He pulled back just enough to whisper, “You really should eat first.”
“Shut up,” I murmured, reeling him back in, the kiss heating up again.
But as quickly as the heat flared, reality came crashing back in. I had made my decision and I was counting on him to support it.
I broke away, reluctantly. “James. We need to talk.”
He grabbed my hand and sat down beside me. “What’s on your mind?”
I sucked in air, steadied my nerves, and caressed his palm with my finger. “I’ve been thinking a lot. About my energy, my translation, and the True Bond with Julian.”
His expression shifted subtly, but he stayed silent, waiting for me to continue.
“I want to research it. Properly,” I said, my tone firm. “I want to know how the hell I survived the Amplifier. I need to understand how I was able to bond with Julian without even wanting it, because I swear I didn’t. I need to know why my translation is untraceable in the Human World but visible and traceable over here. Why it feels so big and uncontrollable. Why I was so blocked last year. There’s so much we don’t know, and I think it’s time I found out.”
James’s face tightened ever so slightly. “Emma…”
I straightened my spine, already sensing his hesitation. “What? Don’t you think it’s worth looking into? I need answers, James. And I need to learn how to control this shit. I really need your support on this. And your access to the main library, by the way.”
He let go of my hand, then rubbed the back of his neck, avoiding my glare. “I don’t understand why you’d want to do all of this right now. You’ve heard there’s a war going on. I know it’s half away around the world, but it’s still my responsibility, and I’m sorry but that’s bigger than your personal struggles right now.”
I swallowed, forcing the surging feelings of guilt back down. Damn, he was good at summoning those.
“I know it seems selfish of me to be focused on this. But what if I figure out how I survived the Amplifier? Maybe we could somehow use it to our advantage in the war with the Radicals?”
James snorted. “Well, there’s a rationalization if I ever heard one.”
My anger flared. “It’s like you don’twantme to dig too deep into this.”
His jaw clenched but he didn’t dispute it.
“Why not?” My voice sharpened, my frustration bubbling up. “I have the right to know what’s happening to me. Don’tyouwant to know too?”
“Of course I do,” he said quietly, “but there is such a thing as timing. And this is no priority. At least not for now.”
I stared at him, stunned. Realizing what this meant. “So let me get this straight, if I begin searching for information aboutmyself, you won’t help me?”
He sighed, still refusing to meet my eyes. “It’s not like I don’t want to, Emma. I only think we should focus on other things right now.”
“Other things?!” I nearly shouted, pushing myself off the chair. “This is my life we’re talking about, James. You’re my boyfriend! I should be your priority! How can you be so passive about this?”
“Youaremy fucking priority,” he barked, standing as well. “I think it’s dangerous to poke around things we know nothing about. You could make it worse! Or have you forgotten about those fucking Radicals abducting you last year?”
I snorted. “Who’s rationalizing now? You just don’t want to be distracted from your Leader-duties!”
“Oh fuck off, Emma. Now you’re looking for reasons to be angry at me.”
I pulled back a little, stunned. It was like talking to a wall.
I curled my hands into fists and tried to push down my surging rage in favor of us having a real conversation. “James. Listen to me. I need to know what is happening to me. You think I meant to manifest all that blood yesterday? You don’t think it’s worth knowing why my translation is untraceable? I thought you, of all people, would want to help me.”
“Emma, I’m trying to protect you!” His voice rose, matching my own. “You’re messing with shit we don’t fully understand. You’re the one who’s scared shitless, remember? You don’t think it’s because there’s a valid reason you should be?”
“And you think ignoring the whole thing is our best solution?”
“I didn’t say that!”
“You’re acting like it!”
