“Bill Ferrars,” I said, arms crossed and eyes like ice. “Does the name ring a bell?”
A flicker of surprise crossed James’s face, but he quickly masked it, his countenance hardening. “I was going to tell you, Emma,” he replied coldly. “I just needed to find the right time.”
I snorted. “That seems to become a rather recurrent phenomenon where you are concerned.”
“Timing is important.”
Really? Timing isimportant?What the fuck is that?
Fury coiled inside me, and threatened to break through, but I willed myself to stay as composed as I could be. “He was killed by Radicals, tortured for information about me.” My voice wavered as I struggled to keep my emotions in check. “He died because of me.”
“We don’t know that for sure!” James shot back, then shook his head, his posture tight with irritation. “We haven’t been able to find out the real motives behind his murder.”
I drew in a brisk breath, and tried to suppress the grief threatening to spill over. “Still. Why didn’t you tell me, James?”
He sighed, his shoulders sagging under the weight of his words. “I wanted to wait until I had some real answers for you. I didn’t want to burden you with more pain, especially with everything else going on.”
“You don’t get to decide what burdens me, James Walker. Hiding something like this from me is betrayal.” Frustration boiled over, and I clenched my fists, but before I could continue, James stood abruptly.
“Emma, I was trying to protect you! I didn’t want you to carry the weight of his death on your shoulders.”
“Oh my gods, James. If you say the word protect one more time, I swear, there will be no protecting your balls from the next thing I do!”
Tears started to well up, but I pushed them back. “Do you have any idea how much it hurts, realizing I can’t rely on my own boyfriend to tell me the truth? I have no one else here James, you’re literally it for me. I depend on you completely, which means you control my world. You choose what I know. And if you don’t choose full disclosure, I’m not…” I sighed deeply. I didn’t even know how to express myself in a way that would make sense to him.
James took a deep breath, and ran a hand through his hair, distress written all over his face. “I know I messed up, Emma. I should have told you about your old boss. I thought I was doing the right thing. But it doesn’t matter what I thought. I was wrong, and I’m sorry.”
I stared at him, momentarily convinced I’d hallucinated. Had James Walker actually just apologized? I almost wished I had a written transcript ready for theMagi Book of World Records.
I didn’t know what to say, torn between the love I still had for him and the overwhelming sense of betrayal which seemed to creep into every corner of our relationship.
I took a deep breath, my manner softer now, but no less intense. “How many things are you still concealing from me, James? How many lies have you told me? How many omissions are there?”
“Why can’t you simply have confidence in me?” he asked, leaning in slightly. “We’re in a relationship for gods’sake.”
“Relationships and trust aren’t built on lies, James,” I replied, my voice cold and distant, every word cutting like glass. “You want me to have faith in you? Thenfuckingearn it.”
“It’s more complicated than you think, Emma,” James said, his posture tense, as if he were grasping for anything that would make sense.
“I don’t care!” I shot back. “You either open up to me, or you don’t!”
“It’s not my truth!” he exclaimed, his breathing ragged. “It’s not mine to share!”
I shook my head, as disbelief crept in. “No, that’s not good enough. Not when you expect me to love you and believe you. When you want me to take whatever you say at face value, I need to know that what you’re saying is true. You need to start talking to me. I need to trust you, and you need tolearnhow to trust me.”
His eyes flashed with a spark of darkness, and suddenly, out of nowhere, he spat, “Well, how can I, when you spilled the beans on theonething I asked you to keep a secret?”
I blinked, taken aback.What?
“Excuse me?” My eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “I’ve never said a word to anyone about anything you told me in confidence.”
James let out a short, bitter laugh. “How quickly you forget. Let me remind you—what was the first thing I ever asked you to keep quiet about? For your own sake, might I add?”
I racked my brain, but nothing came to mind. I’d been trained as a lawyer for years; my memory was sharp, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what he was referring to.
“You don’t remember?” His words were venomous, biting. “Let me refresh your memory.”
I frowned at him, trying to piece it together.
