“So we’re just going to gloss over everything I say until you get the answers you want?” I wiped the tears from my face and tried to breathe. “Fine. As soon as Benito left the hospital AMA, they sent me to your house to gather intel on you both. I was supposed to feed them information in exchange for them reopening my parents’ cold case. And the second you and I became involved, I told them to fuck off.”
Would it be enough? Had it ever been enough to be the good girl, to follow all the rules and do what I was told? In the end, what had it earned me?
“And what did they find out about your parents?” he said evenly.
“Nothing. They never told me a fucking thing, except to lie and say they weren’t the intended targets.”
Noah crouched, and I flinched away from the anger and betrayal in his eyes. “You played with an old man’s heart. You played me.”
His words were so quiet that I heard the underlying control. “When I woke up in the hospital,” I began, but I had to stop because my voice trembled so hard. “When I woke up in the hospital and heard someone had bombed your house, I vowed to stop feeding them any information. I hadn't learned anything vital anyway, and I couldn't look your father in the eyes every day and still work to bring him down.”
Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I felt the way it clenched and unclenched. Noah still hadn't answered me, so I didn't know what to think about Lauder’s words. She was desperate to lure me back, to say whatever it took if it meant she won her case. I knew she would gladly destroy my relationship if the outcome was that she got what she wanted.
But he still hadn't denied it.
His voice even deeper than before, he asked, “How can I believe anything you say anymore?”
Raising my head, I shouted, “How can I be in the same room with you when you won’t answer the most basic fucking question about the murder of my parents!”
The derision in his voice was enough to kill me right then and there. “I’m not about to say something you’ll repeat to the fucking FBI.”
“Have you ever had feelings for me, or did you think you could buy my silence with fake words of love? Marry me to shut me up?” It was what Lauder had said, but I didn't believe her at the time. I knew Noah, down to the depths of his soul.
Except I’d been wrong about him, so maybe I didn't know who was telling the truth and who was lying. After all, I was a liar, too. What was real in the game we’d been playing?
Did I prefer the ugly truth to a pretty lie? Fake love over genuine apathy?
My heart wanted to beat out of my chest when he reached out. Very carefully, he traced his fingertips down my jaw before dropping his hand.
“You need to get the fuck out.”
Noah stood, turning his back on me, and I sobbed as I tried to stand on wobbly legs. The more he refused to answer me, the more positive I was that he’d been the one to pull the trigger. It was a simple thing for the innocent to deny, but he wouldn't even do that.
Blinded by my tears, I stumbled for the front door. Grabbing my purse off the console table, I refused to look back as I wrenched open the door and did my best to walk down the hall.
The only thing behind me was a false future.
I’d been a fool to think I could stop working with the feds on paper and that it would be enough to absolve me of my guilt. I’d been a bigger fool to think I could make a life with a mafia don without incurring a bigger heartache than I could learn to deal with.
The drive home was all a blur. For all I knew, I ran every red light and mowed down pedestrians in every crosswalk. The city lights I loved were overcome by the darkness I felt creeping in. And when I unlocked my door and the security alarm went off, I cursed myself for ever letting Noah Costa talk me into sleeping with him.
I turned the alarm off and reset the code, knowing that if either man planned on exacting their revenge, the beeping would never deter them from their task.
Facing my empty apartment, I felt the cold seeping in. Once again, I was a raft set adrift into the vast ocean. Heaven was farther away from me than it had ever been, and I was back to being alone in the world.
Whatever family I thought I was building had always been a farce, only I didn't realize the pretense had been on both sides.
As I climbed under my bedcovers, the memories of that night came back to me with a vengeance: glass exploding, and my mother screaming my name. The awful sickness in my belly as we spun out, flipping until we came to a rest. The terror I felt crouching beside the busted car, seeing the lifeless bodies of my parents.
And there, in the distance, was Noah, holding a gun aimed directly at me. I screamed, and he pulled the trigger. Bullets tore through my torso, jerking my body back each time until I fell tothe asphalt. When I blinked up at the starry sky, Noah loomed over me, holding the gun to my head and firing one more time.
The world went black.
When I woke up, it was from the twisting in my belly, and I ran to the bathroom in time to be sick. Scientifically, I didn't believe it was possible to die from a broken heart, but science wasn't my friend right now. All I knew was that the pain was more than I could bear, and I passed out on the bathroom floor.
Each time I woke up, it was from agonizing pain ripping through me. My insides tore open, every vile bit pouring out of me until I couldn't breathe. At one point, I was positive I wouldn't make it through the night.
Who would mourn me if I died? Absolutely no one. I was taken right back to that night, ten years old and orphaned.
