We may confidently assert that no man is entitled to the character of being chaste who by any unnatural means causes expulsion of semen.
That was the stricture he wanted me to live by.
“I am sorry to have upset you, father. I know that youwould not have me live this way. That you would have me live very differently. I would have liked to obey your wishes. But I found that I could not.”
No, it was more than that, I realize.
“I don’t want to, in fact,” I clarify. “It is not a way of living that makes me happy.”
“You will be completely lost to me, boy. In almost every way. I can hardly own you—not with my position in the church.”
His eyes are round and shining. I realize that he is angry—but that he is also afraid.
“It is too late,” he continues, “for you to take back what you have done. I thought, perhaps, you could. But it has spread everywhere. Even if you left this place and came back to Hampshire with me, your reputation could not be salvaged. You will never receive another post in the church.”
“Have you come to say goodbye then?”
“You are my son, Alfred. I will never say goodbye to you.”
The words surprise me. It is a devotion that I did not necessarily expect. I have never before defied him.
“Then why have you come?”
“To make sure you are well, boy.”
“I am not a boy.”
“No. I suppose not.” He sighs, his anger seemingly ebbing. “I wanted what was best for you. The best position. The best marriage. I always wanted to protect you.”
“I know. But those weren’t your decisions to make. They were mine. I should have never let you interfere with my affairs to such a degree. I wanted to marry. I told you so.”
“Then you should have married!” he spits out. “An imprudent marriage would be leagues betterthanthis.”
“I have fallen in love.”
“Love? That is what you call it. You were always tender-hearted—this is what I feared.”
“What do you mean?”
“You have a sweet nature and I always worried you would fall prey to designing women. And in the end I was right.”
“Then why not encourage me to marry, if you had such concerns?”
“Now I wish I had. But there was your career to think of. And you seemed capable, at least, of self-denial.”
Anger burns in my chest.
“Yes, I was capable of that. For a long time. But not forever.”
“Come back with me. To Hampshire. Leave this place. Your career in the church is done. But we could get you into a line of trade, perhaps.”
“Father,” I say. “It is too late for that. Far too late.”
“May I speak with her? Miss de Lacey?”
I am startled by this request. But before I can negative it, I hear a door swing open.
“I am not hiding from you, Mr. Saintsbury,” Annabelle says, her soft blue eyes blazing. “I will speak with you, if you wish it.”
