It’s innocuous little moments like these that really seem to hit me in the solar plexus, like I’ve been body checked by emotion. And they still scare me a bit, because it’s too soon to name the emotion itself. I’m not even sure my interpretation of it is correct, because I’ve never felt like this before.
I’ve thought Boys were adorable before. I’ve even felt flutters of affection and excitement for them. But this breath-stealing, almost-physical ache in my gut is wholly new and daunting.
It’s only been a couple of months —a handful of weeks, even— since we started dating. I know that I’m Justin’s first ever serious relationship outside of the one he had with Owen’s mom, and the fact that I’m his first ever serious relationship with a guyshouldn’tmake a difference…but in my head it still kind of does.
What if he’s not as invested as I am? He wasn’t looking for anything serious, so what if he decides it’s not actually what he wants after all?
And, yeah, I wasn’t looking for anything serious, either, but here I am, falling head over skates in lo—
Nope.I’mnotjinxing this.
Getting Justin back into his room, I smile, playfully teasing and tickling him as I get him out of his grown-up clothes and into his penguin onesie. It’s his favorite, and I want to give him every possible opportunity to regress properly tonight.
Then I guide him into his bed, ignoring yet another one of those pangs when he cuddles Kelvin close to his chest and looks up at me like I hung the moon, and I slide under the covers beside him.
I’m still wearing my casual outfit of gray sweats and a soft cotton t-shirt with the team’s logo on the front, but the clothes are comfortable enough that I could sleep in them if I choose to. With Justin snuggling up against me like a warm, cuddly limpet, I just might do that.
Wrapping one arm around him, I hand him his sippy cup (ignoring the futility of having brushed his teeth only minutes earlier) and I grab the top book from the pile of choices.
These books are all for Justin only. I bought them for him, and we keep them separate from any which he might read with Owen. We’ve found that keeping his interests and toys completely separate helps with his regression, and with not second-guessing or getting anxious about his kink and his personal life crossing over.
So, the books might be a bit unconventional for most Daddies, but they work for us.
“Go the fuck to sleep,” I read the title page of the first book from the pile, and Justin chuckles.
“That’s a naughty word, Daddy.”
“Sleep isnota naughty word.”
He giggles again.
Andso we continue on.
***
“Thank you for last night,” Justin says the next morning when we’re getting dressed for school and work. “I feel so much better today.”
I’m proud of myself for getting him to relax and enjoy himself. “Anytime, baby,” I bend to press a sweet kiss to his lips. “I love being your Daddy.” The admission skirts dangerously close to naming the feeling that makes my heart pound in my chest. I clear my throat. “But, uh, I have a favor to ask. And you can say no.”
“Okay…” He gives me a look not unlike the kind that he gives Owen when he’s expecting an explanation for some of the kid’s cheekier behavior.
At times like this, I’m reminded that he is actually the more adultier-adult in our relationship.
“My, uh, my family want to meet you. And Owen. And I know that’s asking a lot, because there are like a million of them, but…I would actually really like to introduce you to them, too.”
The look on his face gentles into understanding before he smiles. “Sure,” he shrugs. “When would they like us to visit?”
And there’s that feeling again.
Oh, I am in big trouble,I think to myself. But, strangely, I’m feeling good about it.
Chapter Thirteen
"Justin?"
I tilt my head back and roll my eyes to look at Daddy sitting on the couch behind me. I'm sitting on the floor, between his open knees, coloring. We have a TV show on, but I haven't been paying enough attention to it for the last three episodes. I want to make Daddy the perfect picture to take with him on the road.
"Yes, Daddy?" He smiles and, although his face is upside down for me, that expression is obvious, and I want to commit it to memory.
