It is that I dare to reach for what I want in this life, to be a woman with desires, and then to not shrink away ashamed. I am scandalousandI am powerful and wealthy. They can’t stand it. Not Liddell or Mr. Thompson or the toffs in London. They did not mind a soiled dove—although they may decry her a shame without much thought—as long as she has no power over them. As long as she is a pitiable creature.
Pulling myself away from these somber thoughts, I consider the man across from me. Mr. Saintsbury looks out the carriage window, his pretty mouth heavy with consternation.
What doeshethink of me? Does he hate me?
I don’t know. He has no reason to think of me kindly. He certainly did not need to intervene on my behalf. I do not like the idea of being in his debt. Although, perhaps, hewas attempting to curry favor. To get himself out of the sticky corner in which I have trapped him. Well, such chivalry will not work onme, and he should know it.
“I would have walked,” he says abruptly, “although I appreciate your concern.”
“It would hardly be fair. Given what you just did for me. Although you should know that your display of bravery does not alter things between us in the slightest.”
He still does not meet my eye. For once, he seems to have no cockstand.
I shift, a slight anxiety sneaking up my spine. Foolishly, I hope that this incident won’t cool the man’s ardor for me. I have no taste for bedding a reluctant man. I am enjoying his frantic passion. I can admit that.
“I had not thought that it would,” he says brusquely, almost as if he were offended.
“I hope it does not cause any trouble for you. In the village. As Mr. Thompson suggested it might.”
I am trying to be civil. I owe him a bit of softness after what he just did.
Alfred shrugs.
“It may. Among some. But I think Mr. Thompson exaggerates the matter.”
I can’t tell if he is truly nonchalant about the possibility of alienating the townspeople or if he is disguising his feelings. It irks me that he is so opaque.
“I would not want you to come to any trouble on my account.”
His gaze snaps to me.
“You mean trouble that is not of your own doing.”
I smile. “Yes. That is exactly what I mean.”
“You needn’t worry. No lady deserves to endure such inhumanebehavior.”
“Is that so? You would have come to any woman’s aid?”
I toss the words off, keeping my tone cool. However, a little sinking feeling goes through me at his rebuke. At the idea that he offers me no special consideration.
“Of course. I would help any innocent person being menaced by a mob.”
“Oh, but I’m not innocent,” I say, giving him my cruelest smile. “I’m guilty of all the sins they charge me with.”
Alfred looks back out the window.
“You have nothing to say to that?”
He is silent still, but his jaw is clenched.
“Look at me,” I demand. My heart begins to beat a humiliating panic through me. I am not sure why.
He obeys me though, settling his green eyes on my face.
“I am all they say,” I repeat.
“That does not mean you deserve to be harmed.”
