Or to bop myself right down the hallway where I know he’s sleeping.
When I finish my entry, I throw the journal across the room and clench the bedsheets in my fists. Real life synthesizes with the dream, vivid in my head, making everything so. much. worse. Why is it always the dreams you want to forget that linger upon waking?
God, please!
Stone’s hands running underneath my shirt yesterday…
No. Stop thinking about it!
His lips tracing my jaw, traveling down my neck and…
Jesus, please! Make it go away!
I kick my legs and jump to my feet, determined to find something to occupy my thoughts.Anything.Anything to distract me from the pain pooling in my stomach and the constant ache in my chest that reminds me he saved my life even when I wanted to die.
A gentle knock at my door startles me from the war raging within my head, and Stone’s mother says she has breakfast prepared. I respond with a cheerful thank you and let her know I’ll be down shortly.
I change into the floral maxi sundress I brought to attend Stone’s home church and sit down on my bed, covering my face with my hands. Shame floods my entire being. Outside the guilt over yesterday that I’ve been locking away inside a vault, it’s been months since I’ve had a dream likethat.And the last one wasn’t as vivid as this one. I didn’t know the man who showed up in that dream.
Stone, I know. I learned more than I should have thanks to our slip up yesterday.
That fatal fantasy dream seemed to fill in the gaps of what I didn’t learn.
And he’s just down the hall…
Gah, stop it, Lucy! You made a mistake but you can’t go there anymore.
Picking up my phone from the bedside table, I send a frantic, pleaful text to one woman I know without a doubt will understand me. She’s been my confidant in the past when it has come to my slip ups.
Me:I had a *dream* last night, Hads. A dirty one. And I haven’t told you this, and I’m sorry for that, but I’m kinda dating the guy I dreamed about. And we totally made out and stuff yesterday morning. I think I would have gone all the way had his mom and stepdad not come into the house.
Bubbles pop up immediately, and I wait three grueling minutes for the text to come through.
Hads:Can I call you? You don’t have to talk. I just want to verbally say what I have to say. Text message isn’t cutting it.
I click on her contact and bring the phone to my ear. She answers on the first ring.
“Okay, girlfriend. Listen up. First off, I love you. There is nothing inherently wrong with the dream you had. The desires you are feeling are natural. I know you understand this, but I just wanted to be sure I reminded you. You made out with him. Sounds like it went a little further than it should have, but that doesn’t mean you are now hopeless and can’t recover.
“Secondly, I am praying for you. You, Lorelei, and Braxton were so patient and good to me even when I dissed Christianity. Now, I get to return the favor and pray even more for you than I already have been. It’s hard to believe He is there and working even in the midst of your dark thoughts and sins, but He is. Believe me, I know. I can look back and see His hand in my dark times. Especially that blackout summer of mine.
“Thirdly, if you mess up again or end up going all the way, you are still very much loved. The way the Lord loves you, the way I love you, the way your sister loves you, the way your parents love you… It’s not diminished or taken away by a mistake. Do you understand me?”
I sniffle, trying to collect my bearings. Tears flow freely down my face as I clutch my free hand over my mouth to stifle my cries. Snotleaks out of my nose and onto my hand. I can’t formulate words, nor do I want to try and respond appropriately on the premise someone hears me, so all I say is, “I understand. I love you, Hadley. So much.”
I know she loves me. And my family and sister. I know God says He loves me, but honestly, I’ve doubted that lately. I try not to let the doubts win out, but it’s hard when it’s so loud and I feel so…empty.At least I finally felt alive again as Stone touched me.
“Ditto. Now dry yourself up, listen to some worship music, and steer clear of Taylor Swift for a while, okay? Oh! Or you can turn on some Dolly. That’s what I would do. Will you be at church today?”
I laugh at her Taylor suggestion, but I can’t deny it’s true. “As much as you love Dolly Parton, I’ll try the worship music. Actually, I’m in Dasher Valley with my boyfriend. I’ll be going to church here today.”
“Oh.” I hear the shock in her voice. “So, who is this boyfriend of yours that you’re all the way down in Dasher Valley?”
My insides twist like strings being pulled into knots over and over again. “Stone,” I breathe out after a moment. There’s no way I’m telling her this is fake and that I’m getting all hot and bothered over a pretend relationship.That I let him touch me like that when it’s all fake.
“I see,” is all she says. “Have you told Lorelei? Karoline?”
“Not yet.” I sigh and plop onto the bed, wiping away excess tears. “Please don’t tell my sister. I will eventually. I just need some time to figure things out first.”Time to go ahead and end it before I even need to tell them, that is.
