“Hey, Mom. Sorry, I missed your calls. I was working on homework.”
“That’s okay, baby, I just wanted to hear your voice! Seems like school has been busy lately, is all of that going well?”
Sorrow shoots through me like cool rainfall. I should have just answered her call before, but I couldn’t release the sudden freeze thatovertook my body. Even now, I can hear the tick of our internal clock before our inevitable interruption, and I fight the urge to hang up.
“School’s going well. I’m learning a lot, and one of my professors even offered to help me with the job search once my degree is finished. He says I can probably find an offer for up to 55K a year starting salary.”
“That’s amazing, Cassy. I’m so proud of all your hard work.” She says, pulling at my heartstrings. What I don’t tell her is that as soon as that first paycheck comes in the mail, almost all of it is going straight to her. Everything I’ve worked for has been for the purpose of giving my mom a chance to leave the financially manipulative claws of my stepdad, a real shot at breaking away from his control. He takes every cent she makes and hoards it over her head, alongside the accumulated stacks of debt he’s taken out in her name through the years.
“You’re wasting money on long-distance calls again.” Joe’s voice rumbles through the connection, closer to the phone than it should be. My hands start to shake, and I dig my fingernails into my palm, shoulders lined with tension.
“Just talking to Cassy, dear,” my mom whispers, further away from the mic now. I can picture her shrinking, making herself smaller in his presence.
“She doesn’t need to hear from you every day. What’s she gonna do, solve your problems from there?” His voice is getting closer, and I can hear Mom’s sharp intake of breath.
Then her voice returns to the speaker, artificial sunshine filling her voice.
“Cassy, baby, I’ve got to go make dinner. I’ll talk to you another time, okay?” Her voice shakes the tiniest fraction as she forces the words out in an enthusiastic tone.
My eyes grow blurry and full, but I keep my voice even. “Okay, Mom. I love you.”
“I love you, too, sweetheart.”
Three beeps. The line goes dead.
My phone suddenly pings with a text, and I see Mikhail’s name flash over the screen, but instead of viewing it, I flip the phone over. My lip quivers as silent tears overflow from my eyes, and I wrap myself tighter into the escape of my blanket.
Please, just let me out.
The words echo in my mind, seventeen-year-old me and current me bleeding together in this moment of helplessness. Lashes fluttering, I press my swollen cheek to the side of my pillow and dream of a world where mothers are allowed to call their daughters, where doors stay unlocked, and where love doesn’t come with the price of silence.
Mikhail
Mikhail:
Hey.
Mikhail:
How are you doing?
Mikhail:
Little late to try and avoid me, Menace.
Istare at my phone like the miserable, woman-whipped fuck I’ve apparently turned into. If only the old me could see me now. Despite my lifelong apprehension of being touched, I’ve never gone so long without a good fuck.
Earlier today, I received a text from one of my old hookups asking if I wanted to make plans for tonight.
Completely out of character for me, I immediately rejected her offer and blocked the number. The thought of being near her, being inside her, made my balls shrivel up faster than an ice cube down the pants on a cold winter day. Not only was I not interested inthe exchange, but the very thought of it felt like a betrayal, which is idiotic, because there is no one to betray.
I can barely push the thought out before her face reverberates through my head like a punishing bell.
I know she’s not mine. I don’t have relationships. Period.
But my misguided fucking instincts have me checking the screen again anyway, desperate for her response. Why isn’t she answering me? It’s past 8 PM, so there’s no chance she’s still in class, and she better damn well not be out somewhere partying. Sighing, I open up the location tracker I installed on her phone for emergencies and check her location. Hey, she could be out somewhere, in trouble, needing my help, and I wouldn’t even know it. At least this way, I can keep an eye on my Little Menace in case she needs me.
Fortunately, her little dot appears in the location I’ve marked as her apartment, bright and blue and active.
