“You remember that?”I was surprised he’d remembered that detail of the argument.
“I do,”he said.“What did the police say?”
“They saw my record and didn’t believe me. They charged me with aggravated assault and attempted second degree murder and said I’d be held without bail until trial. My aunt requested they send me to a psych ward in the meantime because I was in mental crisis and it would be inhumane to hold me in prison without treatment for my mental illness.She came back with letters from my psych team, my official diagnosis, records from my previous psych stay. She was relentless until a judge agreed to have me await trial in a mental facility instead of prison.”
“Wow. Your aunt sounds,”Dennis hesitated, searching for the right word.
“Like a badass?”I guessed. He nodded.“She really is. She probably saved my life with that. She came to visit me every single day, and Ari and my uncle came to visit whenever they could. It took a while for the man to be released from the hospital and be ready for trial. Once the case went public, two separate witnesses came forward and testified in my favor. One saw him leaving the parking lot to follow me, and another one heard the fight down the street and had called the police, too. Also, the bodyguards at work and a couple other girls from my job gave testimony about him getting aggressive with me in the club.
“I was acquitted and the man was charged instead and found guilty. He should still be in prison, actually. He got a three year sentence. All this started over summer andendedlateSeptember.”
“Right before you moved here?”
“Yup. Iwas only home for about a month before I moved here.”
“Hm,”was all he said. He was watching me, no doubt sorting through timing in his head.
“I’m guessing you realize I lied to you after that frat party about why I moved here.It wasn’t from trying to run the girl over at school. It was because of this trial.” It was silent for a second before I asked, “Do you think I’m messed up?”
“No.”
“Not even a little?”I found his response hard to believe.
“Not at all. I think you had a screwed up childhood and carry a lot of trauma, but you’re not messed up.”
“If you say so.” I moved my stuffed animals to lie down and cozy up beside him.“Just so you know, I don’t usually try to beat people to death. That only happened once.”
He laughed.“I’m surprised it was only once. I have another question, but I completely understand if you don’t wanna answer it.”
“Go ahead. If I don’t wanna answer, I won’t.”
He hesitated a moment before asking,“Was it true when that girl said your dad made you watch the murder?”
“Yes.”I waited for him to follow up, but he didn’t. It was obvious hewantedto and was holding back. “I can tell you.” I took a moment to mentally prepare before starting thestory.“When I was seven I realized my parents did bad things, they tricked me into helping often, and I wanted them to stop. I told my parents this and my dad said he’d fix me. Usually I only helped with car parts in the garage, but the next time he went for a car theft he made me come. I guess he thought it would desensitize me? Or maybe he wanted to punish me. I don’t know. But he brought me along for some fucked up reason and things went bad. The car alarm went off, the man ran out to stop us, my dad pulled a knife, and I started crying for my dad to leave him alone.”
I paused to take a deep breath. My heart was pounding. My body was getting hot. My stomach was pushing up through my throat. “It made my dad so mad… I’d never seen him that mad. He said he was gonna toughen me up the right way and stabbed the man to death in front of me. Anytime I closed my eyes he’d stop and make me open them, then keep stabbing.Someone heard me screaming and called the police, which is why he got arrested. That’s why my mom hates me. She thinks it’s my fault he finally got caught.”
It was silent for a good thirty seconds. I sat up to look at Dennis. For once, he was speechless.
“It’s okay. You can talk,”I urged. He still didn’t, so I kept going.“You know, that’s the first time I’ve told that story since it happened. Since the trial. I’ve only told it during testimony.”
“Oh,”was his quiet response.
“Stop acting weird.”I nudged him.“I’m not upset about it. Not right now. Which kinda confirms what Ari said about my mood still being off,” I realized.“Shit, I think she’s right. Normally I can’t tell this story. Ari doesn’t even know the details. I might not be normal yet. Definitely not manic, but I don’t know where I’m at.” I smiled before excitedly turning to him. “Speaking of, youwanna know what it’s like?”
“What what’s like?”
“Mania.”
“Sure.I’ve seen it now, but I’m curious how it feels.I can’t really imagine.”
“It’simpossible to imagine. It’s like being a kid! Like when you’re really little and you’re going to an amusement park soon. That super duper ridiculously excited feeling you get before something wonderful is gonna happen, and you’re too excited to eat or sleep because you can’t stop moving and the thought of food makes you feel sick. And you get so fidgety but everything is so happy that it’s okay and it doesn’t even affect you, it doesn’t bother you and you barely notice it’s happening. All you know is how excited you are for whatever’s about to happen and what’s already happening and you can’t stop talking or moving around because life is gonna go on without you and you have to do every single thing right now. And you can’t get rid of that excitement or energy or feeling that everything will be fine,” I paused to take a breath.“That’s what being manic is like.”
“That’s… a lot.”
“It’sconstant buzzing.” I gestured to my head.“There’s nothing like it, really. But it does get scary how out of control it feels. It’s kind of like being on the most exciting roller coaster but knowing you’re going off the rails, but you can’t stop no matter how dangerous it’s becoming. And eventually you don’t even realize you’re on it. You don’t remember a time you everweren’t. Your mind tells you it’s always like this. You’ve never been sad. You’ve never been tired. You don’t know what sadness is because you’ve never experienced it. You don’t know what it means to feel nervous, to be discouraged, any negative emotion is gone and has never existed in your mind.”
I finally finished, wondering if that explanation had even done it justice. It was so hard to describe. Even harder to fully remember once it passed.
