I nod and enter the bedroom to hide the car keys before stripping. Life used to make sense, and now nothing does.
Ryan stumbles into the room and fumbles with his belt. On one hand, I’d love nothing more than for him to pass out, but he’ll be angry at me in the morning, as if it’s my fault he couldn’t stay awake.
I kneel in front of him and undo his belt, lowering his jeans as he steps out of them. “Iknewyou loved me.”
“Of course I love you, Ryan.”
Stroking him to a semi takes a lot more work than usual. I bob my head on what is hard. He shoves me down his cock, using my mouth like a toy, and for a few minutes, I think I might choke to death.
“Fuck.”
Ryan’s gone soft before he rips out of my mouth. I'd point out the obvious, but I doubt he wants to know. “It’s okay, baby. Let’s cuddle?”
“Fuck you, bitch. It'syourfault.” He stumbles around before falling to the floor and then standing with his pants in his hand. “I’m going out. Give me the keys.”
“I don’t know where they are, but I can help you look.”
The sheer anger on his face makes me tense, but I begin sifting through drawers and under papers. “I’ll be picked up. I have to find someone who can make me hard.”
Those words will always cut at my heart, like I’m disposable.
He’s on his phone as he walks out of the apartment. I follow behind, knowing this isn’t on me, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.
“You need to lose some weight. I’m not as attracted to you. If you were hotter, I would’ve been hard and able to get off. Clara, you think you love me, but you just don’t fucking get it.”
“Ryan, that’s bullshit. Maybe if you didn’t drink so much, we could’ve had a good night.” I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. I know better.
He halts as we reach the door, the headlights shining through the side window.
I slam into Ryan’s back while he spins around. Pushing me against the wall, he jerks my pants down as he jams his fingers into me. It hurts, but I swallow as I stare at him over my shoulder. His gaze is clearer and filled with fury.
Ripping away, Ryan grabs the nape of my neck, slamming me against the wall. This time my face doesn’t break through the plaster. I slip to the floor while holding my head, and he slams the door.
I go over all of the events from tonight, thinking about where I could have improved. I shouldn’t have provoked him with my words—I know better than anyone about that.
My head throbs as I stand glancing out the window. Ryan gets into a car I don’t recognize and they pull out in a rush, squealing the tires on the road before taking off.
I head to the kitchen and tidy up from the day before, grabbing a towel and ice pack before, curling up on the couch.
His dad is usually away when he pulls these stunts, which makes the most sense, because I would like to believe Burke would at least check in to see whether I were alright, or what the damage to his basement apartment is.
I know Ryan can be so sweet and amazing, but with a flick of a switch, he is sadistic and likes to hurt me.
I’ve had to endure many drunken nights with him, and as much as I would love to blame the alcohol, that’s not the reason. Ryan can change at the drop of a dime, sober or not.
The last time we were at his friend's, he made sure to take me there, in his friend's bed, to prove to everyone I was his. I begged and pleaded, but it always fell on deaf ears. The alcohol only provides him with extra courage.
I want to leave, but I love him so fucking much, it’s difficult. I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone better than him.
He’s been a constant in my life for years, and knowing someone wants you so badly that they control everything you do is how I think love should be. I give over everything to Ryan and trust he won’t hurt me, even though he does.
I think in time I can change, and he will get better. Once I get that down, I will be able to keep him happy, and he’ll stop hurting me.
Two
Clara
The sun is out of sight, and a layer of fresh dew envelops everything, as if the night wept.
