I was a broken-down, washed-out Marine with a disability pension. I didn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. They deserved the best of everything that hadn’t ever been me.
The patio door and footsteps sounded behind me, and I swore as a soft breeze alerted me to the tears of anger, frustration, and worthlessness that fell without permission on my face.
“Go back inside, Declan.”
“Not Declan.”
“Fuck…”
The Colonel was the last person I wanted to see me lose my shit. The man was a legend in the Raiders. He took care of his family. Provided for them in a way I’d never be able to.
I scrubbed my hands over my face, hoping to disguise my tears, dashing the self-hatred from my face. I shoved my hands into my hair and stalked away from Walker. I wasn’t in the mood for pep talks.
“Thank you for staying.”
My brow pinched at his words. Why the fuck was he thanking me for doing the job I’d been hired to do?
“I know it’s your job, and from all accounts you’re an honorable man, one I’m proud to claim as family, but like any family man who’s been a service member knows doing your job when your family needs you makes you feel like you’re being drawn and quartered.”
“You know someone drawn and quartered who survived to make that comparison?”
“Point.”
I laughed ruefully. “At this juncture, I think I’d take having my guts scraped out over this.”
“I know the feeling. Livvy and Jackson were born early, and then Jackson tried to up and die on us. He hadn’t made it out of the woods before I got spun up. If I couldn’t keep my baby safe, how was I going to lead my men into battle and make sure they made it home in one piece? I had a gunny tell me to pull my head outta my ass and suck it up. That Lillian was a capable woman and could handle her shit and mine, too.”
“But I’m not active duty, and this is completely different.”
“You telling me you don’t feel the same sense of duty and honor to this job as you did the missions you went out on as a Marine?”
I stared at him. He knew what buttons to push. Like every other fucking officer and senior NCO I’d ever met. When I didn’t respond, he did.
“If you don’t, let me know and I’ll shut down talks with Lucia about y’all becoming a subsidiary of Holt, then release you from the contract you signed.”
“That won’t be necessary. I couldn’t walk away if I wanted.”
“I didn’t think so.” He took a drink of his coffee. “I hate that Liam found this house before I did. I love how tranquil it is here.”
“I do as well. It’s the exact opposite of being at sea, but I get the same feeling standing out here first thing in the morning that I did when I stood on the weather deck.”
“Finally, someone who knows what I’m talking about. Even with the smell of the boat and the fumes from the jet fuel and diesel and all the other shit that stunk to high heaven, you could smell the ocean and the sun. At night, it was just the moon and the sounds of the water hitting the hull.”
“I’d drink to that, well, I would if I had a drink.”
He laughed but turned somber before giving the house the side-eye.
“If you’re about to tell me something you think I should know, don’t. It’s not your place, but just so you know, I know. He told me.”
He nodded, and when he looked at me, his eyes were glassy. “Good. I love him like a brother. My old man and I butted heads, but I love his dad. He and the ranch were my solace, which meant I watched Declan grow up. I only want what’s best for him.”
I scoffed, unable to keep my self-loathing to myself. “Then you should tell him to divorce my broke ass.”
“Sergeant, there’s something you need to learn about us Holts in general, but the men in particular.”
“What’s that?”
“When we fall, we fall hard, fast, and there ain’t no shaking us. He loves you. He’d walk through the fires of hell for you and if you’d get your damn head out of your ass you’d realize he doesn’t care how much money you have or don’t. He doesn’t care if you’re a king or the lowest-ranked Marine there is. He doesn’t care if you live in a mansion, a penthouse, or a rundown shack. All he cares about is you. You’re his other half. The other half of his heart. The other half of his soul. You’re worried about providing him the life he deserves, same with the girl?”
