Another boy, because of course the universe is determined for me to be surrounded by men but honestly, I’m just grateful he’s healthy.
My body tingles after a few moments on my own, and I swallow hard, not looking up.
“I love you so fucking much, my forever…”
His whispered words from when he built this gazebo and surprised me with it a few months after we got married come back to me. My heart breaks at how easy everything was back then. Even though I was pregnant and still a teenager, everything seemed so much easier. I was naïve, didn’t realize Ty’s fears, and was in my own little cocoon of bliss with the boy I loved so freaking much.
Every evening we would sit out here, me on his lap, my face in his neck while we spoke about our days, every fricking day. Until I was raped, until I lost our baby, and I, damn, I blamed him for it.
That thought is horrifying.
Is that why I pulled back? Because he wasn’t there?
I feel a warm blanket being placed over my shoulder, and I mumble, “Thanks,” as Ty takes a seat next to me, putting his arm on the back of the bench.
“Cole is out like a light with that damn cat snuggled up near his head,” he sighs, and I snort.
“Please fucking tell me you aren’t going to be bringing more animals home like Brit, pixie,” he pleads for confirmation and I look at him from beneath my eyelashes to see him stretching his neck, the tension clear as day.
We haven’t spoken much since we came home, just like I haven’t said anything about Dr. Chimes. Instead, when Iwouldn’t answer him, he kissed my forehead and mumbled that he was staying with me for the day to watch me in action – his words, not mine – and he did, with nothing but pride on his face. Then he followed me home at the end of the day before ordering or more like had a prospect pick up some Indian for all three of us.
It felt like old times, and I hated it. Like I was giving in even though I know I’m not. I, I love him so goddamn much it hurts.
“I might,” I admit, Chance coming to mind, and Ty sighs as he drops his head back.
“Can you at least bring an animal home that doesn’t look like he wants to tear your eyeballs out?” he asks as I look his way, his light brown eyes sucking me in like they always do.
My eyes race between his, and instead of answering his question, I say, “I don’t know if going back to Dr. Chimes together is a good idea because I don’t think I can ever forgive you for what you’ve done, what you’ve broken.”
“Pixie,” he whispers as he cups my cheek.
“How do you expect me to move past it all?” I ask, my voice breaking.
“I don’t,” he admits, “I know if you could forgive me, I would be kneeling before you for the rest of my life. I know it won’t be easy between us, that you’ll have trust issues but I can’t live without you, Ashley,” he leans forward and places a gentle kiss to my forehead before he says, “I have loved you since we were ten years old and you told Jack Nickles to go away when he pulled on your pigtails and I punched him for it. I gave you my heart and I don’t fucking want it back, Ash, I only want you. I know, if we go to Dr. Chimes, we can get everything out on the table, fucking everything with her buffering between us. That we can begin to heal, not separately but together because life without you, it isn’t worth living.”
My tears fall as I grip his cut.
How can he be so sure?
He slept with another woman, not once, not twice, but at least thirty times, and yet he’s adamant we can move on from it?
How?
I shake my head before sobbing, “You hurt me, Ty. How can we move past that? You’re the one person in my life I thought I always had, but you hurt me more than anyone ever has, and I can’t breathe, Tyler, I can’t fricking breathe.”
“Fuck,” he chokes before he leans down and places his arm underneath my legs and one behind my back before he lifts me, placing me sideways on his lap as he holds me tightly to him.
“I’m sorry, pixie, I’m so goddamn sorry for everything,” he rasps, and I cry as I place my face into his neck, my whole body shaking with my sobs, causing him to hold me tighter.
For nearly two years I have tried to keep it together, trying to be strong for Cole. Heck, even before that after I was attacked, after I was raped and lost our baby, I was trying to be strong but there is only so much someone can take and the fact that Tyler won’t give up, I can’t keep my emotions in any longer, the pain too much to handle.
“Please, pixie,” he chokes, “come back to therapy with me, please…”
***
The next day we sit in therapy and I try to anticipate the way I'll react to Dr. Chimes pushing at my walls.
“It’s good to see you both here together again,” Dr. Chimes says as she looks between Ty and me, and I swallow hard.
