Olivia started at him open mouthed.
“We have wasted so much time. I don’t want to wait any longer,” he said.
I’ve wasted time. I would have married you long ago…
“I never stopped loving you, Olivia. I don’t know what happened. Perhaps it was my own grief for your brother and sister-in-law.”
That does it. How can he use his own grief at the death of Frederick and Mary to explain why he ended our engagement. He told me at the time, very clearly, that it was due to his mother’s influence and financial uncertainties.
She took a sharp breath and continued with politeness. “My brother was a special person and I know he was a good friend to you.”
“I know I behaved abominably, due to a misguided duty to prioritize the family finances. I was wrong, immature and scared.”
He took her hand in his. “I never stopped loving you.”
He took her hand and kissed it.
For a brief moment Olivia found herself transported back in time. A young Olivia, eager to experience love, believing herself madly in love with her childhood friend took her place.
“I don’t know what to say,” she said stumbling over her words. “I need to think.”
“Say yes,” he cried. “Make me the happiest of men. Let’s make our families happy and plan a life together.”
Looking back on that scene, she had wanted to tell him she would give him an answer soon. She remembered the words started to form. Then something stopped her.
I’m already engaged to another. He may not want me, but today I am betrothed to the Earl of Hatfield. And … I want to be engaged to the earl. It may not work out, but I can’t give up on it yet.
“Jonathan, you are a dear friend. I’ve enjoyed seeing you again this past week, but it is friendship, not love.”
“You used to love me. You will love me again. I know it,” he said urgently.
“I hear what you say, but I know I cannot love you. I realize now that I never did.”
He stared at her, crestfallen.
“After the fire …” she started to say.
He interrupted. “I was wrong then, so very wrong in what I said and did. Please Olivia, give me a second chance.”
“Jonathan,” she removed her hand. “We’re not children anymore. I believe that if you had not broken off our engagement then I would have married you. I’d never have questioned my love for you.”
She looked past him at the dull, grey sky and thought how it reflected her mood perfectly.
“I’d have been wrong and missed out on so much in life. You would have missed out too. I do not believe you feel the kind of love for me which is needed for a long and happy marriage.”
For a split second the look of cold rage which crossed his face made her fearful. She shivered, then told herself that this was her old friend Jonathan and she had imagined it.
“I am convinced that I would not make you happy, and I do not believe we are right for each other,” she added.
“There is someone else?” he asked
Olivia looked at him in exasperation. “Jonathan, it is 3 years since you broke off our engagement…”
He began to speak, but she put up her hand to stop him.
“You may feel differently now, but in effect you jilted me. You humiliated me, in front of all our acquaintances, when you chose to end our engagement.” Scenes of the aftermath of the fire and how he had stayed away when she had needed him most flashed through her mind. The haunting memory of him telling her that he had changed his mind on the day of the funeral, before the bandages on the scars had been removed.
Time had passed and more importantly she now knew what true love felt like. The way it took over your thoughts, the way your body responded when the one you loved came close, and the longing to see them again when you were apart.
