It was difficult knowing that she had not had a say in most of the events that had transpired during her time there, but even worse knowing that that had been her own fault. She could have taken the offer the duke gave and left, or thrown her family to the wolves the way they had done to her, but instead she sat meekly and did what was expected of her.
But she could change that, she considered. She could change her future no matter what had happened in her past, and return to Somerset and remember everything as a bad dream.
Ophelia would no doubt stop the duke from aiding Jackie’s family financially, but Elizabeth would come to understand eventually, knowing that Jackie could not live a lie, and forgive her after enough time had passed. It was possible, and with the sick ache in Jackie’s stomach she wondered whether she felt unwell because she knew it was the right thing to do. Because, deep down, she knew that it was not what she wanted, or because she hadn’t eaten.
There was a knock at the door. She called for them to enter.
“I know you wished to be left alone,” he father said sheepishly, entering. “But I have been keeping something from you for a while now and I think it is best that you know.”
Jackie braced herself for whatever revelation he was going to drop on her, as she knew it couldn’t be anything good.
“The duke,” he continued, “has paid our debts.”
“Excuse me?”
“In full. He did it days ago. He also has sent a letter to Lord Greene’s family, urging them to reconsider their decision and to allow your sister to marry him. I do not know if it will work,per se, but it is the best he can do without the two of you being married.”
“Why was I not consulted on the matter?”
“He did not want to make you feel as though you had to do anything in return, namely marry him. He refused to force your hand, and I agreed at the time, but I cannot lie to you a second time. A third, if you count my lies about our financial situation.”
Jackie supposed that she should have been surprised by the duke’s actions, but she was not. After all, he had already promised her that he would do so, only he had done it before they decided whether or not they would marry. Perhaps he loved her as much as she did him, meaning she had been presented with the final proof that she needed that he was the man for her, and she had to tell him that.
After she had spoken to someone important, of course.
***
Philip knew he had done the wrong thing in asking Jackie whether or not his appearance bothered her. He knew that she did not care and never had, caring only that it had hurt him. She was not Ophelia, and he scolded himself for thinking otherwise. It was simply an insecurity that had gotten the better of him, and he hoped that he could reconcile with Jackie before it was too late.
He braved dinner, knowing perfectly well that word had spread of his argument with Lucien and likely aware that he was now known as some aggressor, but nobody treated him any differently. Even Elizabeth, who was known to protect her sister, seemed to know better than to have taken Lucien at his word, even if she had heard about it.
Even so, the room felt empty without Jackie there. He missed her and was desperate to see her, to talk to her, but he did not know what he would say even if he did. There were only so many times that he could call himself a fool before she would agree, and thus want nothing more to do with him, and he could not hear her say those words to him. It would have destroyed him, and he could not take such a risk. He did not dare.
After spending a night sleeping for perhaps ten minutes at a time before waking up once more, he gave in and left for the garden. It was dawn, the sun just barely coming up into the sky, but even in the half-light he knew that he was not alone outside, and he knew exactly who it was.
She was speaking, and he did not wish to listen in, but he could not help himself. She was talking to her mother, about everything that had happened, and how she no longer knew what to do. His heart ached, knowing that he loved her so and he had caused her pain. It was the one thing that he swore to himself that he would never do.
He couldn’t stand staring at her, and not doing anything, any longer. He had to do the right thing and tell her exactly how he felt, no more waiting for the perfect moment that was not coming.
“Jackie,” he said gently, stepping out after her. “I wanted to tell you—I wanted to apologize for what I said. It was wrong of me, and I never should have suggested such a horrible thing of you.”
“It is all right, Your Grace.”
“No, it is not. Jackie, I… I love you, and I have done so for some time. I haven’t told you before because I haven’t wanted you to feel pressured into marrying me. I wanted you to decide for yourself, and now I have ruined everything, and I do not know what to do about it besides telling you everything.
We agreed on three months, and in a few weeks those three months will be up, and you shall have to make a decision. I was hoping that you would allow me those few weeks to make things right again, and not leave before then, even though you should know that I wouldn't blame you if you did. It is as they all say, I am a monster.”
There was silence.
He wanted her to speak, but at the same time he did not. If she did not speak, it meant that she hadn’t refused him, and he wanted that to continue for as long as he could. He could not bear the thought of her leaving, not after everything that had happened between them.
“I do not need any more time,” she said suddenly. “For I have already made my decision. I should have made it long ago.”
“And that is?”
“That of course I wish to marry you,” she whispered into the darkness. “Do you truly think that you have been falling in love alone?”
He could have run away to the church with her then and there.
