I didn’t know what the fuck I’d done, but I knew I’d done something. You could only shut Brock up when there was an imminent threat or he was royally pissed off. Any other time, he chattered like a magpie. Since I knew there wasn’t a threat, I knew he was pissed.
“You’re a fucking asshole. Do you realize that?” he asked without looking at me.
“Yeah. I’m aware. What made me an asshole today?” I asked.
Brock sighed and cut the engine, resting his palms on the console in front of him. “I’m trying, Adam. I’m trying so damn hard, but then you say shit like you did earlier, or we end up fucking; it brings it all rushing back, dropping me in the land of hopes and dreams.”
“Oh,” I said.
What else could I fucking say? Four years ago, I’d had hopes and dreams, too. Fuck. I still did, but I didn’t see a way out of the mess we were in.
Brock shoved his hands through his hair, pulling at the strands. He walked to the boat’s bow and looked out over the water. His shoulders were hunched in, and his arms crossed over his chest.
I wanted to ask what I could do, but feared what he would ask for.
I cannot lose him.
Brock was all I had outside my grandparents and the teams. He was so entrenched in my life that I didn’t think excising him at this point would be possible. Whenever I spoke to Granny and Gramps, they asked about him. They were the only people who knew I was gay—the only people who knew my hopes and dreams.
Realizing what a selfish motherfucker I was, I walked up behind him.
“What do you need from me?” I asked, nearly gagging on the words as they came out of my mouth.
“Everything I cannot have and you refuse to give,” Brock whispered hoarsely.
I put my hands on his waist and turned him toward me. He resisted for a moment, but huffed and complied.
I could see the emotion on his face.
“If you could have whatever you wanted, what would it be?” I asked.
Brock’s face hardened as tears filled his eyes. “Do you really need to ask that?”
I smiled remorsefully. “No. I don’t really have to ask that. Just wanted to know if things had changed for you?”
Brock’s hands came up to cup my face. When we’d first started hooking up, I had thought I’d hate being smaller than him, but I secretly loved it.
Secretly.
I hummed. Everything with us was a fucking secret. Secret feelings, secret relationship, secret breakup, secret hookups, and now what looked like another secret breakup. I fucking hated secrets, but it was that or nothing.
Brock brushed his thumbs against my cheeks. “No. Nothing has changed for me. I still love you. I still want to spend my life with you.”
I stared up at him, gazing into his beautiful blue eyes. I nodded, but my jaw locked down and I said nothing. What good would admitting how I felt do, other than making us both a couple of miserable fucks?
I’d always been able to set a goal and meet it. I wanted to join the Navy. I did it. I wanted to be a SEAL. I did it. I wanted to be a Tier One operator. I did that too.
I wanted Brock.
I wanted a life with him.
Two goals. Two problems that were bigger than me. Bigger than us.
We were right back where we started four years ago: two of the unluckiest bastards in Uncle Sam’s Navy.
Brock leaned in and kissed me. Our lips brushed together solemnly. I knew what was coming. I knew it as sure as I knew my damn name.
Brock shoved me down onto the sunbed and climbed on top of me. He devoured my mouth as I brushed tears from his eyes. Wanting him closer, I pulled him to me. We wrapped ourselves around each other, getting as close as possible. We took our time, slowly consuming one another.
