He shrugs, shifting his gaze to the white popcorn ceiling. “Maybe it’s not just this church. Maybe it’s church in general. I didn’t go while in college, and I haven’t been to one since settling down in Juniper Grove.”
“What’s keeping you away?”
“Lucy,” Stone sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Can we not talk about this right now?”
His tone is low, defeated, and a tinge frustrated like he’s a bear preparing to swipe. I need to back down. “Of course. Thanks for sharing with me. I’m with you, okay?” Not to mention I’ve only been going to church because Hadley and Grandma Netty expect to see me there. I try to listen to the sermons, but lately, everything is lost on me.
Or maybe I just don’t care to understand.
Brother Johnny stands behind the rectangular pulpit, greeting everyone and making morning announcements. I notice Gracie, with Abram on her hip and Jared by her side, arrives a little late, heading to the front to sit by Gracie’s family. I remember them from the wedding yesterday. The service continues with old hymnals and then an offering. When the message begins, and Brother Johnny begins to speak on purity of heart and mind, my stomach suddenly begins to revolt against breakfast.
“I don’t want to talk to you about purity culture today,” the preacher says, looking over the small, gathered crowd. “Purity, at its core, runs deeper than whether or not you sleep with someone outside of the confines of the marriage bed. Purity is about your heart.”
I swallow and rip my hand from Stone, conviction raining down on me like crashing waves over the dreamland grave I found myself in this morning.
Does Brother Johnny know? Did I make…noises?In my sleep?
Surely not. Lorelei has never told me I’ve talked in my sleep.
I know he wasn’t in the house when Stone laid me down on his bed.
Oh, crap! Are there cameras?!
My breath comes in shorter, quicker spurts as Brother Johnny continues preaching. “God knows we make mistakes. It doesn’t mean you are ruined or used or no longer welcomed in His court.”
The words enter my head but they don’t resonate within my heart.
So many people who call themselves Christian condemn girls like me. Why do you think I’ve had to hide it from my readers? They don’t want to read closed-door romance books written by a tainted woman. I’ve seen firsthand what some readers do to Christian authors who dare to explore the nuances of lust and attraction within their closed-door novels. It’s nasty.
If so many people who claim to love the Lord hold the opinion that women aren’t allowed to make mistakes when it comes to sexuality, then how does God still welcome girls like me? Why wouldHe even want me when He has so many other perfect Christians to choose from?
“Lucy.” Stone’s lowered voice breaks my internal spiraling. I whip my head towards him, and I can see my own crazed disposition reflected in his glass eyes. “Do you want to get out of here?”
“Okay,” I stammer, wishing I could disappear into the frigid air particles around me. He grabs my hand, and we duck out. I don’t look back to see if Brother Johnny is watching. I follow Stone, willingly running away from this swarm of confusing condemnation.
BEAT FOUR
THE HOOK // "GUILTY AS SIN?"
Apoem by Lucy May – July 13th
"BEDROOM GRAVE"
your hades touch
set my body aflame
night after night
as you screamed my name
if lovers of old
could awaken from eternal slumber
we’d be atop the pedestal
where they once were held in wonder
