“I bet you handle anxiety better than you think you do.”
“I used to, before she was taken. I suffered panic attacks while she was missing and for months after she was found. It caused me feel weak and useless.”
Dr. Brennan held up a hand. “You are not weak or useless. You might have been scared, confused, worried, and stressed. Stress manifests itself in many ways, depending on the person. You have the right to worry about your daughter until you’re both old.”
Devon smiled.
“Is there anything else you’d like to add?”
“Um, this friend, Chloe . . . my brother brought it to my attention that she’s interested in me as more than a friend.”
“You stated you’re still grieving over your wife. So what are your feelings on this matter?”
Devon couldn't help the quick grin. “We sort of spent the weekend together. My daughter was sick, and I called Chloe for company. I asked her how she felt about our relationship, and she basically told me to put two and two together. We, um, went to the cemetery yesterday and had a pleasant visit at my wife’s grave.”
“In what way?”
To get more comfortable, Devon shifted on the couch. “Hailey has always spoken to her mother when we go to the cemetery, and Chloe did the same. She said she was asking permission to make me happy. It felt right. Like, I don’t know, like something had loosened up in my chest. And I heard . . .”
“Heard what?” Dr. Brennan prompted when Devon trailed off.
“I swear I’m not crazy, but I heard my wife’s voice. I think she’d be okay with me moving on now. It’s been long enough; too long.”
“What I can tell you is that grief has its own timetable, Devon. There’s no easy method or chart that fits all people. You feel what you feel.” He scratched his chin. “If you’re ready to move on, then the time is right. If you’re not ready, you can’t push it without being unhappy.”
“I don't know how to know. Chloe is attractive, and she’s very good with my daughter. She’s patient with me, but she also tells me how it is without sugarcoating it. I feel good when I’m with her. Like I can relax and be myself. She’s the one who kept pushing me to come to therapy.”
Dr. Brennan smiled. “Then it sounds like we’d get along.”
“She seems to get along with everyone.”
“Here’s the bottom line; you have to move at your own pace. Regardless of what others may say, it’s okay if you’re not ready after five years. Having said that, you have to evaluate why you think you are or aren’t ready. Is it because you don’t like change? Is it because you’re scared to do something new? Are you moving forward because you were nagged into it, but you still feel uncomfortable even after agreeing? You refer to your deceased wife as though you’re still married, and perhaps you feel as though you’re being disloyal to her if you see someone else. It has to be right for you and you alone; not your brother, your parents, or even Chloe. We do need to push ourselves, but not so hard we’re unhappy. If this is right for you, then you’ll know you can move forward.”
“I think I understand what you’re saying.” Devon ran his hands over his face. “For a while, I felt Chloe was the only one I could be completely honest with. She wasn't disappointed in me, she wasn't disgusted with my weaknesses. I thought that made her my friend and nothing more.”
“I hope she is your friend. That’s a good place to start.”
“I think so, too. I worry”—he broke off with a snort—“about everything, if I’m being honest. I worry that whatever I might feel for Chloe will never compare to what I felt for Kathy. I’m afraid to put aside my feelings for Kathy because I don’t want to betray what we had.”
“Feelings can be tricky sometimes. We cling to what was because it’s known, and the unknown is scary. You don’t have to stop loving the memory of your wife, but she’s not here with us now. For your health and happiness, you have to evaluate your new relationships without the shroud of old feelings. Does that make sense?”
He thought about it for long moments. Was that something he could do? He sure as hell didn't want to bring Kathy into his developing relationship with Chloe. “When I got married, I thought I would live out my days with Kathy. It’s hard to move past the idea of that.”
“Just remember the vows state ‘til death do we part.’ You are alive, and it can be tough to reconcile facts with emotions. I will reiterate that your feelings are always valid. As long as you’re not considering self-harm or hurting others, let your feelings be what they are. A few times a day, take a moment to evaluate them and accept them.” Dr. Brennan glanced at his watch. “Is there anything else you wish to discuss before the end of our session?”
Devon shook his head. “I don’t think so.”
“All right.” Dr. Brennan closed his notebook and stood. “Be sure to stop by the reception desk to make another appointment.”
“Thank you.” Devon shook the doctor’s hand before leaving the room.
On the way home, he thought about the appointment. He liked Dr. Brennan. He didn't feel as though he was being told he was crazy, more like he was being told it was okay to mess up sometimes. Like there was hope for him, even if he might need more help along the way. Considering what Chloe had gone through and how therapy had helped her, Devon figured it couldn't hurt to attend more sessions.
Since it was almost lunchtime when he got back to Merrimac, he stopped at the diner in town. He spotted Sergeant Hurley’s vehicle in the parking lot and decided he would say hello before getting his lunch.
He found him settling his bill at the counter. “John, it’s good to see you.”
John turned from the register and gave Devon a tight smile. “I was going to call you when I got back to the station. You want to save me some trouble and sit with me for a minute?”
