She wrinkled her nose. “For what, Daddy?”
“Not letting trolls get the best of you.” He grinned, and she giggled.
“I don’t like them,” she whispered, though they were outside by that point.
“It’s okay not to like them, sweetpea. They loved your mother very much, and they didn't want to give her up. I suppose that’s why they’ve never really liked me. I’m just sorry it rubs off on you.” He gave her a kiss on the forehead and watched her blink become sluggish. “How about a nap before dinner?” he suggested.
“Will you stay with me?”
How could he resist that little face? “You can sleep in my bed and I’ll lay down with you until you fall asleep, okay?”
She nodded, and he picked her up and carried her up the stairs. How could he have considered leaving this light behind? He felt the familiar guilt wash over him, but this time he knew he deserved it for the thoughts he’d been having. He still wanted to run, to avoid his problems and find oblivion where he didn't have to be reminded of everything that had gone wrong. But he knew he wouldn't act on it. Hailey was his light, his sun, his entire world. He would focus on her, on her strength through the tough times, and he would be the best father he could. Even if he thought he failed more often than not.
“Daddy?” she asked around a yawn.
“Yes, bug?” He set her on the bed and let her shift around and get comfortable before stretching out next to her.
“Are you and I going to be together forever?”
And just like that, she knocked the wind right out of him. “Why do you ask?”
She blinked up at him and moved her head so it rested on his outstretched arm. “Because Mommy left us, and I almost left you.”
He stared at the wall behind her head and refused to cry. He locked down the emotions and made his best effort to remain neutral. “There’s no way to know for sure, baby. It’s not up to us. Didn’t we learn after Mommy went to heaven that we have to love each other as hard as we can and always say I love you?”
“Even if we’re mad,” she recited.
“That’s right.”
“So if I don’t love Grandma and Grandpa Keystone, does that mean I’ve been bad? Will God be mad at me for not saying I love you?”
He tightened his arm around her so she curled into his side. Breathing came a little harder now. “Nobody will be mad at you for not loving every single person, but you do have to be respectful. That’s good manners. It has nothing to do with whether someone will go to heaven.” All those years later, and he still couldn't bring himself to say the worddie.
“So I won’t go away because I was bad?” Her voice was tiny and unsure.
His heart lodged in his throat. He swallowed around it. “No, Hailey, that’s not how it works.”
“I wish I could pick when I went to heaven. I’d stay with you always.”
“If that was how it worked, Mommy would still be with us.”And our lives would be completely different.
Hailey didn't say anything else, and not long after, her breathing changed. Devon wanted to get up and find the rest of his family, but he didn't want to disturb her. She still tired out in the afternoons, but her naps were shorter. Finally, he went ahead and slid his arm out from under her. She sighed softly and buried her face in the pillow.
He found everyone in the kitchen, Lydia wrist deep in her preparations for dinner. She didn't cook as often as Don did, but she was very good at it.
Lori looked up at him as he entered the room. “Devon, I was telling everyone we’d like to have a little party for Hailey when she gets the official approval to be out of her wheelchair. What do you think?”
He scratched the back of his neck. “Who would you invite?”
She slid a look at Caleb, who held Maisie up against his shoulder, before focusing on Devon once more. “Just us. Maybe Alicia and John. I like them.”
Devon nodded. “That would be okay. I don’t want to have too many people or wear her out.”
“Of course not,” Lori agreed.
“Do you want to do it here?” Don asked.
“That would be easiest.” Caleb shifted Maisie to his other shoulder, and Devon saw that she was asleep.
