Cathlina expected that answer. She tried to imagine the women he might have been with, wondering if she could compare with their beauty. Surely they must have been the most beautiful women in England. But she didn’t want him to suspect her thoughts so she lowered her gaze, trying to think of something to say, when he interrupted.
“This concerns you,” he ventured gently. “I assure you I have not spread myself around like some men have. I have no bastards that I am aware of. I do not carry diseases of any kind.”
She looked up at him as if horrified by the thought but wasn’t fast enough to mask her shock. Mathias, seeing the expression on her face, looked rather stricken himself.
“I do not believe I am doing myself any favors by running off at the mouth,” he said. “I am sorry. I did not mean to disgust you. I simply meant to ease your mind.”
Cathlina nodded faintly, thinking on his words and trying to figure out how to explain her thoughts. “I must agree that there should be complete honesty in our marriage,” she said. “Therefore, I must confess my own.”
“What is that?”
“I am not virgin.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Mathias stared ather. After a moment, his manner cooled dramatically. “You will explain.”
Cathlina could see, in that instance, that her honesty had not been well-met and she struggled to explain to him in a way that wouldn’t send him into a rage. In fact, she started to tremble, now very sorry that she had opened up to him. It had been a mistake.
“I was very young,” she said, struggling not to cry from the expression on his face. “I was around fourteen years of age and… at Lincoln where I fostered… the servants and soldiers constantly coupled. As young girls, we used to spy on them. When the lady of the castle explained the ways of men and women to the young women in her charge… the way she told us of coupling made it seem so… she spoke of it as if it was nothing precious or unusual. She spoke of it in little detail and told us that we must discover for ourselves one day what a curious and detestable act it was. We decided that one of us would find out what she meant and tell the others and… oh, Mathias, I was stupid and irresponsible. I was so young… I did not know at the time that my virginity belonged to my husband. My foolish companions at Lincoln never told me that part of it and when I found out, I swore never to tell my parents. I could have very easily not told you but… well, you said we must have honesty in this marriage so I told you. I am sorry if I disappointed you.”
Mathias continued to stand there, staring at her. He truthfully had no idea how to feel. Cheated crossed his mind, as did deception, but she had made it clear deception was not thecase. She had told him something she very well didn’t have to. She could have explained away the lack of blood on the marital sheets a number of different ways and that, of course, would have been deception. More than anything, he realized he felt vastly hurt and disappointed. Someone had touched his sweet Cathlina first. It was his own fault really. He married her so swiftly he never discovered such things. Now it was too late. But truth be told, even if he had known, he would have married her anyway. He felt too strongly about her not to.
With a heavy sigh, he planted himself on the bed, pondering her revelation. His expression was like stone until he looked up and saw the tears in her eyes. He could feel himself ease somewhat, understanding the fear and regret she was feeling. He could see it in her face.
“You will tell me in exact detail what happened,” he said quietly.
She sniffled, nodded, and quickly wiped the tears that were starting to spill. “I was in the great hall and he was….”
“Nay,” he cut her off. “The act itself. Tell me what he did to you.”
She blinked at the request but dutifully recalled the event in as much detail as she could. “He…,” she said, swallowed hard, then began again. “It happened so fast. He put his hand up my shift and his fingers… he put them inside me. I could not see very much because my skirts were up around my neck but he lay atop me and… are you sure you want to hear this?”
“Go on.”
She reluctantly obliged. “Very well,” she said quietly. “He lay atop me and I felt something… you know, like his fingers, only it seemed bigger, but then he groaned and climbed off of me. He told me how beautiful I was, kissed my cheek, and that was the end of it. When I tried to put my skirts down, there was a big wet spot on them. My friends said it was where he spilled his seed.”
“Then he did not penetrate you?”
She shrugged. “His fingers did,” she said softly. “I do not really know if anything else did.”
“Did you feel pain? Was there blood?”
She shook her head. “There was no real pain at all,” she said honestly. “To be truthful, I do not recall seeing any blood.”
Mathias thought on that, realizing he felt marginally better about the situation. He was coming to see a very clumsy attempt that evidently went nowhere. From what she described, it was barely anything at all but she had bared her soul as if she had wildly fornicated. That seemed not to be the case at all and as much as he found it rather shocking that a well-bred lady should have behaved so, he realized he was fighting off a smile. His little Cathlina was a bit of a foolish rebel, which oddly pleased him. He was starting to feel rather inadequate against her perfection.
“Then I would wager to say that you are still virgin,” he said. “From what you have told me, it does not seem as if he completed the deed.”
Cathlina stared at him, shocked to hear words of understanding coming out his mouth. It was not what she had expected at all. She nearly collapsed with emotion, with relief.
“Mathias, I am so sorry,” she whimpered, squeezing her eyes shut as she put her face in her hands. “I was so young and stupid. I had no idea how serious it was until later. You must understand that I am truly and deeply sorry. I pray you will forgive me.”
He looked at her lowered head a moment before reaching out a hand to touch her silky hair. “I suppose we have all been foolish in our life,” he said. “You have been truthful with me and I appreciate it. But I will say this, coupling between a husband and wife is sacred. If no one has told you that before, I will tell you now. We are married now and I am the only man you can have relations with. Is this clear?”
She nodded before he even finished his sentence. “You do not need to even say such things,” she said. “I understand it all too well and I would be true and faithful to you in any case.”
“Just so we understand one another.”
