I rolled my eyes. "You don't have to say it. I know. But you have to admit, you pushed all my buttons when you found me in Bristol."
"It wasn't all intentional. Finding out you were pregnant was a major shock and learning of my parents' treachery was hard to swallow. I didn't handle it well, but then to see you act so differently caused a chain reaction inside me."
Before I could respond, we heard Finn through the monitor in my pocket and we both turned to leave the room.
"Do you think we should make a change to our sleeping arrangements?" Burke asked in an awkwardly hopeful tone as we ascended the stairs.
"I don't think I'm ready for that yet," I whispered.
He rested his hand on my back. "Do you know you lower your voice when you're afraid of my reaction to what you've said?"
I swallowed. "Yes, actually. It feels like my vocal cords stop working. Words get stuck in my throat."
"It's okay if you don't want to move into my room."
"I like my room, but I also like the idea of being with you."
"See, you managed that in more than a whisper." He slid his hand down until he held mine. "I like the idea of you in my bed—a lot—but I understand completely that it's too soon."
Face flushed, I entered the nursery to pick up a crying Finn. "Did you wake up hungry, little man?"
Though he quieted in my arms, he continued to protest. I sat in the rocking chair, feeling a sense of déjà vu from that morning. I unzipped my hoodie and pushed up the shirt I wore underneath to accommodate Finn's needs.
"You don't know how satisfying it is to watch you feed him."
I glanced over at Burke as he sat down in the armchair. "It is?"
"I don't know if I can explain it properly. It's amazing that you can nourish him from your body. He's such a miracle as it is, Kinsley. Do you realize I never thought I'd have children?"
"You didn't?"
"Frankly, I expected to die alone. Before you came along, I was stuck with an arranged marriage where I would have had to force myself to have children for the sake of the business." He shook his head. “All my life, I pictured dying in a gunfight with no one to mourn me.”
My pulse quickened at the thought of Finn growing up to be a murderer. "Oh, God."
"It hit you just now, didn't it?" Burke said quietly, looking at his lap.
"You want him to follow in your footsteps?" I choked out around the fist of terror squeezing my throat.
"It'll be up to him, I swear. I didn't have a choice, not really. I said no repeatedly, but what good did that do?" He shook his head. "My family would have lost everything if I didn't step up."
Looking down at Finn, I tried to picture him as a grown man following in his father's footsteps as a criminal mastermind. A cold-blooded murderer. "I can't imagine him doing . . . that."
"Right now, neither can I. Don't worry, I've already set up provisions for him so he'll have money no matter what he chooses to do with his life. My parents didn’t do that for me, and we were fucked when Carson’s health failed."
It made me sigh in relief. "He'll have to make the decision himself. I can't push this on him, and I don't want you to, either."
"But if he does want this, what will you do?"
Again, I looked down at my baby boy, knowing the answer without needing to think it through. "I'll accept whatever he decides."
25
Kinsley
Taking Maddie's advice, I waited until I'd been to the doctor and started birth control to tell Burke I was ready for our date. Nothing could stop the butterflies setting up residence in my belly at the thought of going out with Burke with the plan of letting him get lucky at the end of the night. Though if I thought about it, I remembered being the one to get lucky every time we had sex in the past. He was not merely skilled; he was downright feral in bed.
It didn't help my nerves to remember we'd been together before and sex should be familiar between us. Nearly a year had passed, but it might as well have been a decade. So much had happened to us both, plus I’d given birth. I wasn't the same person physically, mentally, or emotionally as I was back then. For one thing, I would let him take me to bed knowing he wasn't going anywhere, and I would have no regrets.
