Delete.
With a heavy sigh and new tension built up in my shoulders, I place my phone on the charger and roll face-first into my pillow. He had a nice night with Mallory. That’s wonderful. It’s—as I’ve reminded myself a million times—what I wanted.
So why does it feel like someone is taking a puzzle piece from my life and refusing to give it back, leaving me incomplete for all eternity?
Iawake from fitful sleep at four in the morning to tears running down my face and a Snapchat from Halle.
What is she doing up this early?
She sends a black screen, so I ask her if she wants to video call.
The dream comes back to me in full force, though to be honest, it never left. Knightley standing at the altar of Hartfield Presbyterian Church. Mallory walking down the aisle in a beautiful and expensive white gown that I’d kill for. The congregation applauding, Papa blubbering, and this time, instead of trying to lift his spirits, I’m blubbering right alongside Papa.
My phone rings, and moments later, Halle’s tired face and messy blonde hair fills the screen.
“Have you been crying?” We both say that at the same time, which causes us both to laugh until the sound turns to cries.
After a stuffy sniffle, Halle says, “You go first.”
“I set Knightley up on a date, and he—” I pause for a second, wondering if I should tell Halle. She knows him well, and I don't want her viewing him in an unfavorable light. But then again, Halle is my person, and she’s always been there for me. “He took the woman home. I was waiting on his porch to ask him how the date went, and when he pulled up, she got out of his truck.”
Halle is silent for a moment, on the soft sounds of her continual sniffling. “Tell me, Emma Jane, why does this bother you exactly?”
“Because I’m going to lose him. He’s my friend, Halle.”
“Why do you say you’ll lose him?”
I think for a moment, tucking a strand of loose hair behind my ear, before answering. “Because we won’t get to do game nights together, or watch movies together at his house, or just go on walks together. If he has a woman, then I can’t be with him privately like that for the sake of boundaries. He won’t tell me I’mmoronic for pursuing a new business venture, and I won’t get to sass him back and tell him he’s wrong, only for me to prove him right down the line. I’m not a kid like I was when he married Cami. It’s not the same now. If he commits to Mallory, then I have to step down.” Something is definitely different. I’ve been denying that for a while, but things have shifted between us.
“While I am immensely proud of your insight and wisdom in this manner, I am so sorry you’re hurting, E. J.” Halle’s brown eyes shine with sympathy. We sit in silence for a minute before she speaks again. “Are you upset that you will lose the closeness of your friendship? Or, be honest here, do you wish you were Mallory?”
“Oh, definitely the first." I wave my hand dismissively. “You know I’m never getting married. You know I can’t do that to a man.” She’s the only one who knows, apart from my doctor and Henrietta. Halle has always been a mother figure to me; she’s the one who took me to all the appointments to figure out why my periods weren’t consistent. It all came to a head when I was fifteen and swore my appendix was rapturing.
No, it was giant cysts on my ovaries.
“Knightley isn’t just any man, though. He’s… Knightley.”
“Exactly. He’s Knightley. Thirteen years older than me. Widowed. The mayor of a whole town. I’m like his little sister.” Except for when he flirts with me. Then I feel like I might be something more, but I shove that thought way down into the depths. It’s harmless teasing, nothing more. Even if it feels new and exciting.
“You’re twenty-three, know him better than any other woman out there besides maybe his own mother, are launching your own business, and are more mature than most women I know.You’ve had to be, E. J.” Her tone gives way to the usual you-lost-your-mom-as-a-baby-and-had-to-raise-yourself inflection. I never understood why people took that voice with me but never did with Henrietta. She lost both of her parents for heaven’s sake. Yet, the town doesn’t coddle her like they do me.
I can’t help the laugh that bubbles out.If only she could have seen me in the car last night…
Yeah, reeeeal mature.
“Are you trying to get me to date Knightley? Because if so, I need you to redirect your thoughts. Let me do the matchmaking, Halle. You just enjoy your marital bliss.”
She grins at me. “Someone has to look out for you while you look out for everyone else in your life. Be honest with yourself, Emma Jane.”
I sigh, accidentally dropping the phone. I pick it back up and stare into her brown eyes, setting my jaw. “Fine. He’s wonderfully challenging and smart and handsome, and I think I may be into him. But I can’t do anything about it, Halle. I just matched him with a woman who can be everything I can't be for him.”
“That is a predicament for you. Especially if he liked her. But what if he didn’t?”
I scoff. “He took her home. Of course he liked her.”
“You don’t know why they went back to his place. It could be completely innocent.”
“He said it was, but still. He took her to his place. What am I supposed to do? Tell him I like his stupid face? Tell him that over the past two years, I’ve slowly begun to see him in a different light until it slapped me across the face last night? Tell himthat I love it when he fights with me and puts me in my place and brings me strawberry chocolates when I’m on my period? Tell him I love the way he protects other people and love the way he stays true to his faith through this campaign even though he’s being attacked left and right?”
