“Fine,” Montaigne said, feeling weary, “It doesn’t matter, anyway.”
When Olivia wouldn’t talk to him, even his anger at Leith felt futile.
He trudged into the house and heard one of his friends shut the door behind them. He went back into the pretty little drawing room, the one that Olivia so adored, and reseated himself on the sofa. He took up the bottle and poured himself another tumbler.
“How many of those have you had?” Trem demanded.
“As many as I need.”
“Has she broken the engagement?” John said, “Not that I see why she would. It’s not your fault that Leith is an addlepated simpleton.”
Leith didn’t even sulk at these words, Montaigne noticed. He did look contrite. The expression didn’t come naturally to him, but it was there all the same.
“She has been worried thatmyworld won’t accept her. I almost had her convinced that it wouldn’t be so bad. And then it ends up that one of my best friends was the one who separated us so long ago. So much for her feeling like our love is possible.”
“Monty, I—am so sorry,” Leith repeated. “Once I did it, back then, and I saw how miserable you were, I regretted it immediately. I even tried to find her again. I did! I thought she couldn’t have gone far. But she wasnowhere.I felt terribly. I was young and stupid and didn’t understand—”
“Youstilldon’t understand,” Montaigne snapped. “You’ve never cared for a woman once in your life. You have no idea what it feels like to want someone, to love someone, the way I have always loved her.”
“You’re right, I don’t,” Leith conceded. “But I saw how devastated you were. How devastated you are now. And I’d do anything to take it back. I would.”
“None of you understand me. And the truth is that I cannot fully blame you. I’ve lied to you for years.”
“What do you mean?” John said, consternation stitched across his face.
“I’m not a rake,” he said, simply, pushing away his glass. He didn’t want it, he realized.
He had been afraid to tell the truth to his friends, but now he found he didn’t care about their reactions. He even reveled in the idea of shocking them. He wanted to scandalize them with hownotscandalous he actually was. And he knew it was the only way for Leith to understand the depth of what he had done to him. He had downplayed his own pain for years and he would have to now put it in terms that his best friends would understand.
“What do you mean?” Leith said. “We’re allrakes. Or we were—before everyone changed.”
John, Trem, and Montaigne all rolled their eyes at these words.
“I don’t understand what you mean, Monty,” Trem interjected.
“Before Olivia came back to London, I hadn’t bedded a woman in thirteen years. Not since she left, the first time.”
It didn’t even pain him to say the words. They were merely, he thought, the truth. To say them aloud was, in fact, a relief.
Three pairs of stunned eyes looked back at him.
“You’re jesting,” Trem said.
“That’s impossible,” John cried. He turned to the others. “It’s just a jape.”
“It’s not,” he insisted.
“But, Monty,” Leith said, “You always—the servants—”
“I never slept with any of them. I’d give them money and they’d stay in my chambers, but I didn’t touch them. I didn’t want to. I only wanted her.”
“But thirteen years, Monty,” Leith said, “Without a woman…”
“I know. It’s an age. Believe me, I felt it. But I couldn’t have anyone else. I couldn’t let myself.”
Leith opened his mouth and then closed it. He opened it again and once more failed to make noise.
Finally, he found words.
