“I’ll see what I can find out.”
Nyair wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t heard from Lauren, and as much as he wanted to not be involved, his concernwouldn’t allow it. He was certain that she was surrounded by support, but he was also certain that none of it helped her. To help a woman like Lauren, you first had to earn her trust, and after everything Lauren had been through, she trusted no one, not even God. He knew she needed guidance. This type of loss required prayer warriors far superior to him. Nyair was flawed, and the more Lauren crossed his mind, the farther down the rabbit hole he slipped. Nyair had lived life at the highest limit. His days in the NFL were filled with luxury and a world of people who never uttered the word no. The league was made up of overindulgence, and Nyair had become accustomed to living by a different set of rules. Everything was fair game. Drugs, alcohol, money. It was a normal day to bump a line of cocaine after a win and get fucked up until the wee hours of the morning. Nyair had witnessed it all. He had participated in it all, and it had almost killed him. The women, the drugs, the money. It was a lot of false idols in the land of the rich and famous. He had been worshipped, and his fall from grace had been a long one. Lauren felt like the precursor to relapse because he had worked hard to find discipline and restore his self-control, but the only thing that controlled him when he was around her was an overwhelming urge to be inside her. Lauren, with her difficult nature, challenged his, and he was a man who enjoyed a good hunt. He was trying his hardest to not complicate his life further, and after the death of DJ, Lauren was anything but simple. Hell, even before this had happened, he had some reservations, but now, they were both damaged. What else could they do besides destroy one another? Yet here he was, preoccupied with a heavy soul over her suffering. The mere thought of her grief bothered him. He wanted to call, but he had deleted the number. Checks and balances. He didn’t wantit to be easy to slip back into her life, but he hadn’t anticipated how hard it would be to stay out of it.
He wasn’t surprised by her disconnection. He hadn’t expected to be someone she would call on during this time. Apparently, they were on the same page. They both were trying to scrub their connection out of their memory. What they had done had led to something unchangeable, something unforgivable, and facing one another after that meant being accountable for their irresponsibility. It meant admitting that it had been wrong, that they had hurt people, specifically Little DJ. He imagined it was harder for her to face that fact than for him, and it felt unfair that she was being judged solely, without him there to take half the blame.
“Mommy, this hurts so bad,” Lauren whispered as she lay in DJ’s bed, hugging his pillow. Lauren inhaled her son’s scent on the duvet. She prayed the smell never faded.
“I know it does, baby,” Lillian said as she stroked Lauren’s hair. “We’ve got to get out of this bed, though. There are people here. There are many plans to make.”
“Make them go away,” Lauren protested. “I never knew how much of a show someone is expected to put on after they lose someone. Who’s here?”
“Your cousins. Your aunt, your uncles. Nona and Papa are on their way,” Lillian informed.
“I haven’t spoken to any of them in years. What are they supposed to do for me now?” Lauren was unapologetic. “They just want to see me fall apart. I’m a train wreck, Ma.”
“They want to love you. No matter how long it’s been, they’re your family,” Lillian whispered. “And I know you want to give up, but we’re not doing that, baby.”
“I don’t have anybody else! Other women get through this because they have other children to take care of. They have other little babies to live for, so they can’t give up even if they lose one. He was my everything. It was only him. I have nothing. I am nothing anymore!” Lauren wailed, breaking down and squeezing her eyes tight as the ugliest sounds of woe filled the room.
“You got me.”
Lauren and Lillian turned to the door to find Demi. His red eyes revealed he had found a moment to himself to cry, and for some reason, his sadness made hers feel appropriate.
“Demi, why don’t you just get out of here? You’ve done enough!” Lillian stated. “She needs a minute!”
“Mommy, stop,” Lauren intervened. She sat up on the bed, Indian style, and Demi walked over to her.
“I know, Lo,” Demi said, and just from the tone of his voice, she knew that he knew exactly what she was going through. Lauren sobbed as Demi reached for her like she was a child, picking her up underneath her arms and hugging her snugly to his body.
“Shh. I’m sorry, Lo. We can do whatever you want to do. Whatever you need. You hear me? If you want to cremate him, that’s what we’ll do.” Lillian stood to leave to give them privacy. The moment felt too fragile to witness, and Lauren was grateful for her exit.
Lauren nodded against his shoulder, finding so much comfort in his presence. Demi hadn’t held her like this in years, maybe not ever. “I don’t want to fight anymore.” It was a truce. No matter how brief. They needed it to be able to trudge forward.
“Say, man,” he muttered as he sighed in relief while squeezing her tighter. Fighting Lauren while fighting the devil was hell on earth. He was grateful for whatever had allowed her to extend him this grace.
“I’ll be out front with your guests,” Lillian said, her judgmental eyes full of disdain for her son-in-law. Demi put Lauren down. She shook her head as she took a seat on the bed.
“I’m so mad at you, Demi, but it’s like ever since the doctors told me DJ was gone, I can’t even feel it anymore. I can’t feel how mad I am at you, so when I see you, I just forget that you aren’t a safe space for me to run to. You’re the most dangerous space.”
“We did a lot of shit wrong, Lo. And really, that ain’t even fair. I did a lot of shit wrong. The one thing you and I got right, though, was that little boy. You can always cash that check at the bank. I don’t give a damn what life takes us through, how many times you scream fuck me, how many fights we have…because you gave me him, I will always be here if you need me. I know I fucked up, but that has never changed in my mind. You’re important in my life, Lauren. I can’t see a day when you won’t be. Especially now.”
Lauren leaned her head onto his shoulder, and he placed his large, tattooed hand on her knee.
“We can cremate him,” Demi whispered. His voice hitched, and Lauren knew he was only agreeing to this for her. “I know you need him with you.”
“Thank you, Demi.”
“You ready to go out here?” he asked.
“No, but they’re not going anywhere so…”
Lauren shrugged, and Demi stood, grabbing her hand and leading her out of the room.
As they entered the room, everyone’s chatter dulled to silence. All eyes panned to them. She felt their pity. She gripped Demi’s hand tighter. The way he held her back told her he needed her just as much. Demi wasn’t a hand holder. He despised it, in fact. He was OCD in nature and would offer her a clothed elbow before he would ever touch his fingers to hers, but today, his grip was Vise tight. She looked at him in wonderas thoughts of how much distance had existed between them in their marriage made her eyes mist. Something this simple as the holding of hands was foreign to her. How damaged they had been. She couldn’t help but think that damage had leaked onto their son. Perhaps DJ’s pain had come along before the divorce ever happened.Did he see love when he looked at us?Lauren thought.
Day entered the home, and Lauren’s entire body stiffened when she saw Stassi walk in behind him.
Day pulled Stassi through the crowded living room until the couples were face to face.
