She turned her face away from me then. “I know, you said as much then.”
“That’s not what I’m referring to,” I stated. When she still wouldn’t look at me, I continued, “I shouldn’t have said that to you because it wasn’t a mistake.”
Savannah looked at me then. “It wasn’t?”
“No, it’s not something either of us should regret.”
“Then what are you talking about?”
“I shouldn’t have said what I did after,” I admitted. “I shouldn’t have hurt you.”
“But if that’s how you feel, you should be honest,” Savannah replied, her face sad.
“Maybe, but I don’t truly feel that way. I didn’t want to push you away, but I felt I had to.”
Her dark eyes moved over my face as though she were trying to get a sense of what I was feeling. Or if I was telling the truth. “Why did you think you had to push me away?”
“Because I didn’t want to hurt you.”
Savannah frowned in confusion. “So you hurt me in order not to hurt me?”
I ran a hand over my hair, feeling as though I were fucking this up somehow. “I didn’t see it that way at the time. I thought…” I stopped speaking, unsure if I could admit what I was truly thinking.
“You thought what?”
“I didn’t think it would truly hurt you. I wasn’t sure you felt more than a passing attraction for me,” I confessed. “I didn’t expect it to affect you much.”
Savannah stared at me for a long moment. I realized that I couldn’t read her as I had before because she had erected barriers around her heart. The knowledge stabbed into my chest like a knife. Savannah had always been completely open with me and now that trust was gone.
“The last time I kissed a man before you was my junior year in college,” she admitted quietly. “That was nearly eight years ago. I haven’t even been on a date since then, much less kissed someone. You weren’t an experiment or a passing fancy. I liked you a lot.”
I noticed that everything she said was in past tense and it hit me hard that I might have ruined something special before it had a chance to begin. “I’m sorry, Savannah.” She didn’t speak and I asked, “Would you like me to leave?”
“No,” she replied quickly. “No, I don’t want that. I’m just not sure…” She hesitated. “I’m not sure things can be the same.”
Though I hated the words, they also gave me hope. She wanted me to stay but she was guarded. Ava had been right when she hinted that my rejection had affected Savannah deeply. I wondered if she was also correct that Savannah and I could find what we both wanted with each other. I wanted to find out.
“Then they’ll be different, but I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing.”
Savannah looked surprised at my words, but a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “You don’t think so?”
I shook my head. “We were friends before. This time I’d like to try something different.”
The light I’d become so fond of began to return to her eyes. “I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to say. I’m not sure I can handle a romantic relationship with you.”
“Then we’ll date until you do.”
“Date?” she asked, her voice high and thin.
“Isn’t that what modern couples do when they want to get to know each other? Go to dinner? The movies? Hook up?” I’d heard the last term on television a few days before but I still wasn’t completely sure of its meaning.
“Hook up?” Savannah choked, her eyes wide.
“That doesn’t mean what I thought it did, does it?”
She laughed, pressing a hand to her stomach. “Hooking up is a euphemism for, well.” She paused, a look of consternation on her face.
“Euphemism?” A pretty pink blush spread across her cheeks and I knew she was embarrassed but I wasn’t entirely sure why. I couldn’t resist teasing her a bit. “What’s that?”
