My heart tensed up, squeezing into a hard knot. If I had to explain what happened next, I would say it felt like the thinnest outside layer ripped wide open, and I didn’t doubt I had some level of internal bleeding. I held Nick’s gaze as if seeing him for the first time. A yearning sensation washed through me, and I was left feeling a pull, and complete devastation that we hadn’t gotten married. I was still staring, slack jawed, fighting back budding tears when Nick interrupted my thoughts.
“I know we still have to find Santa,” Nick’s started in his back-to-normal tone, “but I’m suffering from thirstivation—” Cutting himself off, he held up his hand in a stop motion and rushed to add, “I do not want to go back to the Harbor Inn—that’s thelastthing we need—but would you want to grab a bite to eat at The Grove?”
The dog jumped at Nick’s leg at the mere sound of food, obviously adding his yes vote. All of a sudden I understood why people like pets, despite how much work there were. It’s like you could be having the worst day ever, and they still bring you a reason to smile.
Not having eaten anything all day, I should have been starving, but I had been fueled by adrenaline. Now that I learned we weren’t married, the adrenaline had taken a noticeable plunge, but I wasn’t hungry. Nick looked so obviously relieved; it made my disappointment spiral out of control. I didn’t want him to pick up on it, so I lied, “Yeah.” I forced myself to smile enough, though I had no idea why it was so hard. “I could eat,” I added as I turned on my heel, and marched across the street.
What was wrong with me? I had received perfect news. I should be feeling loads of relief, but that was not the case.
I was completely devastated.
twelve
Nick
Wesatintheback of The Grove, in a booth perfect for just two. Like all the other businesses in town, this place was decked out with Christmas garland on the long counter, and Christmas music filled the air. They never said anything about not bringing the dog in, and he wasn’t one to wait to be invited. He smashed in next to me, like he was a person having a regular Saturday lunch. “That dog has candy cane breath,” I said, my words rolled out casually over the top of my menu as I thought about how he woke me up. You’d think it would have been disgusting to have a dog slobber all over your face, but his breath was quite pleasant.
Charlotte snickered while she set her menu face down in front of her. “He certainly has an affinity for them.”
A young woman wearing a Grove T-shirt, and a cheerleader-high ponytail strolled up to our table and motioned to Charlotte’s discarded menu. “Do you know what you want?”
“Yeah, I always get the same thing.” Charlotte returned her menu to the waitress. “A cheeseburger, no bun, extra pickles, and BBQ sauce.”
The waitress offered one of those efficient nod, and turned to me. “And you?”
I briefly glanced over the selection before I gave up. “A burger sounds good. I might just have to make that two, but I’ll have the bun on mine please.” A sudden wave of heavy breathing tickled the side of my face, and without having to look over, I corrected myself. “Or make it three. Our buddy wants one, too.” I handed my menu back, tacking on, “And some waters please.”
“You got it.” She spun on her heel and left us sitting in a rare awkward silence. Usually, the time I spent with Charlotte was filled with excitement, and we never ran out of things to say. However, today was different. I supposed finding out we weren’t married was the best outcome, but something inside of me felt hollow.
Maybe it was the start of me finally letting her go? Boy, I never expected that’s what I’d be thinking about today. I had looked forward to this weekend all year, and now it was clouded with a heaviness in my heart. The waitress came back with our waters, and I quickly took a drink, thankful to have the refreshment. My whole body seemed parched, and I chugged almost the entire glass. Charlotte didn’t seem to notice, as she was busy playing with the dog by making little finger races across the table. She was smiling again, something she hadn’t done much all morning.
The dog was better at making her happy than I was.
Clearing my throat, I asked, “How’s your hip? You seem to be doing better.”
Her lashes fluttered before she answered. “I had forgotten, so it must not be too bad.”
“I can see how you forgot,” I teased sarcastically. “It’s not like we haven’t had anything else to think about.”
“Right?” Her smile spread across her face, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She couldn’t fool me. Although she was acting as if she was in a better mood, something was still bothering her.
The waitress returned with our food, and we dug in but something about this morning had left me seeing more clearly than I had been. Charlotte took her first bites of food, and a pleased grin grew on her face, something about that smile infuriated me.
She has to know I love her.
Didn’t she wonder why I never had a girlfriend? It’s not that I was that smooth and could totally hide this from her. She looked up from her food, her eyes catching mine, and she seemed startled. “Is something wrong with your burger?”
“Nah.” I had been starving ten minutes ago, but now my mind was far too focused to care about food. Before I lost my nerve, I started in a firm voice. “Question for you.”
“What’s that?” She took another bite of her burger patty from her fork, chewing with her eyes steady on mine.
“Did you ever think about . . . you know.” I wanted to ask if she ever thought aboutme, but the word was stuck on the tip of my tongue like it was holding on for dear life, afraid to fall out of my mouth. “E-Er,” I stuttered, my tongue suddenly feeling fat, like a giant puffed marshmallow I couldn’t get a word over.
Charlotte set her fork down, tilting her head. “What are you thinking about?”
I opened my mouth wide, ready to spew my rant about how I had loved her for years. I’d been waiting to be seen, but now I figured out I had wasted my life, but my planet-sized tongue plug barricaded all of that in. I was left staring as if I was caught doing something wrong, but nothing was wrong with my feelings toward Charlotte.
Nothing had ever felt wrong about Charlotte.
