Danny: What’s the long answer?
Sebastian: I guess the long answer is that I sold out my family, and I can see now, with hindsight, that it was the wrong thing to do. I was so angry with Dad, but did I want to completely destroy his life? I think if you’d asked me back then, I would have said I did, but now? The man’s a lonely alcoholic, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Mum’s been okay, she’s very resilient, but I’m not sure about Pea. She’s in a good place now but for years she didn’t settle down, didn’t seem fully content. And I can’t know, I suppose, whether she would have been in other circumstances, but it’s something that plagues me when Ican’t sleep. Did I sell my sister’s future happiness for one point eight million quid?
Danny: Has your dad been in touch since the last episode aired?
Sebastian: No, he hasn’t. I listened to it when it aired, and then I waited. I thought he’d call immediately, actually. I thought he’d shout and scream at me. But I suppose that was the old dad, the one who was drinking and angry. And it hit me that maybe I don’t really know this new dad as well as I thought, the one in recovery, who’s presumably faced up to some of his issues. And perhaps I never will. If he’s listening to this, I’d like to say I’m sorry.
Danny: One last question, Sebastian. What did you do with the money?
Sebastian: Well, you’ve heard that I gave some of it to Mum in the aftermath of it all, because she was struggling to make ends meet. It was a risk, because I knew she’d be curious about where it came from, but I couldn’t see her stressed like that when I had all this money I didn’t really need. I would have given it all to her if I could have done, but then her suspicions would have been too much. The rest of it is still sitting in my bank account. It became clear to me quite early on that what I’d done was wrong, and as soon as I acknowledged that, I couldn’t really justify using it. Strangely enough, your podcast has made me realise what I should do with it.
Danny: And what’s that?
Sebastian: I’m going to reopen Wildworld. Or, rather, I’m going to pay for Wildworld to reopen and ask Pea to run it. I mean, it’s all still there, most of the rides, everything. Some of them were taken in the bankruptcy case but most weren’t. I think it was just too much hassle to try to sell them on. It just needs a new lease of life. It feels like the right thing to do.
Danny: So there you have it. By the time I picked up again with Pea, Sebastian had put this to her. So to recap, the last bit of Pea’s story we heard, it was 2009. She was running a dog rescue centre and she’d just seen Zak for the first time since 1996. Let’s hear her reaction to Sebastian’s suggestion that AJ Silver didn’t die after all.
Pea: I mean, I don’t know what to say. I believe him, Sebastian, because I don’t see what possible reason he would have to lie about it. But it’s just mindboggling to think that AJ might be out there somewhere. That Zak and his parents didn’t have to do all that grieving, that we didn’t have to lose Wildworld and break apart like that. If I think about it too much, I get angry with him for his part in it. Yes, he was young and he was pissed off with Dad and he wasn’t the instigator, but still. He played his role.
Zak: Look, I know better than anyone what fame was doing to my brother. I knew how low he got sometimes, how trapped he felt. So if it’s true, if Sebastian helped him to escape the circus that had built up around him, and AJ is out there on a beach or in a city just living an anonymous life, I’m okay with that. I wish we hadn’t all had to go through what we did, thinking he’d gone so young and in such a horrific way. But if he’s happy, I’m happy. And if he ever wants to get in touch, I would loveto hear his voice, or see his handwriting, and find out what he’s been doing these past twenty-nine years. He was so special, AJ. You don’t get to that level of fame without having something incredibly special, and I’d love to know where he’s put all that energy, all that talent.
I don’t think Mom would see it that way, though. We all broke apart when AJ died – when we thought he’d died – but she suffered the most, I think. I’ll never fully understand how it is sometimes between mothers and sons, at least not from the mother’s perspective, but she hasn’t got over it. I think this revelation will open it all up for her again, and she will spend the rest of her days looking for him, so I really hope Sebastian’s telling the truth and not just fucking with us all. I don’t see why he would, though. And that offer to reopen Wildworld for Pea, that’s really something. He shouldn’t have done what he did, and he shouldn’t have profited financially from it, but it feels like he’s trying to put that right. And after all, he’s just the messenger, isn’t he? AJ’s the one we should be angry with about the whole thing, if anyone. Sebastian was just there and he had an axe to grind with his dad, and AJ took advantage of that.
Pea: I’m trying not to count my chickens, but yes, this would go a long way towards putting things right, for me. I’ve drifted a bit over the years, I can’t lie. I grew up believing that I would be involved with Wildworld and when that rug was pulled out from under me with no notice, I flailed. It wasn’t that I’d done badly at school, I just hadn’t done the visualising that a lot of kids do about future careers. I thought that was all sorted, so I just didn’t spend time thinking about it. So over the years I’ve been a waitress, a teaching assistant, a manager at a dog shelter. Itrained as a hairdresser and did that for a while. It’s fair to say I haven’t found a career and settled into it. For the past few years, I’ve been trying to recapture the way I used to feel when I was at Wildworld. I’ve been operating rides at a theme park. It’s not easy work. There’s a lot of standing around in the cold. It can be boring. People are dicks, sometimes. But of all those jobs I’ve had over the years, this one feels the most like me. So the chance to go back to Wildworld, to take it on the way I always thought I would? That’s magical, to me.
After Zak visited, I started going back there sometimes. Parking in the empty car park and sneaking in through that side gate. It’s eerie, when a place should be full of life and people and, in particular, children, and it’s dead silent. But I still loved it. It still brought me comfort. I tried taking Dad there once. After he got sober, he was generally more even and content, but he would have these black periods. Depression, I guess. And during one of them, about five years ago now, I revealed that I’d been spending time at Wildworld and asked if he wanted to come along. He did, but it wasn’t the right thing for him, looking back. For whatever reason, I could be there and think of all the happiness the place had brought me, but for him it was the opposite. He was tense the whole time we were on the site, and I saw him physically relax as we drove away afterwards. It just goes to show that people have their different ways of healing, of coping. And I know, deep down, that being back at Wildworld will be the best thing for me. Sebastian says he’ll join me there as Assistant Manager, but that I’ll be in charge. I like the idea of working with him, too. We’ve never been particularly close, but perhaps it’s not too late. I feel lucky, hopeful.
Danny: So I know I’m not the only one who wants to know what happened to Pea and Zak after that last meeting?
Zak: After that visit, I knew for sure that I wanted to be with Pea. So I ended my relationship and started going back and forth as much as my income and annual leave allowed, which wasn’t a great deal. For about three more visits, we kept up the pretence that we were just old friends going over our shared history. And then one day, she turned up at the airport to pick me up and she kissed me, right there in the arrivals hall. She kissed me like we’d never been apart. I liked that, that she didn’t insist on having a big discussion about it. We just picked up where we left off, after a gap of more than thirteen years. But of course, we weren’t the same people we’d been as teenagers. I was worried that it would fade out after the initial excitement of being back together, but it never did. Never has.
Pea: My relationship with Zak is the one good thing to come out of this whole mess. He lost a brother, and my family fell apart and lost its roots, its centre, and we can’t change any of that. But if none of it had ever happened, we wouldn’t be together. Wouldn’t ever have met. And I don’t know where I’d be. I mean, none of us do. But the thought of being without him again now makes me feel panicky, like I can’t breathe.
We got married ten years ago, and last year, after we’d all but given up, we had our rainbow baby, Rose. Before Zak reappeared in my life, I’d decided I didn’t think I would end up having children. The relationships I had after Zak – and before Zak, if you see what I mean – werefine but they all came up short. There was no one I could envisage starting a family with. I used to chastise myself for the fact that the only man I’d been able to imagine settling down and having children with was my first love, from when I was sixteen. I thought I was misremembering it all, giving it more weight than it deserved. I believed that I was just young and stupid. But that’s not right. I know that now. It was just so good with Zak that I wasn’t prepared to settle for something less. And thank God I didn’t.
Zak: Becoming a father is really something. Rose just turned one and she’s right on the edge of walking. She can do it if she’s holding on to furniture, or if she’s holding someone’s hand or even just a finger, but she hasn’t quite worked up the courage to let go and just go for it. I’m not worried or anything. I know this is how it works, and that she will do it in her own time. But just watching her, being there to catch her, feels a lot like a metaphor for the whole parenting experience. You do all you can but there’s so much they have to do for themselves, and all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces if necessary.
The love is immeasurable. Here’s this person who didn’t exist a couple of years ago and I know, without question, that I would die for her. Pea and I send each other photos of her all day long. Early on, we used to send a message with the photo, but it always read something along the lines of ‘Look at this incredible human being we made’ so we stopped bothering after a while. Now we just send the photos, one after another.
I’m ready to have another one as soon as Pea is.
Pea: Of course Zak is ready for another one. If we’re able to, we definitely will. I don’t like to think about not having had Rose. Sometimes, I dwell a bit on the fact that if that story hadn’t come out, if Nicole Waddington hadn’t needed money and gone to the press with a bit of fabricated scandal, Zak wouldn’t have come here, and we wouldn’t have got back together, and we wouldn’t have Rose. It makes me so scared I end up freezing and not being able to do anything for a minute or two. That’s the power of thought. I try to remind myself how lucky I am, how lucky we are. And if Uncle AJ ever wants to pay a visit to his niece, the door is open.
Danny: I do love a happy ending. But let’s not forget two of the other main players in this whole thing. How have Cathy and John reacted to Sebastian’s bombshell?
John: If you’d come to me with this information from Sebastian at the outset, I wouldn’t have agreed to do the podcast. But here we are, having trawled through the wreckage of my life, and I feel like things would be unfinished if I didn’t respond. When I heard what Sebastian said at the end of the last episode, it sent me into a spin. AJ Silver – not dead? Did I lose everything over nothing? Was my demise just a cog in the wheel of his escape from the limelight – from the fame he’d courted? And did my only son really assist with that? I was listening in my flat, sitting at the table where I eat my meals, and I got up, went to the sink, and I was physically sick. So yeah, that was my initial reaction.
I’ve had time to think about it now, of course. It pains me that Sebastian hated me enough to do that to me. That our family business and our relationships meant so littleto him. But one thing I’ve learned since getting sober is that when people do something malicious to you, there’s usually a good reason. So I sat with it, and thought about what his reasons might have been. We’d clashed over his career plans, of course. He was becoming a man, learning all that that entails, and he’d obviously looked at the male role model in his life and found me wanting. And I was wanting, I was. I was an alcoholic.
Cathy: I don’t know what to think. I called Sebastian the day after the last episode aired and just burst into tears. We talked for a long time about whether it was true and why he did it. For what it’s worth, I believe him. And I forgive him, too. He was young, and he made a mistake. One thing he said that’s been playing on repeat in my head for the past week is that he thinks he put the final nail in the coffin of my marriage to John. It was easy to reassure him on that point. Everything that happened culminated in me walking out with the kids, because I was worried for our safety, but that marriage had been dead for a long time. If there’d been no AJ Silver, or the visit from AJ Silver had gone well, or any other scenario you can think of, we’d still be divorced. He seemed relieved to hear that. I guess it’s a worry he’s been carrying around for a long time, and he was finally able to put it down.
I’m in a good place now. When I first left John, it felt like I was drowning, financially. But after Sebastian gave me that chunk of money to get us on our feet, I was able to start saving, and after the kids left home I was in a position to buy a flat for myself. It’s just a small one, two bedrooms, but it suits me. I’ve made it home. I’ve got a cat. Dexter. I’ve been on a few dates, over the years, had a few short relationships, but nothing that’s stuck. Idon’t know why that is. I used to worry about it, about the prospect of being alone forever, but I’ve got used to it now. There’s something quite freeing about only pleasing yourself. I have an admin job at a nearby university. I like being around the students and the academics, like the buzz of it, the sense of possibility. I’m even taking a course there, which I can do for free as a perk of the job. It’s an English Literature module, a Shakespeare one. When I was growing up, I didn’t even consider going to university, but I think I would if I was young now. So why not? There’s no pressure to do a whole degree, but I might. For now, I’m enjoying getting lost in worlds a long way from my own, reading beautiful words aloud when I’m alone in my flat, Dexter at my feet.
I think a lot about life, about what it’s really for. What matters. Maybe everything that happened was supposed to happen because it brought Pea and Zak together. It allowed for Rose to exist. And Rose is pure joy. I was as shocked as anyone when Pea told me he was back on the scene, but I can see now that they’re perfect for each other. When she was a teenager, I was just trying to protect her, so I didn’t stop to notice. I look after Rose when I can to give them a break. Sometimes I read my university texts aloud to her. She just gazes up at me, adoring, not caring what the words say. Just taking comfort from the sound of the voice of someone who loves her.
John: I haven’t given up on Sebastian, no. You don’t give up on your children. We’ll talk, when we’re both ready. I don’t want our relationship to be defined by something he did when he was barely an adult. As for opening up Wildworld again, I don’t know what to think about that. That place brought me so much joy, but it ruined me,too. If Pea thinks she can make a better go of it than I did, I wish her luck. I didn’t fully realise, back then, how important the place was to her. But I think part of that is that it stood for something, for a united family. I hope it isn’t painful for her to go back there and find that we’re still splintered and broken. I’ll be there on opening day, to show my support.
Danny: I’ll leave the Hunters there. AJ’s parents, Grace and Ken, declined to talk to us for this episode. BNT, AJ’s record company, have told me they will be issuing a direct statement in due course. So for our last words, I’ll turn to Maggie.
