His words were sincere. As hard as I tried to want this—because it would solve everything—I had nothing but a feeling of doom pounding in my chest.
“Perhaps,” he interrupted my thoughts, “I can talk to your father. I will suggest we wait a week. There’s no reason why this announcement needs to be tonight. I’ll delay my return home, and we can spend the week together if that would make you more comfortable.”
I should have let out a breath of relief, but I didn’t feel relieved. If anything, the chokehold that had been placed on me tightened up another notch. If my option was now or delaying this a week, neither choice was promising. After seven more days, I’d be right back to this moment again, trying to force myself into something I didn’t want to do.
Unless spending time with him will help me to see him differently? It would be nice to end this war. Maybe I will feel better in a week? It would be worth trying.
“If that’s an option you’re okay with, I’d agree to wait another week.” My voice was firm, reinforcing my decision to at least try to like him.
My gaze fled to my father’s back. Before I could say anything more, King Aswell spoke again, “I’ll tell him it was my idea.” He offered a reassuring smile and left to join my father.
I couldn’t sleep that night. Even though, I was panicked about King Aswell, my mind wandered to Reeves. I actually found myself smirking as I recalled the carefree way he had flung me around. It was a simple moment. It was something I had been missing out on. I’d never danced in a public place, or even been alone with a man. We weren’t trying to put on a show for an audience or look royal as I’m forced to do at our palace balls. It was a slice of regular life. Something I hadn’t ever experienced. I didn’t have a plastic smile glued on my face to give the appearance I was having fun, but I genuinely enjoyed myself and laughed for real.
I had never been allowed to mingle with whomever I wanted. Weston was always standing way too close for anyone to approach me. If I hadn’t snuck out when he was looking the other way, he wouldn’t have allowed it.
How would it be if I could go about my day without always having to be a princess? Tears budding in the back of my eyes, leaving me curious.Would I behappy? Do I even know what happiness is?
I understood my privilege. I wasn’t complaining as I had opportunities most people only dreamed about. Still, I enjoyed remembering that stolen dance on the street. It might be the most fun I’d had.
Ever.
That was really sad.
My lips turned down as I realized my entire life was actually depressing. I was like the caged bird Weston wrote about, and Father was my ruler.
The night skies morphed into early dawn, and sleep evaded me. By morning, I laid in bed, groggy and forlorn. Growing more bitter with each passing hour.
“Erralee,” Ruenella’s voice sang from the other side of my bedroom door.
“Come in.” I sat up, eyes barely landing on my door before it opened faster than I had anticipated for a lazy Saturday. Ruenella bounded in, her brightly painted lips beaming ear to ear. Her blonde curls piled on top of her head and cascaded down like never-ending silk waves. There wasn’t a day she wasn’t fully made up. She was always stunning, in contrast to me, who preferred to dress more plainly. Before I could greet her, she blurted out, “King Aswell is downstairs! Father is requesting that you come down at once.”
“What?” I ran my hand over my hair, attempting to smooth it down. I had gone to bed with it still wet, because I liked how it left soft waves in my hair. Mother always preferred it to have texture, and if it wasn’t wavey, she’d force Margarette on me with her curling iron and sprays.
Since I didn’t sleep, but rather tossed all night, my plan to have soft curls backfired, leaving my hair ratted. It wasn’t anywhere near Mother’s standards. I flipped my blanket off me and darted to my closet, nervously scanning my dresses. Both my parentswould insist I present with my best, but I wasn’t ready for this!Isn’t he supposed to call first?
I fanned through my day dresses, tossing most aside. Not because they weren’t nice. I really had no idea what I was looking for. Cringing, I grabbed the last hanger and flung it to my bed.“Did he say what he wanted?”
“King Aswell?” Ruenella’s brow puckered, as if she had trouble understanding why I didn’t know everything already. “He wants to see you.”
“Well, isn’t that nice of him to show up and assume I wanted to see him,” I muttered sarcastically as I yanked the white sundress off the hanger.
“Come on,” Ruenella’s voice smoothly rolled out as she wistfully clasped her hands in front of her. “Don’t you think it’s sweet he’s here? He’s smitten with you.”
I shot her a piercing look. “There is nothing about this arrangement that is sweet for me.”
Ruenella’s smile straightened. “I’ll help you get dressed.” She reached for my nightgown as soon as I slipped it over my head and hung it back up for me. By the time I had my dress on, she had already produced a brush and white velvet hair tie.
I sat at my vanity, and she quickly went to work, pulling my hair back into a long fishtail braid. “I don’t know how you aren’t excited about this,” she gushed with a smile so large, you’d think all her dreams were coming true. “King Aswell is so handsome, and respected. You’ll be queen and live on one of the most beautiful islands.” She let out a dreamy sigh while she wrapped the velvet tie around the end of my braid.
“On one hand, it doesn’t feel real.” I stared at my reflection in my vanity mirror, wondering why he’d want to marry me when I had done nothing to win his affection. “On the other hand, it’s not how I pictured my life.” My lashes fluttered slightly, and I fought to still them. It took so much strength, all I had left for avoice was a whisper, “I always thought I would get to make my own choices about getting married, and where I would live.”
Her smile faded into a quarter smile. “So, you’re not scared. Just not excited?”
I avoided her question. Instead forcing credence into my declaration, “We’ve stepped back into the Stone Age with these backroom marriage deals.”
As I studied my reflection, I saw a woman who had grown up comfortably. This was the first time I recalled ever being asked to do anything to help my father. I had always been provided for. Maybe I should have felt important, knowing the fate of a country resided entirely in my actions. That wasn’t the case at all. I felt an abandonment of myself. I was giving up on finding happiness and true love. My mind rewound to Reeves; his voice echoed in my head, “Wait for true love. . .” Even though I’d never experienced love before, I was convinced love wasn’t the main emotion I had for King Aswell.
I was also beginning to see Father as an obstacle to my own happiness. I loved him dearly, faults and all. I bit down into my bottom lip, remembering my childhood. He seemed always to pressure me to be someone I wasn’t. My parents barely tolerated me spending all my time outside, and forever encouraged me to care about the arts, traveling and all things royal. I tried it all for them. I wanted so desperately to feel their affection, but even after all these things I’d done for them, it was never enough.
