“I wasn’t trying to be mysterious,” he said. “I simply wasn’t ready to speak on it.”
Wrapped in a heavy shawl against the damp night, Kellington came close, her fair face illuminated by the torchlight dotting the wall.
“Yet you told your father,” she pointed out. “Even if he cannot answer you, he is listening. He is always listening.”
Julian nodded. “I know,” he said. Then, he looked up into the sky again. “It’s strange. I feel his presence more heavily here, on the wall. Mayhap it is because it is taller and closer to heaven, but I feel closer to him here. He was always willing to listen to my troubles.”
Kellington’s lips curved with the hint of a smile. “You had many troubles, Julian,” she said. “From the moment you were born, you had troubles. You were born early, you know.”
“I know.”
“I had been chasing Cole around and your father insisted I rest, but I would not listen,” she said. “Cole ran out into the kitchen yard and as I came through the door, I slipped in mud from the rain we’d had the night before. I did not fall, but I strained myself. I could feel pain in my belly but I did not think anything of it until the middle of the night when you were demanding to be born. Papa did not have time to summon the physic, you came so quickly, out into his waiting hands. Did you know that? He was the first person to hold you, Julian. Next to me, you were the last person to hold him in return. I find that poignant.”
Julian looked at her, great sorrow in his eyes. “I had not thought of it that way,” he said. Then he sighed heavily and hung his head. “I fear all I’ve done is make a mockery of myself, Mama. Papa had such profound words for me before he passed and I’ve not been able to do as he asked. I do not know why… mayhap I am unable to. I really do not know.”
Kellington reached up, putting a gentle hand on her boy’s head. “What did he ask of you, Julian?”
“To find the greatness within myself.”
“Did you ever stop to think that greatness is not what you think it means?”
He turned his head, looking at her. “What do you mean?”
Kellington shrugged as she pulled her shawl more tightly around her body. “Greatness can mean many things,” she said. “It can mean perfection in battle or the love of your family. It can mean the love of a good woman or simply finding satisfaction with yourself. I think your papa meant that you needed to findyourgreatness… not anyone else’s idea of it or their expectations of what it might mean, but yours alone. Does that make sense?”
Julian nodded as he thought on it. His mother always had a way of putting things so that he could understand. “It does.”
She smiled faintly. “You have always put so much pressure on yourself to be perfect,” she said. “I do not think you realized that, to your father, youwereperfect. You just never saw it in yourself. That was why he told you that you must find your greatness when he really meant that you must find your happiness. You must find what makes you the happiest– no matter what anyone else thinks.”
Julian sighed heavily, his gaze moving to the landscape below, the road that led to Pelinom’s gatehouse. “I thought I had found it,” he said. “I thought Lady Lista was perfect for me and that we would be happy together.”
“What happened?”
His lips twisted into a wry expression. “She made a fool of me.”
“How did she do this?”
He sighed sharply, starting to feel some angst. “Because there was another knight at Felkington,” he said. “His name is Louis de Rhos and he is the son of the Earl of Sunderland.”
“Sunderland?” Kellington repeated, recognizing the name. “Then his brother must be Ren de Rhos, the knight who married Audrie de Longley.”
Julian nodded. “It is,” he said. “Louis and I acknowledged that we both knew his brother had married the woman intended for my brother. In fact, I liked Louis. I thought he was an honorable and witty man. I enjoyed speaking to him and thought I’d made a friend.”
“Then what happened?”
Julian rolled his eyes and looked away. “I went to find Lista this morning, at the request of her mother, and I found her in Louis’ arms.”
Kellington nodded faintly, realizing the situation. Or, so she thought. “I see,” she said. “Lista had fallen for de Rhos?”
Julian shrugged. “I suppose,” he said. “I did not ask. I saw what I saw and I left. There was no longer any reason for me to remain at Felkington.”
Kellington frowned. “You did not ask?”
Julian wouldn’t look at her. “Why should I?” he said. “I know what I saw. Lista was in Louis’ arms and that is all I needed to see.”
The shouts from the sentries suddenly went up, piercing the night air. Julian looked to the road leading up to the gatehouse purely out of habit and could see two riders approaching, followed closely by at least forty men. He wasn’t close enough to see who they were but those at the gatehouse evidently recognized them because men on horseback and with torches rode out to greet them. As they came closer, it occurred to Julian that one of the riders was a woman.
“I think that’s Addie,” he told his mother. “I told Ashton to bring her home immediately.”
