Chucky’s voice softened, but the snarl remained. “Thank you for the apology. I can forgive quite a bit from a young man in a position such as yours. But let that be the last.” He peeled his eyes away from me and took a sip.
“I… thank you. I’m sorry again, man.”
When he spoke again, it was as if nothing had happened. “It’s fine. I understand young men have many things on their minds these days. But not everything in our heads should be let out. You need to know what’s appropriate to ask a friend in passing such as myself.” He slapped my back and smiled. “But you’ll learn.”
I laughed, drunk and relieved he wasn’t mad at me anymore. “Yeah, I will.”
“Wanna know the best part about making friends in passing? We don’t ever have to speak again, and that’s just fine. You don’t owe me anything, nor I you. Just fine and dandy, if you ask me.”
Chucky was a few screws short of set, but he knew himself. What he wanted and what he liked. Is it so wrong to pursue one’s own interests?
No, it wasn’t.
He was right. But more, he was happy. He lived his whole life for himself and made it out fine. No, not fine—thriving. I said something he didn’t like, and he let me know. His drink was shitty, and he let me know that, too. If we were to never speak again, it wouldn’t be a problem for either of us.
I was looking at my future, and it wasn’t all that bad. Or, a possible future. I’d never sell my most valuable asset to travel the world in retirement, even if it funded my lifestyle. But he wasfree, wasn’t he? In a way no one else could comprehend. I started to. Then I realized I made the right decision.
Alec was a good man, but looking for something I couldn’t give him. That wasn’t me. He needed a solid foundation underfoot. I needed the wind below and the horizon ahead. Even if it was years in the future, we’d never be able to be what the other needed. And that was fine. More than fine.
“Yup. Just fine.”
???
I should’ve eaten. I hadn’t since my flight. Instead of getting food, I talked to Chucky all night, and didn’t wake up until late morning. Which meant there were no good spots left on the beach. The only reason I was at that godforsaken hotel in the first place was to lie out and let the sun bake away whatever sorrow I felt. I couldn’t even do that.
The only seat I found, and I mean an upright chair, not a lounger, was shaded by the jetty rocks dividing our beach from the spring breakers. It was pretty shit. My breakfast was a twelve-dollar packet of crackers. The only thing I wanted to do was inaccessible, and I wasexhausted.
On the flight over, the one thought that gave me solace was the bed. We were crowded in my tiny double at home. The kings and queens on the road were better, but he was still a damn furnace at night and a sleep-cuddler. He'd pull me back into his arms if I got away from him for too long. It was adorable but caused some sleepless nights.
The appeal of a giant resort-style bed all to myself was a pleasant fantasy, but terrible in practice. I was cold. And lonely. We’d only slept together for three months, but I’d gotten so used to Alec beside me that his absence was more noticeable than his sweaty, hairy chest on my back.
I missed him. Pretty fucking badly. Whatever resolve to live my life alone I’d had the night before was dissolving in the bright sun. Seeing all the couples didn’t help. Worse than missing him? The regret and pain.
My feelings for him were so strong that I was hurt because I hurt him. That was a novel experience. I’d fret for days if I ever hurt anyone, but it had never happened with someone I got naked with. It added layers I couldn’t comprehend. The worst was trying to understand why people willingly put themselves through it.
Why did humans seek complicated relationships? Why give another person the ability to harm you? Or fear harming them? It was stupid, and counterproductive to evolution. Wouldn’t it be better to live for oneself? Food and shelter for one would be easier to find than for several. Protecting yourself from threats was easier than worrying about others.
But we did. Throughout all of human existence, we sought companionship. Romantic and platonic. Why? Why did we need others? Why did I feel like I needed Alec?
Maybe because he provided a material benefit to my life? My place was clean, I ate better food, I had my own personal trainer at the gym, and I wasn’t lonely. But was that worth feeling like shit? Were the positives of having someone equal to or greater than the threat of misery they posed?
I wasn’t going to get answers, but I could catch a mid-morning buzz.
Chucky was sitting at the beach bar. What an interesting existence. No one and nothing. Just the road ahead and the absence of desire to look back. No one could hurt him, nor could he hurt anyone else. His enjoyment, his pleasure, his fancy, whenever, wherever, for as long as he walked the earth.
“Chucky, my man,” I said, slapping his back after walking up to him.
He was speaking to a young couple and didn’t see me approach. He turned around to see who hit him with a sneer. It melted as recognition hit.
“Oh, uh, hello, Matthew,” he said.
Matthew?
I chuckled, wondering if I had misheard him. “It’s Mason, man. From last night.”
“Apologies,” Chucky said with a plastic smile. Then to the couple, “Anyway, you were saying that a groomsman had to be removed? Why so?”
He didn’t invite me to sit, he just continued his conversation as if I wasn’t there. The newly minted couple looked at him, then at me. The wife chuckled and continued with a story she didn’t sound pleased to be telling. Her husband held my gaze, offering a silent apology.
