“Come on, Kate. You’ll catch your death standin’ out in the snow.” Andrew took her hand and led her back into the barn. “Sorry ’bout him makin’ a scene and all that. And he calls himself a gentleman.”
She hurriedly brushed the tears from her cheeks. What had Andrew heard? Had he seen them kissing? Her pulse still raced. No, he couldn’t have seen anything. Andrew was not the kind of person to let something like that go. She didn’t want to think of the dark jealousy that would erupt if he knew she had kissed another man.
Andrew busied himself with his mount, the coil of rope slung over his shoulder. Kate stood unmoving in the middle of the barn. He continued, not looking at her. “You know what I think? I think he’s sweet on you. That’s why he ran off when he heard about the weddin’.”
“Quite possible.” Her voice sounded small in her own ears. She couldn't stop staring at the hat Jacob had left behind, sitting forgotten in the dirt.
“Well,” he said, checking the cinch, “he’s gone now. Don’t ’spect we’ll see him again. Best not to tell your folks he was here at all. On account of him actin’ the way he did.”
“Yes,” she replied dully. “Best not. They would’ve liked to say hello.”
Andrew gave her a quick, hard kiss on her cold cheek then swung into the saddle. “Be back ’fore sundown,” he said over his shoulder, and left.
Kate bent slowly and picked up Jacob’s hat. Had she known that Jacob loved her she would’ve … what? Rejected Andrew? Waited, wasting away, pining for a man she had said goodbye to on the trail, a man she thought she’d never see again? A man she knew didn’t share her faith? Oh, but that kiss! The heat of it still thrummed through her body. She could still feel his hand tangling in her hair, his mouth hungry for her.
No! She clenched her eyes shut. It was just passion, only lust, these feelings she had for him! And she had kissed him back when she was engaged to another! Kate hung her head in shame.Oh Lord, why does it have to be like this? Why bring this man into my life just to demand that I reject him, deny him, against the yearning of my heart?She dropped to her knees, crushing his hat to her chest as fresh tears coursed down her face.I love him, Lord. Why must I choose? Why can't I have both a beautiful love here on earth and a beautiful faith in you?
She thought of Andrew. Stalwart, familiar, broody Andrew. He cared for her, Kate knew, and he loved the Lord in his own way. Everyone thought they were meant for each other. She sighed. Andrew was a good man, and with their betrothal she had accepted her one shot at a good,steady home of her own. And she cared for him—really, she did; they’d been friends for years. In time, she would grow to love him as they made their life together and grew their partnership.
She stood up and shook the dirt from her skirts. She had made her choice, and Jacob was gone. Kate looked at his worn, brown hat, his intoxicating musk still emanating from it. She quickly stuffed it behind the sacks of feed. Maybe he’d come back for it. But she couldn’t look at it again. Kate took a deep breath and strode determinedly up to the house, her face set, her chin high, the last of her tears drying on her cheeks. Supper wouldn’t make itself.
Chapter 29
Somewhereinthebackof Jacob’s mind an alarm clanged, telling him it wasn’t a good thing that his feet didn’t hurt anymore.
He shrugged away the annoying thought. What time was it? He looked up. Between the heavy gray clouds and the mountains stretching high all around him, it could’ve been twilight or high noon for all he could tell. He sniffed. Not like it mattered anyway.
Jacob loosened the reins and let Kip choose his way. He didn’t care where he was going as long as it was north. North into the wilderness, far away from everything and everyone. He had been hurt one time too many. He had decided to leave it all behind.
He’d been riding like this for eight days. He’d run out of food yesterday morning.
“At least we’ve got no end of water,” Jacob muttered sarcastically, glowering at the snow that had hindered his progress and made him completely miserable. He kicked himself again for leaving his hat in the dirt at Kate’s feet. He’d tied one of his spare shirts over his ears. When was the last time he’d been warm? Unbidden, a memory blossomed inside of him, of holding Kate in his arms, kissing her fiercely, the heat of her body against his, his hand in her hair, the taste of her mouth. He groaned. He came out here to forget her. He didn’t want to think of her ever again. Jacob booted Kip in the ribs, and his mount stumbled forward into an exhausted jog, head low, his hot breath snorting in great clouds of white in the frigid mountain air.
Why couldn’t he forget her? Kate haunted him, dogging his every step, her voice whispering in the pines, her face floating in his dreams. He shook his head angrily. How could she? How could she let him declare his love for her like an absolute fool and not say anything? How could she kiss him with such wild abandon, driving him nearly mad in his desire for her, then rip his heart out and stand by as some usurper snatched his dreams away? Was it some cruel joke to her? Some sadistic game to stoke the fire of passion and laugh at him while he burned? Time slipped around him as he stewed in his blinding anger.
Kip stumbled, almost falling to his knees, wrenching Jacob out of his furious thoughts.
“Sorry, bud,” he growled in self-recrimination and eased his wearied gelding to a slow walk, fighting the urge to gallop into the wild until they both dropped dead. “Guess it ain’t fair for you to suffer too.”
Jacob patted Kip’s trembling neck with a numb hand and took stock of his surroundings. They were in a flat, narrow valley surrounded on all sides by forbidding, white-wreathed peaks. When had it started to snow? Jacob adjusted his collar against the rising wind and grunted, realizing his fingers weren’t working properly. He shoved his right hand in his armpit, wincing. The lowering clouds, slate gray and portentously heavy, seemed to suck the light from the world. Was it that close to sundown already? Jacob’s brow creased as he pulled Kip to a stop. He swiveled his head. Nothing but a few stunted bushes could be seen in the already thickening snowfall. A thrill of alarm shot through his body. He needed to find cover.
Jacob’s mind raced against the fading light. Had he passed any sort of shelter? A copse of trees, or even a snowbank deep enough to burrow into? Nothing. He cursed. He’d been too wrapped up in his anger to pay attention. Jacob’s breath quickened, his frantic heart beat thundering in his ears. A black, cancerous fear gnawed at his belly.
Flurries swirled angrily around them, thickening until he could barely see ten yards past Kip’s ears, the wind rising to a maddening keen, laughing at him, taunting him, shouting murderous threats in his ears. Jacob panicked, booting Kip into a savage run, his mind overrun by rabid terror, fleeing into the darkening blizzard with Death biting at his heels. Without warning, the ground opened up beneath them and he tumbled forward into the waiting blackness, a terrified yell ringing in his ears.
Chapter 30
Pareadfromthegospel of John for this Sunday’s worship. It was the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, one of Kate’s favorite passages. Not just for the miracle of making a dead man come alive once again, but for the fact that Jesus wept when He saw the grief of the people He loved. It had always comforted her, knowing that her Lord cared about her enough to share in her trials and her grief.
Yet she couldn’t seem to concentrate. Maybe she was just tired. She had tossed and turned all night, restlessly listening to the rising wind as a storm had come down from the Wind River Range and stayed to blow fiercely even still.
She kept looking out the window to where Jacob had disappeared into the mountains. He’d be out in that storm. Kate’s skin warmed. She shouldn’t even be thinking about him. But he pulled at her like a magnet, her eyes and heart drawn northward again and again until she couldn’t fight it anymore.Lord, if I can’t stop thinking about him, change the cadence of my thoughts toward him. Help me see him as you do, not as I do.And so she prayed. Every time she looked out the window and saw the image of Jacob riding away from her into the mountains, she prayed for him.Take care of him, Lord. Wherever he is, keep him safe.
Pa closed the Bible with a soft thump and raised a rousing “amen.” Kate murmured a response but stayed sitting next to Ma by the fire. She glanced out the window again.
“Are you all right, Katherine? You seem distracted this morning.”
“I’m fine, Ma. Just worried about the storm, I guess.”
