“So, are you going to tell me?” she asked him after some time of them sitting in silence.
“Tell you?” Caspian leaned back. “Tell you what?”
“Why this spot?” she asked, adding a light chuckle in as she did. “Clearly, you did not find it by accident. And clearly…” She indicated to the picnic blanket and then looked at him with a questioning eyebrow. “You have done this before.”
“Ah yes,” he said. “All the women I have brought here.”
“That’s not what I meant,” she said. “Now, come on…” She elbowed him playfully. “Tell me, what does this spot mean to you? It must mean something.”
She was right about that, and silly Caspian, he did not consider when he brought her here that he would be expected to tell her. What was meant as a nice gesture suddenly felt much more personal, more intimate, more real because Caspian rarely spoke of his past to anyone.
He hesitated, suddenly nervous and unsure.
“Caspian…” Thalia must have felt his body stiffen because she pulled away and looked at him. “Is something wrong?”
Caspian looked down at his wife, noting the concern in her eyes. He knew right then that if he told her that he did not want to talk about it, she would accept his answer. By now, she knew him well enough to know that he did not speak openly about his feelings, and certainly not his past. Not because he did not trust her, just because…I am not even sure why.
It was how he was raised. To be closed off. To keep his feelings held closely to his chest. Emotions were a weakness and could be used against you, so best to never give anyone that chance.
And not so long ago, Caspian would have held onto that justification, refusing to tell Thalia what she wanted to know… what she had a right to know. But as Caspian looked at his wife, as he looked around them at the glade, and as he considered the true reason why he brought her here, he decided that it was time he stopped falling back on his past as a justification for who he was and how he acted.
The simple fact was, Caspian was falling for his wife. He wanted her to know about him. He needed her to understand who he was and the reason for it.
They were married, and it was time he acted like it.
“I used to come here with my mother,” Caspian began, his voice so lower that he could hardly hear it. “Before she…” His chest tightened and his throat hurt. “Before she died.”
“Caspian…” Thalia touched his face. “You don’t have to…”
“It’s fine.” He took her hand and looked into her eyes. “I want to.”More than that, I need to.“She passed away when I was just a boy, no older than ten, although when I look back on those times, I feel younger than I was. Less than a child.”
“What was she like?” Thalia asked softly.
Caspian smiled at the thought of her. “She was lovely. Kind. Gentle. Warm. And she was funny…” He laughed. “You would have liked her, and she would have liked you. She used to bring me here nearly every week. We called it our little secret, a chance to escape and pretend as if the world had ended and nothing mattered. A place that we could be ourselves… my mother especially.”
Thalia frowned, suddenly looking unsure.
“You can ask me,” he said.
“What do you mean, be yourself?” her voice cracked.
“My father was not a good man…” Caspian looked away as if in shame. “He was cold… ruthless… really, he was a typical product of his upbringing, and he expected the same from me. When my mother was alive, she protected me.” He smiled again. “She reminded me that it was not such a bad thing to laugh and enjoy life.”
“And after she died…”
He sighed and shook his head. “You wish to know why I am the way that I am? My father is the reason. Once my mother passed, he beat the lessons she had taught me out of my body and my soul.” His brow tightened and he winced at the memory. “Men don’t laugh. Men don’t joke. Men don’t love, Caspian…” His lip curled. “I never wanted it, but slowly my father broke me and built me back up in his image.”
“Oh, Caspian…”
He sighed. “Don’t feel too sorry for me. Yes, my father is part of the reason, but was I not so like him in the first place, even he could not –”
“Don’t do that,” she spoke over him.
“Do what?”
“Blame yourself.” She shuffled in close and made sure to be looking at him. As she did, the sun caught her eyes, and he could see his reflection in them. “And do not act as if you are like your father.”
“I am like him.”
