There was sadness in his eyes at my admission. "I tried to keep my head down and not upset Carson, but it hardly worked. I was in my own world, and I'm sorry for that, but I can't change the past."
"That's true, so remember that when you wish this wasn't your life. You can't do anything about it now."
Burke shook his head ruefully. "I'm not an honorable man, Kinsley. Do you understand that my lack of morality doesn't bother me except for how it applies to you? I don't deserve to be walking around a free man. I shouldn’t just be in jail, they should bury me under it."
My jaw fell open. "It doesn't bother you?"
"No, and that makes me the worst kind of monster. I don't regret what I've become in order to run the business, but I look at you and suddenly I hate every terrible thing I've done."
I didn't expect him to say he didn't even hate that he was a murderer. "So you've killed people, and that's okay with you?"
Looking out the window, he answered, "Do you see why I don't talk about it?"
"If I don't hear it from you, I can only imagine the worst."
"Believe me, whatever you're imagining, it's worse." Looking back, he met my gaze directly. "Not all of them have died by my own hands, but I've ordered the deaths of countless men."
I had to take a minute before replying. "And you don't want to change?"
"I can't. You don't understand how deep this goes. There's no out, Kinsley. I am who I am for life."
It was surreal to hear him say that. "You don't scare me like this, sitting here together and talking. But the idea of what you do terrifies me."
"It should."
"And I understand I'm never truly safe, which makes it harder to reconcile the two halves of your life."
"You're safe within these walls, but that's the best I can offer."
Of their own accord, my eyes widened. "How do you leave the house knowing you could die running to the store?"
"I'm not afraid to die." He shrugged.
So casual, the way he spoke of dying. "How is that even possible? I'm afraid, and I fear for our son."
"You shouldn't." Leaning forward, he pinned me with his vehement gaze. "Though it’s true that we're horrendous people, the Five Families have a code of sorts. We don't target wives and children, especially not those of the bosses. Can you imagine the hell that would rain down if someone were to go after a wife or child? It's inconceivable, so the answer is to leave them untouched. It's the biggest reason I needed you to be my wife as soon as possible."
"So which is it? I'm only safe in the house, or I'm free to wander about?"
He tilted his head in acknowledgment of my astute question. "It's both, unfortunately. There's always the risk of someone going rogue and deciding they don't like the rules. As a matter of fact, we're down to four Families because someone targeted the wrong person and the entirety of their men had to be wiped out."
I rubbed my temples. Our lives were consumed with peril. Not only couldn't he change it, but he also didn't want to. "I have to find a way to live with it. I thought I had, but each additional revelation is a shock."
"If you decide you want nothing to do with me, I can't blame you."
Those words made me throw my hands in the air in frustration. "Jesus, Burke, I slept with you knowing you're a criminal. I let down my guard because I wanted you more than I wanted to retain my common sense. I can't judge you now, I just need some time to process the information."
"That's fair."
Needing a break, I suggested we eat lunch. We took turns entertaining Finn until I said I was tired and went upstairs to take a nap. In truth, I needed some time alone. It was difficult not to judge Burke, but I didn't think it was fair of me. He had never hidden who he was or what he'd done, and I knew from the years worth of news reports that he was not a saint. In fact, he was the most hardened criminal I’d ever encountered in my sheltered life, and he felt no remorse for his numerous sins.
If I accepted him for who he was, flaws and everything, could I live with the consequences? When the alternative was to be miserable for the rest of my life and keep both of us celibate, I thought the answer was that I could. Hadn't he accepted my flaws and not tried to tell me to toughen up or stop being myself? He even admitted he liked who I was when we first met, and I knew I'd grown since then.
Feeling solid in my decision, I headed out of my room to find Burke. Unsure what I would say when I saw him, I knew I had to find a way to tell him I didn't think he was the scum of the earth. Apparently, I would voluntarily join the crime syndicate, because I would keep his secrets and take them with me to the grave. I ignored the voice telling me it was wrong, that it went against everything my father had taught me from a young age as a police officer's daughter. Simply put, there was no way to remain the same person I was mere months before. In order to put a stop to our miserable separate lives, I had to join my husband in the brutal and cut-throat world of criminal enterprise.
Finding Burke in his office with the door propped open a few inches, I stood in the hallway for a second, determining if he was on the phone or with someone. Hearing nothing, I pushed the door open and stepped in.
He sat behind his desk, his dove gray suit coat hanging on the back of the chair and his tie loosened. Looking up from the file on his desk, he gave me a slight frown and a hesitant smile. "Kinsley?"
