I laughed bitterly. “You can’t order me to get over this. That’s not how it works.”
“The alternative is that you lose her and possibly your life.”
Though my hands shook, I had to reply. I told her it wasn't what she thought, and apologized for leaving abruptly.
“How do I reassure her when I’m falling apart?”
“You become a better actor.”
Dropping my phone on the console table, I said, “Instantly? That’s your plan?”
“Again, think of the alternative.”
“I’m on borrowed time now, Dad, and I can’t repay it. I’m screwed.”
“Once you’re married, she can’t be compelled to testify against you.”
“As though that solves everything!” I wish I had something to throw. I needed the satisfaction of breaking a glass. “Especially knowing that she’d be more than happy to throw me to the wolves if she knew what I’d done.”
Remorse didn't even begin to cover it. I’d never known the outcome of my actions that fateful night, except for my father telling me Carmine was successfully eliminated. I killed an innocent woman, and even if I didn't mean to, the thought still stabbed me in the heart.
Another text came through.
I don't want to be an imposition. Don’t fake it for my sake.
Clenching my eyes shut, I tried to figure out how I could fix this. She was already in her head, already dooming us before I’dtold her anything. Already so positive that she was the one to fuck up instead of me. She had no clue how epically I’d fucked up.
I know ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ is too cliché, but I mean it. It’s not your fault, Sailor.
At the last second, I addedI love you, hoping she wouldn't spend the rest of the night in agony. One of us was enough.
There was no reply.
“We’re fucked, Dad. All of us.”
“Over an eighteen-year-old mistake? Don’t be a fool. I raised you to stand tall, be strong, and always move forward.”
“You raised me on lies and deceit!” I shouted, turning to face him.
He looked old again, and that hurt my heart, but I couldn't let myself be swayed by it.
“I did my best to rectify my mistakes. I never meant to put them on you, but to carry them around myself.”
“You’re not the one who can fix this, though. It has to be me, but I don’t know how.”
“Treat her the same as you have been. Love her and protect her.”
“Only now, I have to protect her from me.”
I asked her if it was too late to come over, and I didn't even know if I meant too late at night or if I was simply too late.
She told me it was okay, and I blinked back tears. “How am I supposed to convince her everything is fine?”
“Find your inner strength. She deserves what you’re able to give her, so don’t fuck this up now.”
No, she sure as shit didn't deserve me, a man full of self-loathing. The man who murdered her parents when she was only ten, and caused her to have to grow up in the foster care system. I took everything from her, and it was much too late to give it back.
Chapter Twenty-three
