“There’s plenty of room,” I argued. “We have two bedrooms.” He didn’t respond. Silence filled the line. “Terry?”
“Yes, and you will need a bedroom, and so will Katie. I shouldn’t still be here anyway. It’s not good for either of us. I’ll start packing.”
Without so much as a goodbye, he cut the call. I’d stood, staring at the handset. He’d never done that before.
Now, back in London, in our home, watching him walk away from me, I realize he was serious about ending our marriage. I’d hoped our three-month separation while I was in Scotland would make him see sense. Make him see that we were meant to be together. It had not had the desired effect. He left anyway.
***
Katie and I sit in my empty apartment, sprawled on a sofa, each wearing our pajamas and drinking cocktails.Top Gunis on the TV, and both of us have our eyes focused on the screen. Tom Cruise has just flown a fighter plane at a bazillion miles per hour through the skies. Now he’s riding his motorcycle, and as he dismounts, we get a panty-wetting view of his luscious behind. Delicious.
“Ooft,” I purr, “I wouldn’t mind him mounting me and enjoying a rodeo.”
My friend snorts, and the mojito she’s drinking shoots from between her lips. “Fuck’s sake. Don’t say things like that. The image that creates in my head is enough to make me orgasm on the spot.”
She grins, but her eyes are firmly trained on the view. “Look at us, two single, middle-aged women lying on our asses on a Saturday night. No men in sight. I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry. We are resolved to watch 1980’s film porn to get our kicks.”
I giggle. It’s true. Since we arrived back in London, we’ve only been out socially a handful of times. “We really need to up our game.”
In our apartment, I’m not the only woman nursing a broken heart. Up in Scotland, Katie had a fling with a man almost twenty years younger than her. She told me he was becoming tooinvolved; the relationship moving beyond a fling, and the best thing she could do was break it off.
“I’m going back to work this week,” I tell her.
“Good,” she says, “you need some focus. Are you going to start training again?”
“Yes, I’ve wallowed enough in self-pity. Trey’s been on his own for months. I can only hide in my room pretending to do the accounts for so long. And…” I pause, not sure how to say the next words.
“And?” she prompts. She pauses the movie, sits up and turns to face me. Her eyes are wide, focused on me and what I’m going to say. My friend is a gem of a woman. I love her like the sister I lost. The familiar ache in my chest makes an appearance when I think of my sister. It still hurts.
“And,” I say, closing my eyes then taking a breath, “he’s not coming back. It’s been weeks with no word except for the paperwork from his lawyer.”
I look over to the brown envelope lying untouched on the coffee table. It’s a proposal for the swift settlement of our divorce. The coffee ring bled into the corner of the envelope, staining the solicitor’s logo.
When the blasted thing arrived two weeks ago, I’d held it like a venomous snake, too scared to open it. Every word inside was a nail sealing the coffin of our marriage.My stomach fell to my toes. You see, even though months have passed, I still hoped he would come home to me.
Ben is tight-lipped about anything to do with Terry. I know he’s spoken to him. All he’s told me is he’s rented an apartment on the outskirts of the city and has been taking extra shifts at work to pay for it.
Our apartment is another issue we need to fix. It will need to be sold to release funds for both of us, as I have no idea what I’ll be able to afford. Katie contributes what she can,but her finances are a rollercoaster in themselves. She has no guaranteed income to rely on.
Things are tight, but we’re managing. Just.
“Amz,” Katie says, interrupting my thoughts. “I’m glad you’ve accepted that.”
“You knew he wouldn’t come back?” I ask. She nods, sadly. “How?”
“Because he loves you,” she says, and my mouth falls open. She giggles, but it’s tinged with sadness. “Terry adores you; you’ve been his priority for years. He wouldn’t have left unless he had to. Unless what he needs is deathly important to him. He would never hurt you unnecessarily.”
I press my knuckles to my lips, pinning the sound in my throat. The air goes thin. I can barely breathe. Everything feels hollow; the only grounding I have is a heavy ache somewhere under my ribs.
“I’m so sorry this has happened to you, honey. Life really is a bitch sometimes.”
“I miss him,” I whisper. “It feels as though I’m missing a limb.”
She stands and comes to sit on the sofa next to me where I lie. Her hand strokes my hair, and she focuses on me, her eyes boring into mine.
“Listen to me,” she says firmly, shifting closer. “No man controls your life or makes your life. You have one to live, you need to live it. Think of all the hard work you’ve put into that gym, and you’ve hardly been there. Think of Bex and what she’s missing out on with her son.”
She takes my hand and squeezes it softly.
