"They didn't say no, just that all decisions have to go through Simon Chatsworth. He’s out of reach in the middle of the ocean." Don was a practical man. He understood the need for procedures and protocol. He understood the need for permission and waiting to do things the legal way, but for God's sake, it was his granddaughter missing. He was inclined to agree with Devon, despite his outwardly calm demeanor. He was only being level-headed for Devon's benefit.
"There should be something more we can do," Devon whispered as he stood there staring at the fence which barred his entrance. He wanted to pace, to claw out his hair, to scream at the sky and the sun burning too brightly in his face. He walked away from the no trespassing sign as his vision blurred. “I used to work here, surely they would understand if I went looking for Hailey on my own.”
"The entire city of Merrimac has been covered twice," Caleb said. "They have covered the Nash Stream Forest to the best of anyone's ability. The Forestry Service and the Rangers have looked, and are on the lookout still, for anyone matching Hailey's description."
"It's not enough, Caleb. It's not enough!" Devon had to stop walking, to sit on the ground right where he'd stood, to catch his breath as another panic attack hit. He'd been having them with a great deal of regularity since his daughter had gone missing. He had faith she was alive, or so he tried to reassure himself. So where the fuck was she?
"I know, Devon. If there was something else we could do, I'd be first in line to do it." Vince sat next to Devon, and Caleb followed suit. They stared at the sign requesting all visitors come through the main entrance and not trespass on private lands.
"We should go back home, or to the police station, and regroup," Don said after giving Devon some time.
Since the others agreed, they piled in Don's car and headed to the police station. Devon paced, intending to be polite and wait for someone to help them, but after ten minutes he couldn't wait any longer. He strode out the lobby and down the hall, checking the nameplates on the doors until he found Sergeant Hurley. Throwing open the door, Devon ignored the way the other man abruptly stood at the intrusion.
"What the fuck have you found out about my daughter?"
John took in the flushed face, the heaving chest as Devon forced air in and out of his lungs, the balled up fists, and the scowl. He put his hands up in a placating gesture but stayed where he was. "Mr. McMillan—"
"No!” Devon cut him off. “None of your cop-speak bullshit!Where is she?" he shouted. He gripped the edge of the sergeant's desk and pushed it as hard as he could, filled with petty satisfaction as several items toppled over. Any release of the pent-up rage he felt was good.
John took a deep breath. "You need to calm down if you want me to talk to you." He paused as Devon stood stock still and heaved out uneven breaths. "I just got off the phone with Simon Chatsworth, who gave us permission to search the mill’s property. I was about to inform Chief Hemsworth of my conversation with Mr. Chatsworth and then call you."
Devon tried to regulate his breathing. He tried, but he couldn't. Nothing was in his control anymore. The room spun around him as he hyperventilated, and John rushed around his desk to lead him to the floor as his knees buckled. "Just breathe for me, Devon."
John left him on the floor and went to his desk to call for help. It wouldn't take more than three minutes; the paramedics were next door. "Devon, is anyone with you?"
Devon couldn't answer. His lungs felt like they would explode at any second. Blackness encroached on his vision from the outer corners. Before he knew what was happening, someone was placing a mask on his face and he felt a cool rush of air. The pain in his chest lessened, but his head pounded and his vision clouded.
Don hovered in his vision when Devon next opened his eyes. He was on the floor of the sergeant's office, an oxygen mask on his face and sweat covering his clothes.
"You okay?"
He nodded. He didn't think he could speak. His father sat next to him and took his hand in his.
"Sergeant Hurley said we could use his office for now. He and Chief Hemsworth have gone to the mill as they said they would. I told the paramedics you didn't want to be transported; I hope that's okay."
Devon nodded.
"You had a panic attack; a big one. I authorized Valium." Don paused. "I don't like what this is doing to you, son. I wish I had the answers."
Devon felt tears well up in his eyes. He didn't want to worry his father. He didn't want to be a burden to his brother and his best friend. They were all worried about him, all putting their lives on hold because he couldn't get it together, and he hated it.
He pulled the mask off and dropped it to the ground. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. There's nothing I'd want you to do differently, except maybe get more sleep."
They fell silent as a paramedic came back into the room. She asked if she could take Devon's vitals again, and he let her.
His life was falling apart, and he couldn't do anything to stop it.
~~~
DEVON AND HIS FAMILYwere allowed to join the search of the Chatsworth Mill and its surrounding land. The owner, Simon Chatsworth, met them at the building office.
“I'm sorry we couldn't give you permission to be here yesterday, gentlemen," he said. “I’m especially sorry to hear about your daughter, Devon.” Devon looked at the man’s wide, overly tanned face and deep-set eyes. It had been many years since he worked for him straight out of high school. “I was deep-sea diving, and it took a bit of a relay to reach the boat’s radio.”
"I appreciate it." Devon cleared his throat when the words came out in a grunt. "Where are Chief Hemsworth and Sergeant Hurley?"
"I believe they’re searching the outer edges of the woods surrounding the river. Chatsworth County Search and Rescue will be here within the hour. The police have already searched the public sections of the Ammonoosuc River extensively. We've passed out the fliers Merrimac PD sent us and asked around. Nobody remembers seeing her."
