him.
That knowledge sent a vicious shaft of agony through my body, so sharp that I glanced down to see if I’d been physically impaled.
“Please talk to me.” His voice was soft, almost gentle, but the chill was there. The coolness he gave to everyone but me.
“It’s not going to work, Jordan. I’m sorry. It’s my fault for telling you that I wanted more. I thought I did, but I was wrong. I’m not ready for marriage. And I’m definitely not ready for children.”
Jordan lifted his hands. “If that’s what’s bothering you, we can talk about it. We don’t have—”
“I need my space. I just feel like I can’t breathe.”
“Tanya—”
I couldn’t let him finish. I couldn’t listen to his calm, reasonable tone, not when I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest.
“It’s over, Jordan. I’m sorry, sorrier than you know.”
“Tanya, I won’t let you do this,” he stated, his voice rising.
“It’s done,” I replied bleakly.
My feet moved then, taking me toward the front door at a dead run. I snatched up my keys on the way out, my brain whirling with everything I’d just done and the painful lies I’d told the man I loved. I heard Jordan call my name, his feet pounding on the wood floors as he came after me, and I ran faster.
