Alec froze at the base of the stairs, the warmth gone from his expression. “Do you truly intend to hate me for the duration of our married life, Peyton? I do not want you to hate me.”
Her eyes were laced with uncertainty. She did not want to hate him either, but he was cold and…. certainly, he was not cold now, but it was all a grand performance to force her to relax her guard.
…. wasn’t it?
Gently, she pulled her hand from the crook of his arm and felt the sting of puzzled tears tweaking her eyes. “I cannot love you, if that is what you want.”
“I do not care if you love me or not. I simply do not want to spend the rest of my life with a woman who loathes me.”
Peyton gazed at him a moment, swallowing the tears, the confusion. She had been very clear that honesty was to be the cornerstone of their marriage and she suddenly felt the urge to tell him everything that had been making her insane with frustration. Gazing into his sky blue eyes, she knew that the time had come.
“I would be truthful with you, Alec,” she said quietly. “The only time you are pleasant with me is when I yield to yourpassion. The rest of the time, we are usually arguing or fighting over something. Your cold demeanor confuses me greatly. If I told you I hated you, it was because you frustrated me terribly. I simply do not know what to think of you at times.”
He was still expressionless, but the tone of his voice changed dramatically. It was soft, almost pleading. “You think me cold? What have I done to convey this to you?”
Peyton lowered her gaze. By his tone, she understood that he was truly perplexed with her assessment and she thought a moment on her reply. She had come this far in her admission and it was only logical that she follow through. She had to work through whatever she was feeling and deal with it.
“When I told you of James’ death, you suddenly became cold and distant. I was opening myself up to you, Alec, and you stepped on my outstretched hand. When we speak of Ali, you become defensive and hard. When I questioned you about your dead brother, you became a rock,” she lifted her gaze to him. “It would seem that when I attempt to know you personally, as you are to be my husband, you cut me off. It’s as if you do not want me to know you at all, so all that I know of you is that you are an unfeeling, callous man merely concerned with your own wants and needs.”
He looked at her a moment, suddenly seeing a great deal that he had been blind to all along. Of course she professed her hate for him; he had given her very little reason to like him.
“I am sorry if it seems that way. I assure you, my actions were never intentional,” his voice was soft. “I simply do not express myself as well as some and if I convey harshness and insensitivity, it is unintentional. At least to you it is unintentional. I never meant to imply that I was cold and unfeeling.”
Peyton was somewhat appeased by his apology, but he did not address her specific complaints. She had been completely honest and expected the same of him.
“Why were you so cold after I told you of James? Are you envious of his memory?”
“Of course not,” he snapped softly. “Nothing of the kind. ’Tis just…. seeing the joust pole and the scabbard brought back unpleasant memories of my own, ’tis all. I apologize if I hurt your feelings, Peyton. You must believe I never meant to.”
Her self-protection vanished. “What memories, Alec?” she whispered, winding her hand into his huge warm palm and feeling his strength touch her. “Won’t you tell me?”
He gazed at her a moment, feeling her question to his soul. As much as he tried to ward off the memories, they refused to bank and he felt his chest tighten with the familiar ache. Looking into the soft sapphire blue of her eyes, he could read comfort in the depths if he would only relent. His knees suddenly weakened and he deposited himself on the stairs, pulling her down with him.
Instead of sitting next to him, she sat between his legs, still holding his hand. The anger, the hatred, the confusion was forgotten as she patiently waited for him to speak. His head was bowed, staring at the stone steps as his other hand came up to clasp her single hand tightly in a two-fisted grip. It occurred to Peyton that the man Alec was today, the unfeeling human with moments of brightness, shielded something much deeper. She never realized that his demeanor was an act of self-protection, just as hers was.
“Tell me, Alec,” she whispered, squeezing his hand. “I shall not bite you.”
He smiled, a thin humorless gesture. “I know your pain,” he finally said, quiet and faint. “The pain of losing a loved one. ’Tis a deep ache and I am too familiar with it,” his great head cameup, the blue eyes soft. “I…. I cannot speak of it, however. Since it happened I have not been able to speak of it. But it is not because I do not trust you, nor is it because I have anything to hide. I simply cannot speak on the subject.”
She looked puzzled, her fingers tenderly caressing his hands as big as trenchers. “What subject?”
She saw him swallow hard. “My dead brother.”
His pain was obvious. Without knowing any details, her eyes stung with tears, for she only knew how miserable she would be if a mishap ever befell Ivy. “Did this brother have a name?”
“Peter,” he whispered and she barely heard him.
She paused a moment to ponder the name, the mysterious dead brother. Then, she touched his head gently. “We will not speak of him again. I will never mention his name in your presence.”
He continued to hold her hand tightly and she continued to stroke his head like a child, feeling a good deal of pity for the huge man. To her surprise, he suddenly chuckled and focused on her. “He was a good deal like you, actually. Reddish-gold hair and a temper to match. He used to drive me daft at times.”
She lifted an eyebrow at him. “Are you saying that I am your brother’s revenge, sent to curse you for the rest of your life?”
Alec smiled broadly, a beautiful smile she found wonderful. He had the whitest teeth she had ever seen. “He would be so cruel, yes. Your aunt hasn’t had any visions of him, demanding satisfaction on my mortal body?”
Peyton laughed. “Not that I am aware of. And do not believe for one moment that he has possessed me.”
His smile softened, his expressionless face suddenly tender. “I would never think that.”
