“What are you talking about?”
“The doctor had been in to see me right before we argued.”
“And…” he growled in frustration.
“He told me I wouldn’t be returning to my unit. That I faced a medical discharge.”
“Hayden…”
“I’m not finished.”
The words came out harsh. Not my intention, but the subject still embarrassed me. Any time I thought of it, I felt like less of a man. It was why, even after Declan and I reconnected in Vegas and I knew things functioned, I pushed him away. I didn’t want him to know I struggled to get hard and stay that way. Last year, when Declan and I spent that night together and I didn’t have any issues, I was elated. I lay awake all night holding him, thanking God and all the other higher powers I knew for giving me back the man I loved and my ability to function as a man.
But then morning came.
And I woke up soft.
Never once in all my adult life had I woken up soft, not until the accident. Not unless I was on a mission, and even then, I’d wake up sporting a semi.
Not that morning in Vegas.
That morning I woke up and… nothing. I couldn’t even coax myself to get a little interested. There I was, lying next to the hottest man I ever laid eyes on, who never failed to have me hard enough to pound nails, and I was softer than soft and nothing could get a rise out of me.
“Hayden…”
“The doctors told me it may come back, and it may not. They told me if it did, it may or may not be what I was used to.”
“The doctors told you what may or may not come back?”
My throat closed, and heat flooded my face and body. My hand drifted over my dick subconsciously. His brow furrowed, his eyes dropping to my hand before returning to my face.
Clearing my throat, I said, “I’d been feeling numb and tingly in my legs. I mentioned it to the doctor when you weren’t around. They took me for scans and that’s when they found I’d broken my back.”
“What the fuck?”
“Lemme get through this, vato. Okay? Then you can ask questions.”
His eyes burned with questions, but he nodded as he threaded his fingers with mine. That small measure of comfort nearly broke me.
“I had compression fractures in my spine. According to the reports, I hit the water feet first after I’d smacked the side of… well, that’s still classified, but the head injury was the least of my worries. The swelling in my back was substantial and put pressure on, well, all the nerves leading from my spine down my legs. That day…”
I closed my eyes as the worry, pain, utter helplessness, and despair I felt that day washed over me yet again. When I opened my eyes after making sure I wasn’t going to fall apart, Declan’s eyes met mine. He set his coffee mug on the table behind the sofa. Warmth from where he’d been holding the hot coffee enveloped the back of my neck as he pulled me toward him. His forehead rested against mine.
“Tell me, Papi.”
“That day… That day, the doctor came in and told me I wouldn’t be going back to my unit. The medical discharge was because the compression fractures were so severe that even with extensive rehab, I might never walk without assistance. When I realized he was saying I’d be most likely partially paralyzed for the rest of my life, I asked about sexual function. He told me itshouldreturn, but it might not, and if it did, it might not be the same. Then he used the wordcreative. His actual words were ‘Recovering function sexuallyshouldhappen, but it will take time, and may require some… creative thinking.’ Had my body been what it was… what I was used to being… I would’ve ended up in the brig because I’d have choked the motherfucker. I think he knew it too because he kept his distance, unlike the other times he’d come into the room to talk.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? Things weren’t great between us, but we were navigating through the minefield pretty damn well.”
I scoffed. “Yeah, that’s what I wanted. You to stay with me out of pity or obligation when there would be no way for us… to be together fully.”
“Hayden, I love you. I have from the moment I laid eyes on you. Would it suck, yes, but your worth isn’t based on how hard you get or on what a great lay you are.”
“There’s no fucking way in hell I would ever saddle you with a man who’s not a man at all. You deserve…”
22
DECLAN
