All that’s gone. Accept it.
Tears gather, but I use the washcloth to wipe them away. They’ll do no good. There’s no comfort in crying. Tears just leave your eyes dry and gritty, burning for days. The salt won’t feel good in the cuts and abrasions, either.
I swallow back the emotion and walk out of the bathroom into the bedroom. Emotions have no place in this place or in my new old life. It’s better those get left with behind with Daddy and all the good things he made sure I experienced.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
DRAVEN
Cato’s end o’the line disconnects and I drop into Tavish’s chair, and my head falls forward into my hands, my elbows on my knees.
Emotions swarm with in me and my body goes into overload. My heart rate rushes and slows; my nerves tingle and twitch and my breath alternates between rushing in and out and stopping altogether. The calamity within me finally bursts free, and I slide out o’ the floor, landing on my hands and knees, wailing uncontrollably.
My already exhausted and battered body shakes violently. The rage and agony in me builds and builds until I feel like I’m about to explode. My hands, my poor abused hands that have punched walls and doors, rail on the floor.
“Stop! The boy’s going to need ye in one piece and ye’ve done enough damage as is.”
His words register, and he’s got the right o’ it, but I cannae stop. It’s the only thing keeping me from running out o’ the house and diving into the icy waters after him. My soul has fractured and is on the verge of shattering into a million pieces.
Tavish has been taken. My beautiful, funny, witty, wee brat o’ a boy is gone, and it’s all my fault. I brought him here.I dinnae protect him. I thought he’d be safer here than in that basement. I thought giving him a life away from the Society would be better.
All I did was put him in harm’s way. I basically handed him back over to Samuel and the fuckers who make up the Order o’ Death.
Mack’s big arms wrap around me and he pulls me back into his chest as he sits on the floor, his back braced against the wall. He holds me, whether it’s in protection or in comfort. I dinnae ken. He doesn’t say a word.
Emotions ebb and flow, swelling within me time and again. Tears and sobs give way to screams, which turn back to a flood of sorrow. Through it all, Mack’s there at my back, keeping me safe and giving me a small measure o’ comfort. Comfort I dinnae deserve. Protection I dinnae deserve. I dinnae provide either for Tavish. I left him alone and probably scared. Let them get the drop on me and let them take my boy. Now, Tavish is paying the price.
So, nae, I dinnae deserve any o’ it for myself.
Time and sorrow and regret and all the pain I put myself through trying to get to Tavish takes its toll and the tears and sobs slowly dry up and calm. The shaking subsides, and I’m left with nothing but desolation and anger.
Just like when Simon was taken from me.
Memories o’ the days I spent looking for Simon, living in this house without him, fall in on me like an avalanche. I am already overwhelmed by the emotions of losing Tavish, as they tumble over me until they are so melded with the memories o’ losing Simon that they’re inseparable.
Looking around the room, I see glimpses o’ happy moments, o’ hot, sexy moments with them both. My mind plays tricks on me, and the visions merge into one o’ the three o’ us are together, loving one another the way we were meant to.
I’ve always thought o’ this place as home, even when I was in the orphanage. Living here, building a life here like my parents had, was the dream I had held onto through those years. I’ve tried and now failed to recreate that dream with two men whom I love more than the air I breathe, but life seems determined to rob me o’ any happiness. Mayhap the small folk arenae a myth, after all. Maybe they’ve cursed me and this land and I’m nae meant for happiness. Maybe nae Helvig is
“What did we do to deserve being robbed o’ what could’ve been?” I whisper into the room.
Mack’s chest vibrates against my back with a hmmm in response.
Closing my eyes to shut out the vision teasing me with what I’ll never have, I take a deep, cleansing breath, exhaling it slowly as I scrub my hands over my face. I remove Mack’s arms from around me. Standing, I turn to look at him. He’s dozing softly.
Turning, I take stock of the room. The sun’s come up, and it’s streaming through the windows. In the light of day, the destruction is depressing and overwhelming. I cannae believe I lost control like that.
“It’s a good thing yer internet buddy tried to bust our eardrums. I dinnae ken if I coulda stopped ye on my own.”
His voice startles me a bit, but I dinnae turn to him, only nod. He isnae wrong. The rampage I was on last night is plain to see. The destruction I left behind is everywhere.
“I’m going to check in with Cato, and then I’m taking a shower. I’ll deal with this shit after that,” I say, keeping my head turned from him.
My actions last night werenae something the staff should’ve ever seen. I dinnae want him to think less of me, but how could he nae?
“My Laird?”
I pause, unable to bring myself to look at the man. It’s just beyond my ability at this moment. “Aye?” I ask.
