“I know,” Lauren whispered.
“What happens now, Lo?” Demi asked.
He sat tilted back in the chair; legs open wide, handsome, and solemn as folded hands rested on his abdomen. Stress was his most consistent accessory these days.
“You’re looking to me for answers?” she scoffed. “I don’t know, Demi. How am I supposed to know what comes next? So muchof my identity was tied to being a wife and mom, then, out of nowhere, I am neither of those things anymore. What am I going to do?”
“You’re going to live, Lo. We’re going to live. I don’t know how, but we have to.”
“That’s easy for you to say, Demi. You have something to live for. You have a life and a home, and you have a child. I have nothing.”
“You’ve got me,” Demi answered swiftly.
“Oh, Demi,” she whispered in exasperation. She shook her head, eyes watering. “You’re so dependable. You’re so present. So accommodating. You’ve wiped my tears this past week. You’ve held me. You’ve wiped the snot from my nose. You’ve ignored every single instinct that makes you want to disconnect. You were warm with me. You coddled me. If you could have been that way when we were married, we would still be married.”
“I thought I was a good husband, Lo. I gave what I thought you needed.”
“You provided and protected, but you didn’t let me in, Demi. You were hard with the world, and then you came home and remained hard with me. You weren’t a bad husband. I would be lying if I said that. You were great in so many ways. You just never softened. You weren’t intimate with me. And at first, I thought it was because you just couldn’t be that way. You and your OCD and your issues, I just thought you weren’t capable of intimacy, but now you’re intimate with someone else. Now you’re having a baby with another woman, and our baby is gone. Do you know how resentful that makes me?”
“It’s the same resentment that put the blade in DJ’s hand,” Demi huffed. It took everything in him to admit that. “And because of that, I’ll never forgive myself. I know I can’t make it right, but what can I do? What do you need me to do?”
“I don’t know!” she feigned. “Don’t you think if I knew, I would tell you? A part of me wants my lick back. A part of me wants to tell you to come home because I can’t let my old life go completely. I can’t be alone in this pain. I’m terrified for this to close the chapter on us. We have no connection, no reason to continue to be in one another’s lives. And I really want Charlie to feel what it’s like to have another woman take what you think is yours. But the other part of me knows that we have to let go. The familiarity is a crutch. It’s a fake comfort, and eventually, the resentment I have towards you will destroy us anyway. Would you leave her if I asked you to?”
Demi sighed.
“I will stay here if you need me to stay, Lo. I’ll protect you. I’ll take care of you. You ain’t got to lift a finger, but I can’t ever leave her. I know she triggers something in you, and I understand why you couldn’t have her at the funeral, but Charlie is important to me, Lo. And I’m not saying this to hurt you. I don’t want to cause no more hurt. I’ve done enough. I’m indebted to you, and I’ll give you everything I got, but I need you to be tolerant of her. I won’t flaunt her. I won’t rub her in your face. I want to be here. You’re my family. I don’t want us to end with our son in the ground…”
“It sounds like you’re asking me to let you have your side chick in peace,” Lauren said in disbelief.
“Don’t call her that, man,” Demi replied. It felt like such a reduction of Charlie’s value for her to even be thought of as a side anything. Even when it was true, she had been so much more to him. He didn’t know what the fuck he was asking. He was grasping at straws, trying to be everything for everybody. He was responsible for Lauren, and he had a fiancé at home. He didn’t want to lose either. He had taken Lauren for granted even after their divorce. He hadn’t known how much he cared for her until they lost their son. They had too many years in each other’slives to not know each other for the rest. He felt it in his bones that he didn’t want that. He didn’t want DJ’s mother erased altogether.
“That’s what she is. You can put a ring on her finger. You can put a baby in her stomach, and she’ll still be the woman who slept with my husband. I’ll still blame her.”
“Blame me,” Demi countered. “I’m to blame, but now she’s here, and she’s pregnant, Lo.”
“You should leave, Demi,” Lauren interrupted. It was hard for her to hear him profess such devotion to a woman he hadn’t even made vows to. Where was this devotion with her?
“Lau-”
“Demi, get out of my house!” Lauren shouted.
Demi didn’t move. He couldn’t move. He wanted to commit her face to memory, just in case Lauren walked out of his life for good. The fact that he wasn’t motivated to leave infuriated Lauren.
“There is no being family with me and keeping your life intact with her. You can’t be that self-centered!” She exclaimed. “Life doesn’t work that way, Demi! You don’t get to be in two places at once. There is nothing here with me at all if she’s a factor. I loved you, and I would be lying if I said this past week didn’t make me miss what we had. I was loyal to you. I did everything for you for fifteen years, and you betrayed me. You gave the best of you to that girl, and my son felt that shit. He felt it every time he walked into your office, and it was empty. He felt it every time he called, and you didn’t answer. He felt it every time he had to pack his shit up and go to a weird house with your weird-ass bitch. You’re the reason he’s gone, and now you’re still asking me to make room for her? Fuck her! Fuck you,” she cried, shaking her head. “We are done. We are dead. This entire family is destroyed because of you.”
Her words were bullets because he owned what she was accusing him of. He had spent plenty of nights feeling the burden of the home he had broken. He had wanted full custody and had even gone as far as to file for it, but he eventually withdrew because he couldn’t see himself taking DJ from Lo. She was too good of a mother. They just hadn’t been able to see eye to eye over the little things. Visitation and scheduling were a nightmare because DJ never wanted to visit. He wanted Demi to come home. His son hadn’t taken the divorce well at all. All he knew was a world where his parents lived under one roof. The separate homes had taken their toll, and Demi had noticed. He had tried to overcompensate with things, with money, but it never made up for his presence, and in the end, it had cost him greatly. He stood and squeezed the bridge of his nose as he stared silently at Lauren. He nodded as he convinced himself to take steps toward the door. It took everything in him to walk out. He felt his disconnection from Lauren as soon as she slammed the door. There would be no more grieving together, no more leaning on one another for support. He had to process this alone, and for the first time in his adult life, he was terrified.
The smoky club was filled. It didn’t surprise her. As she squeezed her body through the standing-room-only juke joint, she felt an immediate healing. She hadn’t attended in a while, and it was still the same. That was the beauty of low-key spots like this one. The audience changed nightly, but everything else seemed to be frozen in time, recreating a vibe of 90s R&B that just made you feel good inside. It was the nostalgia of the music that lit a small fire in her broken heart. She appreciated it as soon as the notes from the piano keys hit her. The live band was legendary around town. They had been packing out thisvery spot for years, and Charlie had been lucky to fill in for the backup singers on more than one occasion. She wasn’t even sure how she ended up back here. She had gone home after the funeral, hoping that Demi would come immediately afterward, but he hadn’t. She sat in that empty house, crying all day, until the walls started to feel like they were closing in. She didn’t even know what made her come here, but she was glad she had. Music brought her peace, and in the middle of this storm, she needed a little sunlight.
She found a random seat near the corner of the stage, and she sat.
Her heart seized when she recognized Justin on the stage, playing with the band. She didn’t even need to see him. She’d recognize his playing anywhere. He was a musician through and through. He could play the drums, piano, and guitar. Tonight, his fingers strummed the bass guitar with expertise, and it may as well have been calling her name through the strings. A slight panic pulsed through her body because she knew Demi would have a fit if he saw Justin even staring her way. They hadn’t seen one another since the fated night when Demi and Justin had fought. She was almost sure Justin hated her after that, but the smile he gave her when he saw her face told her there were no hard feelings. After what he had endured because of her, she had expected him to harbor a grudge. Still, she felt like she was betraying Demi just by being in Justin’s space. It was a slippery slope that Charlie would rather not be caught on. They had indeed slept together while she and Demi were together, and Demi had every right to dislike that man. She felt conflicted being in his presence while Demi was off burying his son. It felt like the makings of bad decisions to come.
The cover of Anita Baker was played so expertly that Charlie felt her soul stir. Her eyes watered, and Charlie took a napkin, dabbing the emotion away. Her hormones were all over theplace. Up was down and left was right. She was so overwhelmed that she almost couldn’t process who was right and who was wrong. The sensitivity of death clouded her judgment, and everyone in the world seemed to be against her. This singer, crooning about apologies, felt appropriate. The band went into a medley of 90’s R&B, and Charlie’s head fell into an effortless nod. Justin walked off the stage while playing his solo, and the women in the crowd stood out of their seats. It truly was an erotic scene to witness. His Kravitz-esque essence was real. Leather jacket and designer jeans were balanced out with Timberland boots. His talent couldn’t be denied. His fingers on those strings were legendary. She hoped he wouldn’t come to her. He could go to anyone but her, but sure enough, he brought his solo over to her obscure table. All eyes were on her as he played in front of her, showing out in a way that only a virtuoso could pull off. Waterfalls by TLC. She recognized it instantly.
“Oh, what a treat!” the lead singer called out in shock. “We have Charlie Woods in the building, ladies and gentlemen.” The announcement put her on blast. “Somebody give my girl a mic.”
She shook her head to decline but gave a gracious smile as the crowd clapped.
