My God,she thought dismally.
Stassi was so full of their woe that her vision blurred. Stassi, Day, and Nyair were the only witnesses to this farewell, and even that felt intrusive.
The way Lauren held onto that man. The words that they couldn’t hear that were being whispered in his ear and the way he buried his shame in the shadows of her neck. This couple shared this child, and this child was made from love. This loss was being handled with love, and if Stassi didn’t know their situation, she would swear she was witnessing a dutiful husband and his beautiful wife. She may even envy it if she didn’t know any better.
Stassi heard the door to the sanctuary open, and when she turned to see Charlie, her stomach plummeted. Demi and Lauren were so engrossed they never heard the interruption. The sight of them so intricately engaged with one another froze Charlie. When Demi finally pulled away from Lauren, he cleared his face, swiping a large hand to erase the evidence of this breakdown.
Charlie stood like a deer in headlights until he finally looked her way. Stassi knew this was bad. She just didn’t know how to stop it. Stun was written all over Demi’s face when he realized Charlie was present.
“She needs to leave,” Lauren said in a low, monotonous tone.
“Lo…” Demi protested.
“Lauren, please,” Charlie said as she made her way halfway up the aisle. “I just want to pay my respects. I’m so sorry. Lauren, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.”
“The woman who disrespected my marriage now wants to pay respect. You’re respectable now? It took me to lose my son for you to show me some fucking respect?” If looks could kill, Charlie would be eulogized next. Lauren was so full of resentment, so maxed out on sorrow, that she couldn’t receive anything from Charlie. She didn’t want anything from Charlie. She would rather die than be the recipient of Charlie’s condolences. “I won’t ease your guilt for you. You want to be here? You were never supposed to be here! If you weren’t here, my baby would still be here! And you march in here pregnant on the day I’m putting my son in a hole in the ground! You audacious, mindless, thoughtless, selfish, childish bitch!”
“Lauren!” Demi’s voice boomed through the church, disrupting whatever peace they had come to terms with just moments ago. “That’s enough, man,” Demi stated as he hooked his finger around the tie that was choking him.
“It’ll never be enough,” Lauren sneered as she turned and made her way back to the front of the church.
Demi went to Charlie, who stood shell-shocked. She was covered in the filth that Lauren’s words had left behind. They weren’t untrue, and that’s what had hurt her most.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered to Demi, crying.
“It’s okay,” he said as he cradled her face in his large hands. He pressed his forehead to hers. The connection gave him a slightrefill, like he was a dead car battery and she had given him a boost.
“Go home, Bird. You shouldn’t have come,” he whispered.
“Demi-”
He swiped away her tears with his thumb. She needed him. He knew it. She wanted to be here so badly, but he couldn’t be her strength right now. Her presence made this loss more painful for Lauren, and he couldn’t ignore or override that fact. He motioned for Stassi, and Stassi stepped up to intervene. “Charlie, you can’t stay,” Stassi whispered softly. “And he can’t leave right now. This is the last time they get to see DJ. This isn’t the time or place, Charlie. You can’t be here for this part. Come on, sis. You have to go.”
Demi loved this girl, but he couldn’t access that chamber of his soul, not today. He could see the look in her eyes, and he was trying to muster up any other feeling than this despair he was feeling, but he couldn’t. She was pleading with him, silently beseeching him with her eyes to save him, or at least to join her in Charliezonia, but Demi was too injured to take one step in her direction. She was falling down a rabbit hole of impossibility. She was worried about the wrong things, concerned about losing him, when in his mind, it would never happen. He was lost right now, but Charlie was like the North Star. He knew how to find his way back to her; he just needed to be able to carry her when he returned. Right now, he couldn’t carry himself. The battle was lost against the emotions that came with telling DJ farewell. Stassi pulled Charlie toward the exit as Demi made his way back to Lauren’s side. Stassi got Charlie all the way to the parking lot before Charlie broke down. She was hysterical, and Stassi couldn’t say she blamed her. It was a fucked-up situation for everyone involved, where no right or wrong existed. Stassi felt guilty for being able to attend the funeral when Charlie was banned, but at the same time, she understood whyshe symbolized pain. It was unfair, but it was understandable. Human emotion couldn’t be measured against morality at this moment. Not when the death of a child was concerned, and unfortunately, Charlie was an easy target to blame. She didn’t belong here. She was an outsider, and Lauren had all the power.
The fact that Demi hadn’t protected Charlie made Charlie feel worthless. They lived together. She had let him inside her heart, mind, and soul. He was growing in her body at this very moment. Charlie felt like she should be able to enter any room at his side, but he didn’t even try to make room for her. Lauren’s word was bond. She felt like trash, like he had used her up and set her out on the curb. Men had hurt her in the past, but never had it cut so deeply. This was an emotional lashing like no other. She admired Demi. She loved him. She would do anything for him. Shewasdoing anything for him because having a baby was a gift he had begged her for. He couldn’t even carve out a seat beside him for her. Charlie had never felt more alone. Even when they first met, and he was married, she hadn’t felt this secluded. It was like he was hiding her to tap back into his life with Lauren. The ring on Charlie’s finger didn’t hold significance at all if it only held weight between the walls of their home. Charlie’s world was shaken. Every decision Charlie had made since meeting him, she now questioned. She had given up her independence. She had cut Justin off, who had been a good friend at one time. She had distanced herself from her disapproving father. All because she was placing her chips on Demi. She was betting on love. This was a slap in the face, and Charlie wasn’t sure how they could ever find their way back to a good place after this. It seemed that love no longer mattered.
Demi felt like the world was sitting on his shoulders as he walked back toward his son. He was worried about Charlie, but his capacity to do anything about it was limited. He walked to the casket, leaned down over his child, and kissed the top of his head.
“I’ma miss you, big dawg,” he said. “Daddy loves you, man. Daddy loves you so much. I’m sorry for everything. I’m so sorry. It’s me and you, forever, baby boy. These your eyes now, man. Everything I see, everything I do, is in honor of you. I wish you could be with me. Don’t be mad at your old man, but I can’t do this crowd. I can’t share this pain with these people. I’ma come see you when they’re all gone. Look over me, DJ. Watch over your mama, too.”
Eyes flooded and burning, Demi couldn’t take anymore. He couldn’t sit and listen to the sermons; he couldn’t bear to hear the sad songs. He couldn’t greet the people who had come from near and far. He wanted no parts of any of it. None of it would make it better. It was all for show. He stood upright and walked out of the side door of the church. He was done.
“Yo, Demi!”
Day’s voice followed him as he stepped out into the cold air.
Demi wished Day hadn’t followed him. He just wanted the privacy to cry in peace for a little while. He hadn’t been granted that since he found out about his son. He wiped both hands down his face and sniffed away his emotions before turning to face his friend.
“Don’t leave her side, Day. Whatever she needs. I just can’t be in there.”
“I know you need to get to Charlie but leaving don’t feel like the best idea. I don’t know if anybody is worth missing this,” Day said.
“I can’t be there either,” Demi admitted. “When you lose your kid, being here when they ain’t just don’t feel right. I don’t knowwhere I belong. I don’t even know how I’m standing. My son is about to be put under the dirt. Do it even matter where I am after this? Who am I without that little boy, bruh?”
Day couldn’t comfort Demi. God couldn’t even do that. There were no reassurances to make because no matter how many people told him it would be okay, Demi knew it would not. He just wanted to go somewhere and fire up. To be alone with a blunt and his woes was his only option.
“A’ight, get up out of here. Clear your mind. Feel what you keep trying to stop yourself from feeling cuz I know you ain’t gon’ do it in there with all them eyes on you. But don’t do nothing stupid, my nigga. I don’t know what losing a kid feels like, but I imagine it make you feel like leaving this here shit behind. Lauren can’t lose nobody else, and you’re still responsible for another kid. One foot in front of the other.”
